a letter to an eighteen year old me

Dear Younger Self,

It’s hard to write a letter to you, because I think my twenty six year old version needs an Older Me to guide me and bathe me in her wisdom―assuming she has some. I’ll certainly give this advice thing my best shot, but as they say (who are “they,” anyway?), take it with a grain of salt.

1. When a man poops openly with the door open while you’re together on date number four, do not marry him. Do not even finish the date with him. At this point in your life, you think it’s very evolved of him to be uninhibited about his bodily functions, but let me tell you, Younger Me, it’s not evolved―it’s just plain weird.

2. Seeing Makati, Metro Manila, is not seeing the world. Who told you that you had to figure out your career at twenty-one? Oh, right … your parents. Love them, but they were wrong about that. Go places. Do things. Meet people. Make a career out of it if you can. Because otherwise, you’re going to be sitting at a desk all day with only fifteen days a year to satisfy your wanderlust. So go―maybe to Thailand first―and lick some lemon off one of those hot, traveling Aussies’ asses, then do a shot of tequila and jump off some crazy-high cliff into the clear blue water, just like Leo DiCaprio did in The Beach. It will make you smile one day when you’re sitting under fluorescent office lighting.

3. Keep practicing your French. And your French kissing. Or maybe learn a new language. One day, you might want to bug out to a different country, and you’ll be a lot more marketable if you can actually speak a language other than Southern high-school Taglish.

4. Doritos and French onion dip are the devil. Just like the one all those Southern Baptist preachers warned you about. I know, they taste so good when they hit your lips, but your body hurts after eating them. And one day, you’ll accidentally fart in an elevator in front of a complete stranger. You’ll be mortified and it will smell bad, Younger Me. No amount of junk-food pleasure is worth that embarrassment. On that note …

5. You’re not fat. Well, actually, sometimes you sort of are … so do something about it when you chunk up! Start exercising regularly now, instead of waiting ten more years; you’ll feel so much better about yourself and have so much more confidence. You could use a little. Which makes me feel really bad about saying this …

6. That layered haircut makes you look like a soccer mom, not a fresh eighteen year old who should be out meeting and making out with hot guys and letting them grope your breasts. Seriously, Younger Me. That’s a really bad look.

7. Channel Stuart Smalley. You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people really do like you. Stop worrying so much about what other people think, because they aren’t thinking about you nearly as much as you worry they are. Everyone has his or her own shit to deal with, so just be yourself and do your thing.

8. Tell the people who matter that they matter, and tell them all the time. You’re decent at this, Younger Me, but do it a little more. Because when the day comes when they’re not around anymore (and it’s coming), you’ll always replay the last conversation you had with them, so make sure it’s a good one.

9. Carpe diem. Like, really seize it. Grab that day by the balls and don’t let go. Just go for it, Younger Me! With a man, that is. You never go for it. Ever. What are you so afraid of? If you’re not careful, you’ll marry the inappropriate pooper and spend most of your days reeling from a separation. The Beatles weren’t wrong; all you need is love. Now go show off your awsomeness (but please tone it up first) in something tight and pleather.

Lots of love to you, hot stuff.

ME :)

One Year Older (A Birthday Wish)

Wednesday is my 26th birthday, so I decided to interrupt work with some appreciation of my own. A lot has changed in the past year or so, for better and worse. Change has touched every aspect of my life, from family and friends, to where I live and work. It’s been a year of anger, sadness, fear and pain, but it’s also been a year of new beginnings, happiness and love. I’ve discovered that life isn’t fair. Bad things happen to good people. Sometimes a lot of bad things happen at once. There will be times when we feel like the whole world is against us, and things can’t possibly get any worse…and then they will. But, the thing is, there’s always someone, somewhere, who is worse off than we are, as hard as that may be to believe. Putting things in perspective is incredibly powerful.

All of this change has caused me to change as well. I’ve learned that we have two choices when it comes to facing life’s obstacles: let them defeat you, or take the opportunity to learn and grow. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, the most difficult experiences of the past year have taught me a lot about myself and made me appreciate all that I have.

For quite a while, I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go with the rest of this post. I probably re-wrote it half a dozen times, unsure of what message I wanted to get across. I was going to list all of the people and things that I appreciate, but I believe that appreciation is something that should be part of our everyday lives. It’s not just for special days like birthdays, and it shouldn’t take a tragic event to motivate us to take a step back and be grateful.

If you take nothing else away from the Appreciation Revolution, I hope you realize that life is a precious gift. It is beautiful and fulfilling, frustrating and exciting, but it is also unpredictable. So, make every moment count, and don’t take anything or anyone for granted. Stop making excuses. Say things like ‘thank you,’ ‘I love you,’ ‘I appreciate your hard work,’ and ‘You mean so much to me.’ It is my hope that The Appreciation Revolution will not end when the last post goes up, but will continue to live on through all of you.

When I close my eyes and prepare to blow out the candles on my birthday cake, I won’t just be making a wish. I’ll be taking a moment to appreciate my life, and all of the wonderful, beautiful, people and things that make it all worthwhile.

In case you were wondering…

I'm a sucker for sweets! :)

REPOST: CEO of J.P Morgan Fantastic reply to a Pretty Girl

MINDBLOWING THOUGHT PROCESS!!!

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?

I wanted to ask:
what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York CityGarden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
Which age group should I target?
Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.
How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? My target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty


Awesome reply:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours.
Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.

However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later. By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased".

Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me...

signed,
J.P. Morgan

Women are more complicated than that... :)

Male/female arguments will sometimes be worked out quickly and rationally due to give and take. But often times, the argument will stop dead in its tracks and she’ll walk away in silence. This is when a man knows (or should know) that all hell is about to break loose. One of two things can happen from here: he can go after her and try to diffuse the argument (this I strongly suggest) OR he can be stubborn, let it fester, and allow his accounts payable to double with each stomp through the house, eye roll, tear shed, and huff and puff she utters. Any of this sounding familiar?

I’ve read, and heard, many thoughts by men on exactly why women give them the silent treatment during a fight. Most of them are wrong. From my understanding, men think that women are just being juvenile, throwing a “tantrum” to get their way, and simply need to get over it. This couldn’t be further from the truth. This hypothesis should be scrapped and more thought applied. Women are much more complicated than that.

Let’s examine a man’s perspective. A fight has erupted. You have your opinion, she has hers. The two are on tracks on the opposite sides of town and have no chance of meeting. You argue relentlessly for a short while. Then you realize you’re talking to yourself. She has disappeared before your very eyes. She’s now busying herself—probably cleaning something—with a look of disgust on her face, possible tears blurring her eyes, but not a word escaping her lips. Your thoughts are likely somewhere along the lines of “What just happened?” “Why did she leave?” “I wonder how long this will drag out.” You try to speak to her and ask her what’s wrong (never ask this!). She refuses to answer, just stomps around staying busy—ignoring you. Or she may answer “Nothing.” Nothing is ALWAYS something.

After a few minutes of trying to figure out what happened, you decide (being competitive by nature) that you are perfectly able to reciprocate. “You don’t want to speak to me. FINE, I can play that game too.” So, now the dead silence begins. Hours, sometimes days, go by-neither side is giving. The silence is having no effect on you any longer. It’s just a waiting game ... she can’t hold it in much longer ... she’s bound to come around soon. Right?

Now, let’s look at it from the woman’s perspective. Same fight has just erupted, two completely different viewpoints, no way of meeting. She tries desperately to get you to see her side, but soon realizes that it’s impossible, useless. Do you know why it’s useless? Because you don’t understand her. If you can’t understand her view, then maybe you don’t really “know” her as well as she thought you did (Admittedly, this is somewhat irrational, but still exists in her thought process). She’s beginning to feel emotionally disconnected from you. “How could he say that to me?” “Why won’t he listen to me?” “How could he not feel the same way I do about this issue.” “He won’t even try to see my side.” “Has he always been this ‘mean’?” That’s it. She’s left the conversation. She is now hurt, no longer just mad. Because she’s hurt, her anger is growing.

Becoming silent serves two purposes: (1) she can now think this through without your input (2) She’s giving you a chance to prove that you do, in fact, care that her feelings are hurt. Take this chance and run with it. If you don’t, she’s now thinking...”If he really cared, why would he ignore my pain?” If you come to her affectionately and try to somehow validate her feelings (you can validate without agreeing—this simply means telling her that you understand. “I can see how you would feel that way. I feel this way”), she will see that she was wrong. You will resume your place as hero in her heart. WARNING: the longer you wait to do this, the deeper your hole becomes. With every moment you remain stubborn and insist that she’s being childish, you’re confirming her worst fear. You DON’T care after all. This gives the disconnect a license to dominate. I hope you enjoy your hole.

Maybe if men and women understand where the other is coming from, the silent treatment would be drowned out by apologies, kisses, and make-up sex (by far the best part of the fight). When fighting, both of you want to be heard, understood, and validated. “I understand how you feel. Here’s how I feel. Maybe we can find a middle ground.” This will steer you down the desired road during a fight. “You’re wrong! Why don’t you listen to me? This is the way it IS.” This will dock you in silence harbor until further notice. Men are able to have an argument completely void of emotion; women, unfortunately, are not. Emotion is her ever-present companion. Women do not become silent to “punish” you—at least I hope not. Women become silent as a defense mechanism to deal with the pain of disconnect.

Note to women: The silence is more painful for you than it is for him. Men can compartmentalize the fight and put it away until you come around. Women, on the other hand, can’t and will continue to convince themselves what a jerk they married. This, of course, is not the case—just a reminder of nature’s colossal joke-men and women will come together, but speak completely different languages in order to complicate life. Marriage is about give and take. When fighting, men get stuck in “being right” mode and refusing to “let her have her way.”

While women would undoubtedly like to have their way (as is human nature), it’s her perception that he has disconnected from her that induces the silent treatment. So, next time a fight erupts in your marriage, listen, validate, and meet in the middle. Remember to ban the power struggle from your fight and focus on validation ... unless you prefer the icy silence.

i analyze things, i shouldn't be thinking in the first place! what's wrong with me?!!

Excited, I've spent a lot of time thinking about all of people who reads my posts: who you are, what you're like, what you like to do, whether or not the carpet matches the drapes. In fact, I daydreamed about you so much that, without intending to, I crafted a list of statistics about you:

1. As I wrote this, 75 of you were having sex. (High five! after you've washed your hands. And as if 75 will read this post anyway.. )
2. It's even possible that 2 of you were doing it with each other. (It could happen.)
3. 21% of you ride scooters for fun on the weekends. (Helmets, please.)
4. 16% of you are not wearing pants.
5. 4 of you still drink Tang.
6. Of the16% of you not wearing pants,
7. 2% of you are touching yourself inappropriately. (Stop it. You can wait until you've finished reading this post.)
8. 3% of that 2% you are going to want to tell me you really were touching yourself. (Don't.)
9. 100% of me wants to switch the topic.
10. 12% of you are eating some sort of whole grain cereal for dinner. (That's not enough for dinner. Eat a piece of fruit. Monkeys like bananas.)
11. 56% of you like hats.
12. 89% of you also write a blog.
13. One of you is a secret mime and spends too much time thinking about how to use keyboard symbols to make a box in the comments.
14. 3% of you are seriously into Heavy Metal. (\m/)
15. One of you has man hands and keeps Asian teens in your basement. (You know who you are.)
16. Three of you attend a monthly nerdie event.
17. 30 of you don't like me anymore.
18. 7 of you are using a keyboard missing its "S" key.
19. 63% of you dance it out in the dining room when you have the house to yourself.
20. 24 of you read romance novels but don't admit it.
21. Everybody likes saandwiches!

If these stats are accurate, it would surprise the crap outta me I don't think I have any reason to fret: you newbies are really nice, and the alumni are just as weird as you are.

Thanks for reading!!!

The internet thinks I'm a beautiful gay??

When you find yourself in the midst of an existential crisis, it is often helpful to consult the internet. The internet is just full of useful ways to find out who you are.

For example, I can go to Urban Dictionary and type in "Mimi" and it will tell me all about myself and what exactly I mean to the world:

Yes. True? Probably. But maybe I'll look a little further for clarification...



Nope.
Maybe if I try my dad's last name...

 

That is informative but completely unhelpful. I shall keep looking. How about my husband's last name..
 

 Really, internet? Really?
There has got to be a better definition...

I Googled "Mimi looks like" and this is a sampling of what came up:

Fuck you, Internet.  What does "Mimi looks better than Tranny Gaga" even mean? 

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one goodness at a time

As I was having my after lunch rituals, with smiles all over my face, I was hit..

This boastful smuck talked to me like he knew it all. "It doesnt work that way now mimi" imposing a "Hail me!" tone (though I was just reading it on facebook but I'm just that great so I'm certain about it). It almost ruined my day. But then again, after reading it again, it didn't. :)

I saw one of my facebook friend post a status asking for help on how to get a passport in a flash, aparently this guy doesn't want to do it normally like getting an appointment on-line. So as an act of random kindness I gave him the best advise I know (that happened to be effective to people I know). I told him "process it with a travel agency _ _ _ _. " We were in the same industry so I was quite confident that, well yea, he might agree. But instead I got boasted on, and it looked like I don't have an idea of what I am blabbering about.

A normal human reaction, I was like "ang yabang nitong gagong to ah."  But thank God my good 'ol friend conscience was there to remind me, that I was the one who offered help, and he doesn't owe me anything, so I better suck it up, and move on.

There are times that these simple things like this can hurt us. Maybe not the type that we will be moping on for the next 24 hours, but reached the point to make us feel bad. Simple example for a bigger scenario, that when you showed someone you cared and was dismissed you feel bad about it, because the caring you gave is not acceptable to them. 

My dad always told me when I was still a kid, "ang importante, nakatulong ka.." and I used to always advise it to people as well. That when we give something away, give it with heart and never complain. Take the risk and accept.

One goodness at a time, things we can do to make a better world to live in. :)

where do broken heart go? (for candice)

August 19th, 2009 …
 I called it like I saw it, and yet, you called me “crazy”... looks like I wasn’t so crazy after all.

“Randy” and “Rona.” one year ago, Randy told me that he and Rona were “just friends” and that I was being “crazy.” 
Randy and I were having a rocky relationship and began spending time with different groups of friends. I knew Randy and Rona had recently become friends at that time and shared several mutual friends, therefore hung out often. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, mainly because I was trying not to think about Randy at all. But in the beginning of August, Randy and I decided to try and patch up our very confusing relationship.

This was when my intuition about Randy and Rona emerged. I only saw Randy and Rona together once, watching the two of them interact that one time was all it took. I had a strong feeling that there was something more than friendship surfacing. I knew they had feelings for each other, even if he was not willing to admit it ... yet. 

So now here we are... Randy and Rona have been together for i don't know how long. Sometimes it sucks to be right. 

I’m constantly wondering ... will it last? Is she really the “one” for him? If so, there’s no hope for my friendship with Randy to be restored in the future. On the other hand, I remind myself ...

He is happy now, and I won’t ruin/interfere with that. It took him twenty-three years to meet someone that he’d want to call his girlfriend; and now that he’s found her, I won’t allow myself to be selfish and make things difficult for him. I won’t resent him for finding love just because it’s not with me. It’s best for our paths to split. As I walk away, I will do so quietly. I do have to admit, I glance back every now and then on that ten-mile road that we once traveled on together. I can’t help but notice the scattered memories of our years happily, unhappy, unique, once in a lifetime, friendship.

Yet when I catch myself sneaking that peek back to our past, I do not experience feelings of sadness or anger. I always find myself turning back around, towards my new single path, with a smile.
“You can’t erase who we were or what we had. No one can. We burned so bright together. You won’t lose that.”
 I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and I still hold true to that. That belief is what gives me hope. I’m confident that every moment that we’ve shared together in the past, and every moment that we are apart in the future, has a purpose in our lives. 
I’ll forever cherish every memory of Randy; and I’ll always be grateful for the friendship we held onto for long, complicated, unforgettable years.

Randy is a significant piece of my past … and nothing that happens will ever change that. I know our connection was real, and packed with deep unconditional emotions, and yet, that made it all the more challenging. A feeling that I’ve never experienced with another before. I know I may never encounter a bond like that again, and the thought renders a world-wind of emotions. I feel scared, apprehensive, and even a bit cynical, then again, I feel content. I value the friendship Randy and I endured over the years and I’m lucky to have stumbled upon his path in 2005.

I know the value in our meeting, and even in the struggles, detours, and crashes that emerged along the way—and I wouldn’t change any of it; for it inadvertently guided me safely through many hardships in the past. I know that I now must continue on my own journey, and leave who we use to be behind me. I must move forward on my newly made, unclearly marked path. Nevertheless, I still hope that someday Randy finds his way back to me; and that his path once again intertwines with mine.

 “I’m not quitting. I’m walking away from something that’s broken. But that doesn’t mean I’m not scared.

**Candice2010**

when tears run dry..

The first night was the hardest. There were bits of dirt on the cold sheets and the pillowcase was still damp with my tears. I hadn’t really stopped crying in the last eighteen hours, even though those hours felt like years. Every time I closed my eyes even for a moment, I saw him laughing, crying, yelling....

I knew the nights would be the most difficult. I knew that in the devastating quiet of those wee hours my heart was going to implode over and over again.

We had known each other for quite sometime, sharing many, many firsts. He was my best friend, the love of my life, my confidant, my dreamer. He was mine... and I was his. For years we had loved each other until it hurt, and in just a few moments it was as if none of it had ever even existed. Just a few moments. That was all it took to tear us apart.

I wish there were another word for “heartache,” because when the person you thought was the love of your life hurts you and then leaves, your heart does not ache, it doesn’t even break; it lives on beating and throbbing, but the pain is so much more than any ache. No, the pain is ... a living death. You long for another type of pain, any type except for the one slowly destroying you from the inside out; eating away at your body, mind, and soul.

You cry until you are too exhausted to even speak, and if you see even a scrap of something that once belonged to them, you die. A. Little. Bit. More. Suddenly, you are a caged lion pacing a very small, confined space and all you want to do is strike out at anyone that dares cross your path.

Will you ever be happy again? You wonder. That becomes the first question of many, many more that are guaranteed to follow.

No, “ache” is not the right word. Suddenly “ache” seems miniscule, comical.

But there is life after death, and as the minutes become hours, the hours become days, you begin to realize that you can feel again; other emotions than just sadness and anger. You learn to breathe without feeling as if your lungs are going to burst. That first, long breath you take from nearly drowning will always be the sweetest. Slowly, very slowly, you feel the living death begin to metamorphis into peace, laughter and yes ... even ache. And you are so very grateful for it.

A Sad Love Story

They were friends, sharing a few meals along with laughs in the park at lunchtime. A couple dinners together with nothing much more than kisses. He needed to know it meant something, and it did. It did to her, it meant everything, but she lacked the confidence needed to tell him. She was very rough around the edges and used humor to protect what she truly was. He took the safe route and moved on, leaving her to know, she wasn’t enough. He moved on with a girl to another almost immediately and she couldn’t face that fact daily. She needed to leave that environment and did. It didn’t matter; she could never really leave him behind. He was in her heart and he would remain there always.

They managed to connect a few times over the years, updating each other on the growth of their families and careers. When they would meet, their eyes would lock. She would spend days wondering if he could see right through to her heart pounding. Did he know how much she loved him? He always looked so sad and worn out. She could heal him, protect him, and love him. She knew it. She wanted him to know, but again, she could never find the words to tell him.

Then it happened. The timing seemed as if it could be right. They had what seemed to be a sanctuary for a brief time. Finally, she had found the words and the courage. She told him. She prayed for the happiness to last, learning quickly that fairy tales don’t come true and it’s better sometimes not to live a dream. When the dream is gone, you’re left with nothing. Hollow, her heart empty and sad, she was told once again that she wasn’t enough. Never enough.

For Candice :)

I quit everything. But I’ve never quit on love.

I love to love and I love being in love.

It’s the one thing I’m pretty good at, even if my significant others were not.

I’m a sappy person. In fact, I like chick flicks and, even more so, the romantic-comedy genre. For some reason, it’s easy for me to fall in love even though I’m scared to death of being heartbroken.

When you’re in love, you open yourself up to another person. Once your heart is open, you are vulnerable to attack.

Love is hard and complicated to understand. It’s not something you see, but rather something you can only feel. Sometimes, it can be hard to detect, especially if you’ve been heartbroken before. Nonetheless, soon you will recognize that you’re neck deep in it.

No matter how hard-knocks I pretend to be on the outside, on the inside I want to love and I want to be loved.

I want a lifelong happy marriage—that fairytale life that movies are written about—but love like that is hard to find. How do you know when you’ve found it?

Are you actually in love or do you just love love?

Love has so many unanswered questions. For women, it’s a complex feeling to grasp, but since we’re emotionally wired, we strive for that complexity. We want that feeling of knowing that we’re needed and cherished.

Love makes us feel beautiful, like we’re the only woman in the world.

It is hard not to get caught up with the idea of love or to spend your time searching for it. We’re women and we are very in touch with our emotions—especially love.

And while we search for love, we must remember never to obsess about it.

Because loving love sets you up for heartbreak. When you love love, you will try to turn anything into a fairytale romance. You must distinguish between the two, even though it is complicated. See beyond the idea of the fairytale and see the man that you are with. Do you really love him, or do you just want the fairytale wedding?

Remember to be patient with love. Never settle. You will find love, and if you are patient enough, you will have it the rest of your life.

love will find me again

Ahh, love. It comes. It goes. It takes your breath away … leaves you floating on air. Then one day, it simply takes your breath … leaves you deflated, void of life, and gasping for the very air you once floated effortlessly on. But what goes up must come down, right? We fall passionately in love … can’t pull our otherwise rational head out of the clouds, not that we want to. Our love is intoxicating, empowering, and seemingly infallible. Little do we know? We trust that love so completely that before long, we take it for granted. Anything we take for granted, we neglect. A marriage neglected becomes a marriage ... fallible. What comes next? The better question may be what doesn’t come next? We may find ourselves in love limbo … somewhere between “in love” with our spouse and thinking to stay in-love with our spouse. No man’s land. We still love our spouse, but we’re not “in love” anymore. What now? Do we give up? Or do we fight for our marriage, rather than against it?

It happens every day to couples everywhere. Spouses fall out of love. They no longer feel that electric spark between themselves … no longer see in their spouse what they did once upon a time. They’re simply no longer happy with this person they vowed to love in “sickness AND health.” Of course, there are occasions when THINKING is the best choice. But more times than not, a couple who was once passionately in love can find their way back to that love...given a little effort and an open mind. Do you remember those heartfelt vows you pledged to your spouse? Do you remember the look in your spouse’s eyes when you were exchanging those vows? Do you remember the moment you said, “I do?” Do you remember the priest who wed you waving the “easy marriage” wand over your heads? Do you remember the marriage license containing a disclaimer? “Warning: Marriage will suck the life out of you. If you have a wandering eye, a short temper, a stubborn personality, a closed mind, or if you in any way, shape, or form classify yourself as HUMAN … you may want to consult your lawyer before entering into this contract!” Of course not! We don’t enter into marriage with the anticipation of separation. We’re too blinded by our love at the point of “I do.” But there will come a time … a time when you don’t share the same spark that once had the ability to set your whole “forest” ablaze … a time when you simply tolerate the other … a time when you no longer feel “in love” … a time when you wonder if divorce is inevitable.

You won’t be alone. When we say “I do,” it’s hard to imagine the profound reality of the next 50 years. As newlyweds, we’re infants in the world of marriage. We can’t comprehend the difficulty that awaits us … the stress of keeping mounting bills paid, raising kids whose primary job seems to be pulling us away from each other, meeting the needs of career, family, and life, in general. Romance is often times stuck on the back burner, metaphorically speaking, and forgotten about until we smell that “burning” stench lingering in the air. We forget to pay attention to it until we’re so far apart emotionally that it may seem too late … and we begin kicking around those word in our thoughts.

The fact is ALL marriages will go through these “dry” spells. This is the ebb and flow of marriage. Spouses fall in and out of love with one another all the time. We enter marriage “in love” …obviously. As the years pass and stress envelopes us, we may begin to neglect one another … and fall out of love. While we may still love each other (just as we love our family), we may not be “in love.” We may love him, but not like him very much anymore. We may wonder why we ever married this person to begin with. We may even be disgusted with our spouse on occasion. We may think there’s no hope … no way to get “it” back. Wrong again! By this stage in life, we should be growing accustomed to being … wrong … every now and then.

The beauty of love is that it tends to come full circle, much like that iconic, circular representation of it we exchange on the day we wed … the wedding band. Our love will start out in a state of romantic bliss. Bliss will fade. “Getting by” will become our daily struggle … but love will endure. That iconic symbol will withstand being left at home, being temporarily lost; being smudged by life’s daily messes … it will even withstand us outgrowing it (just as we do our love at times). But even with all the trials that band encounters, it remains an intact circle and very difficult to “break.”

Love will come and go. Someday, we’ll fall out of love with our spouse and find ourselves hovering in love limbo. But give it time … that love will return. Search for the charming, endearing things your spouse does, rather than focusing on the negative annoyances. One day your spouse will wink sensually at you, touch you lovingly, or kiss you in a way that reignites that “long been out” flame. That flame will cause your knees to grow weak, send your heart aflutter, and … hopefully, leave you in the throes of passion. All the things that made you fall in love in the first place will come rushing back to you … and possibly, leave you floating on air once again. On this day, your vision won’t be so utterly impeded by all of life’s messy trials. You’ll be able to see what initially attracted you to this person you pledged your life to. Once returned, that love will likely be stronger than ever before. After all, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger … right? Cliche, but true.

A love that once found us WILL find us again. We just have to do our part: be patient enough to wait for it and devoted enough to draw it a map.

For a Happier ME!!

Being twenty six in three month time, I want to share my list of coping with life. I have recently experienced the lowest point in my life so far and i was greatly affected, depressed in so many ways in almost everything in my everyday encounters. But through God's grace, I'm now okay..

1 .Be positive it made you keep going.
2. When make decisions, oversee the future, do not rush, think well.
3. Give yourself a chance for change unless it benefits you.
4. Its nice to be friendly, but do not give all your trust.
5. When your partner makes mistake give him a chance.
6. When already have children, they must be the priorities and never your own you.
7. Respect other people’s private lives, whether she has nothing or she has everything.
8. Do not expect an old classmate to have changed her attitudes, I tell you she is just the same.
9. Be contented of what you have, as long your work is clean, and never get stained.
10. Being too much rich cannot save you from death.
11. Be humble, people come to you, but being boastful people stay away from you.
12. Be open minded of what is happening to your environment.
13. Respect others religion, believe that there is only one God; never criticize them because you may not know when they are talking at your back.
14. When eating, think of the many children that barely eats a day, so you won’t eat too much and it saves your calorie in take.
15. Drink water, and sleep well.
16. Never waste your time to nothing, make something worthy if not for yourself for others concern.
17. Believe that every problem encountered there is always a solution, put aside suicide because when you die people tell that you are crazy … who on earth want to be called crazy.
18 Be supportive to your children, they will be thankful when they fulfill their dreams and you’ll be loved by them forever.
19. Be open to criticisms especially destructive because you will learn to improve yourself.
20. Your partner should not only be your lover but best friend as well.
21. The family is the best foundation to improve because it is them you first run to when in trouble.
22. Do not be perfectionist; you may be depressed when a single error takes place.
23 Do not allow boredom overshadow you, there are so many things to do.
24. Be thankful to your parents for that breath they gave you.
25. Thank God for your life.
26. Believe in yourself.

I can't get enough of this song..

Tensionado
(Soapdish / Drizzle Version)

Tensionado
Nagulat din ako
Nong malaman na hindi lang pala ako
Yung nanghinayang
Nong nagaway tayo noon
At natuluyan sa iyakan at tampo

Chorus:
At sandali lang
Huwag ka munang magsalita
Di ko hahayaan lahat ito ay mawala
Ang iniisip ko kung pwede pa ba tayo

At miserable
Paulit-ulit lang ang nangyayari
Paikot-ikot tayo parang bote
At nasanay ka na ba doon
At nalimutan ang aking mga tanong

Chorus 2:
At hindi malinaw
Pwede bang wag kang sumigaw
Di ko hahayaan lahat ito ay maligaw
Nagtatanong sayo kung pwede pa ba tayo

Chorus 3:
At sandali lang
Huwag ka munang magsalita
Di ko hahayaan lahat ito ay mawala

Nagtatanong sayo kung pwede pa ba tayo

dreams

In summer of 2001, when I met my husband, I was a young girl with big dreams. I can sit here and say that my dreams included becoming a successful, powerful, and highly respected career woman. But I would be lying. I wanted to meet a successful, powerful, and highly respected man who wanted to take care of me.

I would have his beautiful babies.
I would dress them in the hottest new baby gear.
We would have play dates at our favorite park.
I would have a nanny.
I would work out daily.
I would have a beautiful house with a HUGE walk-in closet.
I would have a housekeeper.
I would always look sexy for my husband, my hair would be done, and my makeup would look great.
We would have weekly date nights.
We would go on extraordinary vacations.
We would go to fancy dinner parties and he would show me off to his friends, coworkers, prospective clients.
My boobs would forever be perfect, stable, and far above my belly button.
My ass would be tight and firm.
I would be a 'mother i like to f*ck"—yes, the “hot” mom all the kids would talk about. (Sick to even hope for that, I know.)

In 2001, when I met my husband, I was a young girl with big dreams. It is now 2010 and I have no clue where I went wrong. My husband decided he wanted to follow his dream.

He becomes a struggling employee of a call center.
I was so supportive; he felt so blessed.
He is now a product supervisor.
We have Zoe.
I have a nanny.
I don’t have a housekeeper.
The house is a mess.
Our place is the size of the dream-home’s walk-in closet.
My hair always looks like shit.
I wear cheap makeup.
My boobs make a bellybutton sandwich.
My ass is the opposite of firm.
I am the friend of the M.I.L.F.

WTF happened to me, and where did I go wrong?

I sometimes feel sorry for myself in the middle of a mini breakdown (usually after a long week full of sick/cranky work mates) and ask myself this question. Instead of packing up and leaving my not-so-dream life behind, I remember why it’s all worth it.

I do have beautiful child.
I do have a favorite park, with wonderful dates.
I do have a wonderful husband who wants to take care of me.
I do have a husband who thinks I’m sexy (or so he says).
I am still a young girl with big dreams. Only now my dreams are different. My dreams include healthy children, a long marriage, college funds, and grandchildren.

mimi-zoe-nel 2010

love taught me..

Shakespeare once wrote, “To thine own self be true” and for once, I actually think I am starting to completely understand that quote.

This year has been a full of misery, disappointment, pain, and heartache but in these ruins blossoms hope and promise. Had the heartache of the past year not happened, I wouldn’t have started to spend time finding myself and though I am still at the beginning of this life long search it’s nice to finally see me again. It’s been a long time since I’ve been true to myself and wow is it ever difficult.

I am going through a painful phase with someone I love very much. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love him. For a long time he was my reason for being, my world, my everything. I truly hated myself when I met him and I believed that because he was so amazing that he could in turn make me into something seeing as I saw myself as nothing.

I loved him, everything about him, and I wanted to make him happy all the time. I truly believed in the love that TV and movies presents to us. Something eternal and beautiful, you know like the end of a romantic comedy. Little did I know that this charming young man would sweep me so far off my feet that I would lose myself in him and become what he needed in order for him to be happy.

He seemed to be my knight in shining armor, the one to take care of me forever and I bought it. I didn’t know the knightly presence came with a price and well I should have been a bit more aware, but I was hopelessly and dangerously in love.

I became everything he wanted and needed and I stopped thinking about what I wanted and needed because it didn’t matter, I had him. I wasn’t alone; I wasn’t a horrible person because he loved me.

Loving him was so easy; it filled the void in my soul and even though that little voice in my gut kept trying to speak out, I would soothe it with thoughts of the perfect life. This worked for years; I deluded myself into thinking that I was happy and that my life was perfect.

Then the cloud started to shift and I started to see clearer who he really was and what life I was really living.

He would knock me down emotionally when I started to have an opinion about anything and convince me that my thoughts and feelings were invalid and his way was the right one. He would make me feel like a second-class citizen in my own home and it was my duty to ensure he was happy. It was a constant stress to keep him happy, walking on eggshells and putting on the happy face all the time.

Being judged and criticized constantly started to wear on me and the love cloud thinned even more. I would wake up in the middle of the night crying uncontrollably because I was so unhappy and yet I had this life that society deems successful and well perfect from the outside. I would ask myself repeatedly why I couldn’t be happy. If I could just ignore all the criticisms and the constant air of disappointment my presence caused, I could find happiness again. I was convinced if I just could be the person he needed me to be then it would all go back to being good. I just had to work harder at it, make more time for him, and really pay attention to his needs.

I started searching for that cloud everywhere so I could hide within it and forget the pain.

The funny thing about pain is that unless you get to the root of it, it doesn’t go away. Sure, you can dull it, even remove it for a short period of time, but it always comes back and it’s usually worse. I left when I couldn’t take it anymore and for the past year, I’ve been doubting that decision almost every day. I feel like a quitter and a failure because I couldn’t find a way past the pain to make it work. He loved me—I knew that—and I figured if I loved him enough, we could make it work. I just had to love him enough.

Then I realized something just recently: it’s not about how much you love the person, its about how much you love and respect yourself that actually matters. You’re better at loving someone when you love yourself completely because then you know what it means to love.

Thoughts of leaving him was the most difficult thing for me to do, but it was because I started to love myself and realized I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. If he truly loved me, he would see the real me and cherish that person.

In all relationships, there are two sides to every story and by no means am I absolved of anything I’ve done to get us here either. I will forever be sorry that I couldn’t love him the way he needed because I didn’t love myself enough to do that. My heart is broken because I hurt him so deeply.

Everyone says time heals all wounds and though that may be true, the heart never totally heals, you bear those scars forever. Once you’ve opened yourself up to someone so much and been hurt you are forever changed, you can never look upon yourself in the same way again and you don’t see love in the soft light you once did.

I hope to be able to find myself and love who I am completely because in that act I’ll finally know what it really means to love someone with your whole heart and soul.

you will never see me cry

Funny thing about crying: you could always pull it off by saying that you just sneezed, or you just woke up (or perhaps yawned) and most people will never guess that you are actually tearing up. But for me ... what gives me away is my red, runny nose!

Today, my self-esteem dived about 2 million miles down (happens when you’re hurt by a person you care about ... you get it). I wish I could dig a hole all the way to the North Pole and bury myself in it because of ... shame. Tears would be the natural reaction but I tried all my willpower to NOT make them fall. But ... it was inevitable. However, I would still not show my tears because I still think it’s a sign of weakness and stupidity (an impulsive thought I hope never to think again).

I tried everything to cheer me up ... reading, occupying myself with a report i have to finish, even shopping ... but still nothing! (It was THAT serious). Usually I shop and buy stuff impulsively when I’m down but this time, it just wasn’t doing anything to me. I even thought of cutting my hair but reason started to kick in and that would have been the most impulsive thing I could have ever done. (I’ll be the loser here ..) Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer and I went home and cried. It was a very good cry ...

The heart may be broken but it beats nonetheless. And I believe that.

Things that make life worth living

Have you ever had one of those moments? You know the really good ones where you are completely content and know that all is right with the world?

It was one day when you were holding your son or daughter and felt so full of love that you felt like you would burst;

Or it was hearing the perfect words come from the person who actually is perfect for you;

It was the contentment that can come from walking along the river holding hands and being together;

It could have been the day you felt you were bursting with pride to have that person with you so everyone would know they were yours – and you were theirs;

It was sitting on a log in the forest listening to the world around you;

It was sitting on the beach with a mai tai listening to the waves crash;
Or laughing so hard at the cutest thing that your child inadvertently said;

It was getting a second chance;

It was drifting off to sleep next to the one you adore and hearing “I love you” just as you start floating away, taking the knowledge of being loved into your dreams;

It was talking all night with an old friend;

Or finishing the last sentence of the best book you ever read and flipping immediately to the beginning and starting it all over again;

It was hearing someone you respect say they are proud of you;

Or singing in the shower;

Finishing your crossword puzzle all by yourself;

Or learning something new – just because you want to;

It was watching two of your favorite people connect;

Or it was waking up from a wonderful dream and realizing that you are lying next to the reason it was so wonderful;

The day you gave that big speech or presentation and received recognition from your boss and co-workers for a job well done;

It was a nap on the couch - in his arms, or with her in yours;

It was the day you got on the scale and realized you no longer had to worry about those stubborn last 12 pounds because they were gone;

It was buying your dream home;

Or having coffee in bed on a Saturday morning;

It was making someone you love breakfast in bed as a surprise;

It was the day you got your first real job;

Or bought your first car;

It was seeing him or her across the room and thinking, “this has potential;”

The day you found out you were having your first child – and they first day you held him;

Being able to buy your parents something they would never buy themselves but would greatly appreciate – and doing it just because you can;

Knowing you thrill him/her;

The moment they handed you the diploma;

Going away together for the very first time;

Or dancing with your little ones in the kitchen while you make dinner;

Hearing your child laugh uncontrollably;

Or being able to come up with the exact right thing to say in a situation and being able to say it exactly how you mean it;

Laughing till you cry;

Feeling like he thinks you are beautiful;

Sleeping in on a rainy Saturday;

Or a big bowl or tasty soup on a cold night;

Falling in love – and knowing this is the last time…

Maybe it was every one of these things. Or maybe for you it was something completely different. Regardless, you need to hold on to those moments. Make them count. Realize they are precious and keep them tucked away in your heart. These are the things life is made of. It is not where you live or how much is in your bank account. It is not what you drive or having the right outfit. It is the intangible things that make life worth living. And so far, that is the most important lesson I have learned.

tales of the broken hearted

Heal those wounds.. All those who have hurt might have felt this I'm sure.

*Let go when you’re hurting too much. Give up when love isn’t enough and move on when things are not like before. Surely there is someone out there who will love you even more.

*You’ll never find the right person, if you can’t let go of the wrong one.

*Never leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love.

*Because he has been a major part of your life, of course you’ll miss him; it’s perfectly normal. It’s like getting a tooth pulled out; after the dentist pulls it out you’re relieved. But how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was, probably a hundred times a day? Just because it was hurting you does not mean you don’t notice it. It leaves a gap, and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It’s going to take awhile, but it takes time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you pain. Pulling the tooth was the right decision, but it’s going to hurt.

*There’s one thing I have to say so I’ll be brave. You were what I wanted. I gave what I gave. I’m not sorry I met you. I’m not sorry it’s over. I’m not sorry there’s nothing to save.

*There were times when he caught me, but there were more times he let me fall and finally it came time for me to learn that I could pick myself up off the ground, and walk away ...

*Eventually one of two things will happen: He’ll realize you’re worth it or you’ll realize he isn’t.

*I guess it’s gonna have to hurt, I guess I’m gonna have to cry; and let go of some things I’ve loved, to get to the other side. I guess it’s gonna break me down, like falling when you try to fly; it’s sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life, starts with goodbye.

*So go on, make your little getaway. My pride will keep me company and you just gave yours all away. Now I’m gonna dress myself for two: once for me and once for someone new. I’m gonna do some things you wouldn’t let me do. Oh … I’m gonna find another you.

*When you’re dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part.

*She’s standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take.

*My heart didn’t break into a thousand pieces after he left. Instead, I realized all the things he didn’t do. He didn’t want to hear my stories. He didn’t ask me questions. He didn’t smile when I was talking to him. He didn’t hug me out of the blue to make me feel good. His hugs were always a preamble to something else and after he was gone, I wondered if he ever knew me at all …

*Just because a friendship or relationship ends does not mean that the other person is a bad person. Nor does it mean that the other person is crazy. Nor does it mean that the other person never cared about you or any of those things we often say. It simply means that it wasn’t meant to work out and though it is horrible and unfortunate and sometimes heartbreaking, it’s not the end of the world. Other friends will come along, other boyfriends and girlfriends will come along. Sometimes things just aren’t meant to be. And that has to be okay. It has to be okay because otherwise what do we have?


from the author:

We can never appreciate happiness unless we have experienced to be hurt. Consider all these past hurts blessings. It what makes us stronger.

heart's dilemma

It hits you when you least expect it. You think you’re all in control, but then it hits like a bad car accident. What do you do when your heart aches with unbreathable pain? Who can you talk to? Where do you go? How do you live on when half your body isn’t working properly? Too shamed to tell, too weak to lie. It’s a deep hollow pain that no one or nothing can help rid the pain. You feel like an abandoned baby left on somebody’s doorstep or worse, dumped in a trash bin. Betrayal, no matter if it’s intentional or unintentional, how do you recover? I’m not going to hold back on this subject because from life experience it teaches us to trust, your human nature wants you to trust but when that trust is breached it can be devastating. No matter how loyal or disloyal you are, it can happen to anyone because it comes a time in your life, you let your defenses down and you get relaxed or distracted and when you are not looking, BAM, it comes from out of nowhere and hits you on your blind side. You ask the Lord to help you take each breath. You accuse yourself of faults of your own and pick yourself apart like a hungry buzzard picking fresh dead meat, until you realize it’s the insecurity of the betrayer; it’s not you. The process of recovery is slow. And believe me you will recover, but only with time and rediscovery of self. We can be so naive when it comes to love.

Any and everybody, when that need of love comes, the gamble begins. You open your heart wider and wider to let love see your inner soul. The more you let love see, the more you want love to see. And you share the vision with someone who sees and understand how your love looks. This is a precious gift to let someone witness and you have to do it with the upmost care. Because if you give that love to someone that doesn’t recognize it the way you do, you can get hurt. First you got to know love of self before you can see love of others. And if a person has never seen love, how will one recognize something0 he/she never saw or had. Protect your heart and it will protect you.

Love Yourself..

i love you.. .

I’ve been with this man that makes me feel so in love and so infuriated all at the same time. We have developed a pattern where we are extremely happy and can’t get enough of each other and as time goes by, I’m pulling away. I know now that it’s me pulling away because I know deep down, he’s not the guy I expected to end up with. So, traumatized of being committed to the wrong guy, I run away. My problem is I can’t last a week before I miss him and I want him back in my life.

My friends say I’m addicted to the drama. Who’s to say? There are so many wrongs in my relationship that sometimes I have a hard time remembering why I love this man... until I’m standing in front of him, hugging him, kissing him, laughing with him. I know I could spend the rest of my life with this guy and we would have fun together.

My concerns run the game out from his bachelor lifestyle (lack of responsibility) to his conspiracy theories, to his selfish nature (he needs to receive in order to give; imagine an invisible score-card tracking his every move), to his bad habits, to his uncontrollable spending (because he can’t save, I don’t know if I’ll ever accomplish my dreams of traveling the world), to his laziness and lack of motivation.

With all of the problems, no matter how many times I walk away, I always come back to him. When we’re “making up,” I feel a love that I’ve never felt before in my life. We’ve discussed everything until we’re blue in the face. He’s acknowledged that he takes me for granted. He agrees that he should work on some of his more disgusting habits. He knows he needs to be more responsible and pay his bills on time and start a savings account. When I’m with him, I manage to motivate him, but when I’m not there, he loses that focus and I can’t hold his hand for him.

I’m twenty-six years old, I’m not at all worried about a biological clock ticking to fulfill all my dreams. My dream is to live happy and finding companionship with that special someone. I can’t imagine myself without this man in my life. I want to walk in the parks with him, have longer walks on a beach, have picnics, hold hands, and do all the things I’ve loved doing with him.

I talk to friends, young and old, and I can see that people have overcome bigger problems than mine. I’ve analyzed this relationship to death and maybe it’s not as perfect as I’ve imagined in my dreams and maybe there are other men out there that will have all the qualities that I want in a man. But I love this man. I want my future to be with this man.

You always hear “life is short.” Doesn’t that mean to enjoy life with what you have in front of you and to stop imagining that the grass is greener elsewhere?

So maybe he’s not perfect and maybe we have an uphill battle in front of us, but when I feel the love I feel with him and when I watch him take baby steps to try to make me the happiest girl alive, I know in my heart that this can work and that I’m not wasting my time. And if I do make it to the point where I’m spending the rst of my life with this man, I will know that every argument and every everytime I spent apart from him was worth it to make it to that moment.

one wish

I’ve spent the past few days wishing for many things. And right there, out of the box, is the crux of it. I’ve been wishing.

My most common wish is that I’ll make something out of myself, that someday my work will mean something and that my writing will go somewhere. I keep wishing to accomplish something. I keep wishing for my life to get better. I just keep wishing. It’s not that I don’t really want it, or that I don’t want to put in effort; I’m not being lazy. I simply don’t know what else to do.

Today’s wish was to disappear. To be selfish enough to not care and to just go. I was on my way to work and I wanted to just keep on driving. I didn’t want to do my job or go back home, I just wanted to keep going. I wanted to keep on going until my cab broke or ran out of gas, and then I would start walking and just keep going until I fell down. I wanted to go until the path ended and then some. Just keep walking into the places where no one else was until all I can hear is the chirp of a bird or wind passing through the landscape, or the landscape itself. Just go until all I can feel is the Earth beneath my feet and the sun on my skin. To sit on a side and let the wind blow me to pieces like a pile of sand and simply not be me anymore.

I want to be free of all my “responsibilities” and social chains. I don’t want to go “home,” to that house I paid way too much for to and found out it’s going to take even more to fix. I don’t want to go to that place that just serves as a reminder of every thing that’s gone wrong, of everything I wanted and allowed myself to be talked out of, of everything I didn’t want and allowed myself to be talked into

This is not the life I wished for. This is not the life I wanted. This is not the life I worked for. Haven’t I dealt with enough yet? Haven’t I slogged through enough bullshit, emotional turmoil, financial crap, and general cruddiness? What more must I go through before I can find peace? What more must happen?

I don’t suppose this is healthy, this wishing to be someone else, somewhere else. Is it normal to wish to be free of all ties? To just be able to go about and do whatever the hell you want?

Why can’t I go do whatever for a week at time? Why do I have to be responsible and care about my credit and paying my bills? What the hell good did it do me? Yay, I have two degrees. Who cares? What good has it done me? None. All I’ve got to show for it is years of stress and malnutrition and debt that’s going to follow me for the next ten years.

I was hoping that writing all this down would make me feel better somehow, but I think I’m only embroiling myself further.

I’m afraid that I’ll never amount to anything, that I’ll slip away from the world but still be stuck in it. So isolated but never free. That I’ll become this hermit who’s life flies by without her. I’m half way through it aren’t I? The part of my life that’s supposed to be so fun and care free? Well, I’m still waiting for the fun part ...

looking on the up-side of my life

It’s Wednesday, and I’m stuck at work. Instead of being at home, listening to music, dancing with zoe, I’m typing and answering phones, all alone.

Its hot today. I’m in a bussines attire that doesn’t match, and sewed side because I've been using this since college.

After I got myself an small bowl of pasta this morning, i thought it can suffice my hunger for the whole say.

Do you want to slap me yet? Because it’s this train of thought that made me want to soundly whack myself in the cheek. If I were the super amazing DJ I wish I were (yes, I’m a girl who’d like to be a DJ), you’d hear that Fat Man Scoop rewind sound right about…now.

It’s Wednesday, and I get a fairly (as it’s rarely completely calm in hotel business) quiet work day to catch up on some stuff. Stuff that needed doin’, darn it. I’m able to take a few moments during a busy work day and recognize my blessings. And I have a job to be stuck at on a Wednesday, which not everyone is lucky enough to possess. The family will be there when I’m done.

It isn’t even really that hot anymore, thanks to a little rain this afternoon. The cool breeze blowing. The trees are dancing in the awesome gloomy afternoon, which compliments beautiful sunset. And my business attire fits, is comfortable, and has kept me in a decent look.

I was able to have breakfast this morning, and sit to enjoy it. Who cares if I spill some on my balzer? That’s why the paper towel is in existence. At least, one reason.

When I get home, I will get to enjoy dinner with loving husband, wash my spillsome blazer, put on flip flops, and go to sleep safe and sound. I will wake in the morning, and remember that I am lucky to have these things, in addition to much, much more.

Today, I will remember to feel lucky, happy, and blessed.

my basic life principle

“Do unto others” does not mean whatever someone does to you, do right back. It does mean treat others in the manner we would like to be treated in always. Operating on the basic understanding that we all prefer to be treated with kindness, honesty, dignity, consideration, compassion, and respect this is how we should c...onduct ourselves in every situation. Positive action creates positive results. Simple.

Dear Brain

Dear Brain,

Life often takes drastic turns. At times we may not know what is ahead. I have found solace in following your lead, confident that we are capable of facing whatever challenges may lie ahead. I look forward to spending an eternity with you. A compliment of you is what I strive to be. I am confident that we will live together for an indefinitely long time. Why?

I love you. I love you in every sense of the word. I love you with warm and personal affection. I love you as a dear family member. I love you romantically. Most of all I love you with the strongest form of love, a love that is an unselfish concern for doing what is right and good, whether it appears to be deserved or not. It is a love that covers mistakes. It provides the basis for “putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely.” Granted we all make mistakes, but this love allows us to forgive. This kind of love never fails. It is a perfect bond.

I deeply respect you. I want to honor you by being kind to you, respectful of your dignity and expressed views, and ready to fulfill any reasonable request made of me. I want to show my deep respect by considering what is best for you and giving that priority. I understand and accept that we may not always agree. It would be unreasonable to expect us to have identical opinions and views on everything. However, I do respect your views and opinions. I want to show my respect for your dignity as well by not making you the object of demeaning jokes or comments.

Because of the love and deep respect I have for you, I feel we can overcome any obstacles that may lie ahead. I feel we can have a happy future together, forever. There are many things I need to work on, many things I want to do but have yet to accomplish. I really need to work at communicating. Good communication flourishes when there are gently spoken words, gracious looks and gestures, kindness, understanding, and tenderness. I know I have failed at times to be understanding and to speak gently and for this I am truly sorry. While learned behavior is not an excuse for me to act in such a way, it may assist you in understanding. There are many personality traits I need to improve on. I find more and more aspects of my personality that need improvement each day. Please be patient with me as I try to make these improvements.

I am trying. I am trying to do what you need me to do. I am being patient but I must admit I am confused and slightly frustrated when my efforts to provide you with, what I believe to be, what you need are met with a less than positive reaction. At times I feel no matter what I do, or how, I am only going to succeed in causing you pain. I am being patient, and will continue in my patience, hoping to gain understanding in time.

I am learning to keep your interests first. You think this cannot be learned, I disagree. I have lived the majority of my life putting the needs of others first. However, for self-preservation I began putting myself first in order to avoid extreme pain and heartache. I had been trampled and beaten so often that in order to save myself from more harm I needed to put my interests first. I know I am capable of putting your needs, wants, and desires first and foremost. I know because it was a challenge to make myself less selfless and more selfish. I do love you and trust you completely. I need to recondition myself and readjust my thinking. I know you will not cause me any intentional harm. This knowledge allows me to make myself vulnerable again. I am able but most of all I truly desire to look out for your best interests instead of my own.

I love you sincerely, without reservation. I respect you deeply.

I miss you.

With all my love,

Heart

Once Upon a Fairy Tale

Sadly,
I still believe in Fairy Tales.
I still want the price rescues me from the monster,
I still dream about the happily ever after ending,
I still crave the one, the only one will find me.

Sadly,
I knew there is hardly any Fair Tales,
I knew I might be the only one can really rescue me from any kind of monsters,
I knew that happily ever after ending just the cover story,
I knew that there is no such thing is “The One.”

Last night I was thinking,
A friend asked me, “What are you thnking?”

I told her,
“I just want to find a guy that would chose having a conversation with me over watching TV.”

She laughed so hard,
I thought she might knock down.

“Mimi, there is no man on earth would do that!”
“Like your husband, he is so tired after whole day at work; he would take TV over me, Plus, it is his “personal space time, he deserves the TV.”

I understood what she was trying to tell me,
There is NO fairy tales.
Life is a hard, ill-planned play,
Get over it and get on your life.

Is that really true that once you married, or into a relationship for a little bit longer,
There will be nothing to talk about but the salts, toilet papers, and what’s for dinner?

Then,
Where are those passionate moments when you two first met?
Where are those sweet memories when you two were just one year into the relationship?
Where are those hot, sweaty lovemaking when you two just cannot keep the hands away from each other?
Where are those deep conversations when you two share your dreams together?

Really?
The steady relationship takes all of those away?
The family responsibilities take all of those away?
The love for your children take all of those away?

Or,
Those passionate moments are burying into the day so-called “anniversary,”
Those sweet memories only appear in your family albums,
The children are the result of those hot, sweaty love making, then that’s it,
Those deep conversations are about your two jobs, life, stress.

The little girl inside of me still believes in Fairy Tales. :-(

BREATHE AND LIVE IN THE MOMENT

I’ve had some difficulty in coming up with a word to frame my goals and intentions for the year which is why this post is 24 days after the new year. I’ve been thinking about it for a while though and I thought had it figured out until I started writing about it.

I began with focus because a major goal for this year is narrowing down my “to-do lists” and placing my energies toward things that matter, clearing out some of the distractions I seem to be caught up in. I liked the word focus because I liked the idea of seeing more clearly by adjusting or sharpening my view. But there was something not quite “enough” about it once I started writing my goals for the year. Once I read a friend's post on actions that help encourage follow through, I began to think about the phrase that says, “breathe” and “live in the moment”. When I thought of it I am reminded to breathe, to stop and pay attention, to sharpen my perspective instead of looking at everything in a huge way and concentrate instead on what is required in the moment. But it’s also about being present and accepting what is happening now instead of looking forward or backwards. For me, the moment is about letting go and not feeling like I must control everything. It means trusting in the bigger picture while staying present in the daily stuff.

Though I may come off as a confident person in some areas, I’m incredibly insecure in others. Since I graduated, I feel like the insecurities are making themselves known in detrimental ways, particularly in my career but also in my personal and emotional life. I need to trust myself and my ability to make decisions. I need to give myself some credit and realize that I am good at what I do, or at least I have the potential to be. If I could get out of my own way and stop second guessing myself. I need to trust in something bigger than myself, in the universe, in good. I need to rely on my instincts so that I am better able to place my energies into specific projects and moments instead of all over the map.

Some of my goals for 2010:

Continue to learn to cook, try out new recipes and take joy in the process. I’d like to cook more; I want to do a recipe a week but I’m not sure we should eat that much fat but I do have friends and neighbors who would enjoy more calories so we will see how it goes. I’ll look over the recipes and see what I want to make and start next week.

I’d like to plan a vacation that is not related to work in any way and truly get away with zoe and my husband. But I’d also like to visit new places (domestic travel preferred) and some of my old friends there as well as see my brother and relatives more frequently.

Mostly I’d like to settle in to my life (and this where living in the moment began to emerge for me). I know that sounds kind of strange. But I’ve been in a kind of identity crisis since I graduated and left life as a student behind. School was my safe zone; it always has been. I knew exactly what was expected and I was really good at it. I don’t know that I realized how deeply embedded the identity of “student” was in my psyche.

I’m trying to relax into this, professional identity and that has been more difficult than I expected. I think it accounts for a lot of my struggles in the classroom and the need to prove myself, thus taking on too many projects (so weird to account my college life 4 yrs after graduation, hehehe).

So, my major goal for the year is to look at this place in my life, a place I wasn’t sure was possible for me and take a deep breath and accept it in all of its messy and wonderful ways.

...I am so incredibly lucky to be here and I don’t know why I’ve been so resistant to saying, yes, this is my life.

...I am scared, I think, to step out embrace where all my (and those who love and support me) hard work has led.

I remember when I received my college diploma and thought now what?

What do you do when you’ve reached the one point you’ve been striving toward?

You set new goals, of course, but there’s a lot to handle emotionally and even though it’s fantastic to realize your dreams, it’s also terrifying.

I’ve tried to express this turmoil multiple times but I think now I have a better handle on what, specifically, I need to do to move past this and onto the next big things. And I want I need to do sounds really simple, but it’s harder than you think to be in the moment when you’re so used to looking ahead.

I’m not saying that I will stop planning or looking ahead, but that less energy will be spent in planning and more energy will be spent on doing.

That’s what I think living in the moment is all about, experiencing and doing.

Last year was about enriching my life, about adding to my knowledge and understanding, and adding to my life.

This year is about discovering what I might have and where I might be and who I’ll be with.

To help me do that I’m going to see and discover whats in store there for me, an incredibly cool and amazing idea from a mentor that seems so damn perfect for my living in the moment phrase for 2010.

I feel that the universe is supporting my endeavor!

just maybe

Maybe. . we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe . . . when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new
one which has been opened for us.

Maybe . . . it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it,
but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it
arrives.

Maybe . . . the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of
everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe . . . the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past;
after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go
of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

Maybe . . .. you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to
go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance
to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.

Maybe . . . there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a
spouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them from
your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you
appreciate them more.

Maybe . . . the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and
swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Maybe . . you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person,
too..

Maybe . . you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.

Maybe . giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will
love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in
their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe . . . happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all
those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can
appreciate the importance of ll the people who have touched their lves.

Maybe . . . you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for
wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because
it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that
makes your heart smile.

Maybe . . you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough
trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough
hope to make you happy

Maybe . . . you should try to live your life to the fullest because when
you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but
when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you
crying.

Maybe . . . you could share this message to those people who mean something to you, to those who have touched your life, to those who can and do make you smile when you really need it, to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down, and to all those whom you want to know that you appreciate them and their friendship. And if you don't, don't worry; nothing bad will happen to you. You will just miss out on the opportunity to perhaps brighten someone's day..

Things I Miss About You (that it hurts..)

a.k.a. Why I'm almost crying right now
a.k.a. Why this hurts so God damned much

His breath on my neck
His heartbeat
Being snuggled
Snuggling him
"Good morning"
Silly nicknames
Snuggling so long I don't have time for a shower
Crawling back into bed for just two more minutes of snuggles
No really, just two more minutes
"Have a good day"
"Want breakfast?"
"See you later"
"I love you"
"I'll miss you"
Calls at work for no reason
My house
Love notes in my lunch
Rushing home to see him
Having someone to meet me at the door
A hug at the end of a long day
Cooking for someone
"Dinner was fabulous"
Cooking with someone
Having someone to shop for
Having someone to shop with
The way he drove the grocery cart
Snuggling on the couch
Negotiating for the remote control
Smiling at him
Giggle fits
Secrets
Watching him when he doesn't know I'm watching
Looking up to see him watching me
Winking
The fact that he can only wink with one eye
The fact that I can only snap my fingers on one handr
"Where do you want to go?"
"What do you want to do"
Dressing up
Going out for dinner
Quick kisses
Passionate kisses
Stolen kisses
Wearing his shirts
His body heat
Washing his hair
Making love in the bedroom
Making love on the couch
Making love on the counters
Making love on the kitchen table
The sparkle in his eyes
Knowing he's safe
Hearing him tiptoe in
Holding hands
Him watching me undress
Being kissed all over
Making his birthday special
"You look great today"
His smell
Him carrying the heavy stuff
Him reaching the high stuff
Butterfly kisses
Naps on sunny afternoons
Going for walks
Going to movies
Eating ice cream
Taking care of him when he's sick
Feeling beautiful
Feeling special
Being loved
Being wanted
Being cherished
Feeling protected
Feeling safe
Our room
Our trees: faith, hope and love
Our neighbors
Making anniversary plans
Buying birthday presents
Buying anniversary presents
Buying Christmas presents
Buying Valentine's Day presents
The place we'd stop for breakfast
"Let me help you"
Being somebody's
Knowing someone is thinking about me
Having someone worry if I come home late
Our retirement dreams
Talking about growing old together
Watching the wrinkles appear year after year
Scratching his back
Being in love
Being loved
Looking at our photo albums
Hearing him sing in the shower
Singing to him
His "I'm sorry" look
Talking about the old apartment
Talking about our school days
Knowing how far we came together
Laying out his work clothes for him
Him polishing my shoes
Him ironing my clothes
Washing his clothes
Rubbing his back
Being hugged from behind
Being touched
Loving my life
Running down the driveway barefoot in the hallway for just one more kiss
Watching as he leaves
Watching for him to come home
Warming him up when he's cold
Taking baths together
Knowing exactly what he means
Knowing exactly what he wants
Finishing each others thoughts
"Let me get that for you"
Playing in a swimming pool together
Taking trips together
Tickling each other
Dancing in the middle of washing dishes
My hopes
My dreams
My friend
Being good enough
Getting roses
Presents for no reason
Him holding me when I had a bad dream
The sound of his voice
His smile
His laughter
Pillow talk
Falling asleep together
Us
... :-(

The Art of Letting Go..

Honey,

I wanted to apologize for some things that I may have done to drive you into the arms of other women while I lay in bed sleeping at night, just after praying to God thanking him for you and asking him to please watch over you, like I did every single night.

I am so sorry that I am always exhausted ... to tired to spend time with you. I don't know why I am always tired. There are plenty of women out there who have a stressful job, then come home to care for a child and a house. Why on earth would I be tired? Especially since we are both working all day. I completely agree that I should have had gone being boring with you EVERY TIME you wanted to, because after all, being boring, it makes the world go round!

Everyone knows that marriage cannot survive without being boring each week. How ridiculous of me to not consider this!

I am so so sorry that I didn't stroke your ego every second I had the opportunity. I'm sorry I didn't drop my purse and files and run to you and JUMP on you every time I came into the door after work! I am sorry I couldn't initiate sex whenever you wanted some, because after all, wives ARE mind readers, right??

I am sorry that we had only 4 days off a month together, and I didn't want to spend those days each month traveling to see your family. I am sorry I never wanted to do what you wanted to do because I should have recognized that you were PRETENDING to want to do the same things as me!

I should have known that when we spent sometime being together, you didn't really want to be with me. When you left me love letters, they were all lies. When you bought me gifts, there were out of guilt. I apologize, because I just didn't see it!

I am sorry for not telling you repeatedly how much I needed you, because for some idiotic reason, I thought it was more important that I wanted you.

After a dreadful thinking of lost and regrets, I told myself that having someone who doesn't know where to put his balls to rest does not deserve anybody especially myself.

And the only regret I have now is that I wasted so much sense in me for being SOMEBODY to some idiot like you!

So Goodbye..

I'm sorry.

...can anybody find me somebody to love?... (a lady's quest in finding her one true love)

’ve been thinking about this a lot as of late. Why, I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because a friend of mine has been lamenting on the same thing other single women have, that it’s really hard to find someone decent nowadays. Mind you, I don’t have an advanced degree that proves I know what I’m talking about. I only have around twelve years of relationship experience and an opinion about the whole thing. That’s it.

It seems to me that a lot of single ladies are searching for the “right” one. Mr. Right. A soul mate, the one we are meant to be with until the end of time. Our guaranteed happily ever after. I know I did. When I was searching, I referred to him as The One (this was long before Neo of The Matrix fame was The One) and in my mind, when I found him, he would be It.

So I found my first Neo as a boyfriend and we spent around two years together before he decided I wasn’t the One and took off. Naturally, I spent a great deal of time licking my wounds and trying to rebuild my life. I hate starting over.

So, blaming my friend for bringing up the topic, I began to think. What is “right”? If I ask you for a list of attributes that Mr. Right must possess, you could probably tell me what they are without thinking about it too much.

But what if you had a crystal ball that would allow you to see twenty years into the future … and the Mr. Right that you married, firmly believing that he was It, is now shacked up with your best friend? Was he really right? Was he the One? If you get many years of happiness, but not forever, is it right or wrong? If you don’t get forever, is it worth it to try?

I think the notion of Mr. Right, or the soul mate is lovely, but was probably borne out of a romance novel by some poor person who really needed something to believe in, something to hope for. More likely, in my humble opinion, there are many people you are compatible with.

Nobody ever sets out to have their heart broken. Nobody likes it and nobody wants to do it more than they have to. So, if you set aside the idea that soul mates don’t really exist (except in those famous romance novels), then what criteria do you use to determine that this guy or that guy is someone you could spend your life with, while still doing your best to avoid having your heart broken? And for the love of God, Angie please take note!!!

Obviously, it has to begin with a spark, that physical attraction that provides the impetus for us to move toward some kind of union. After that, you have to be willing to risk losing—your heart, your lifestyle, and you must be able to let go of your fear. If you get past all that (and he does too), then maybe you start thinking about the future. Again, skipping over the soul mate notion, consider whether or not he’s good to you. Is he good for you? Do you both want similar things in life?

When I look back at my past relationships, I can see that it was more likely to fail than succeed. Of course, I see that now, after it’s too late. What went wrong? He was good to me and good for me and we did (seemingly) want the same things from life. For a while.

I have to endure this trial and error test until I found my husband whom I'm happily married to. The factors below are simple things I consider to be happy and less hurt.

Everyone knows that communication is important in a relationship but I think a willingness to change and grow with that person is also important. People talk about compromise, and that’s a part of it, too, but it can’t be the kind of compromise where one wins and the other loses. At least not all the time, because the one losing is eventually going to become resentful.

So is there a key, some kind of code to follow to increase the chance of success? Well, I do think rushing into a relationship is generally a bad idea. Some people can and have done it, but by and large, I think it’s best to ease into a relationship, to build a commitment to each other over time. This allows you to occasionally step back and ask yourself, is he good to me? Is he good for me? Do we still want the same things? And, obviously, he should be asking these same questions. Looking back, I see now that I didn’t do that and I’m guessing he didn’t either. I’d like to say that I was busy with life, but what I really think was that the commitment wasn’t there, right from the start.

The bottom line is that there is no guaranteed happily ever after and, in my opinion, no Mr. Right and no soul mates. There is only the world you build and the happiness/contentment you have has not been handed to you as a gift from above. Instead, it’s something the two of you built because that was what you wanted and believed in and continued to do so even when it got a little rough. Especially when it got rough.