i love you.. .

I’ve been with this man that makes me feel so in love and so infuriated all at the same time. We have developed a pattern where we are extremely happy and can’t get enough of each other and as time goes by, I’m pulling away. I know now that it’s me pulling away because I know deep down, he’s not the guy I expected to end up with. So, traumatized of being committed to the wrong guy, I run away. My problem is I can’t last a week before I miss him and I want him back in my life.

My friends say I’m addicted to the drama. Who’s to say? There are so many wrongs in my relationship that sometimes I have a hard time remembering why I love this man... until I’m standing in front of him, hugging him, kissing him, laughing with him. I know I could spend the rest of my life with this guy and we would have fun together.

My concerns run the game out from his bachelor lifestyle (lack of responsibility) to his conspiracy theories, to his selfish nature (he needs to receive in order to give; imagine an invisible score-card tracking his every move), to his bad habits, to his uncontrollable spending (because he can’t save, I don’t know if I’ll ever accomplish my dreams of traveling the world), to his laziness and lack of motivation.

With all of the problems, no matter how many times I walk away, I always come back to him. When we’re “making up,” I feel a love that I’ve never felt before in my life. We’ve discussed everything until we’re blue in the face. He’s acknowledged that he takes me for granted. He agrees that he should work on some of his more disgusting habits. He knows he needs to be more responsible and pay his bills on time and start a savings account. When I’m with him, I manage to motivate him, but when I’m not there, he loses that focus and I can’t hold his hand for him.

I’m twenty-six years old, I’m not at all worried about a biological clock ticking to fulfill all my dreams. My dream is to live happy and finding companionship with that special someone. I can’t imagine myself without this man in my life. I want to walk in the parks with him, have longer walks on a beach, have picnics, hold hands, and do all the things I’ve loved doing with him.

I talk to friends, young and old, and I can see that people have overcome bigger problems than mine. I’ve analyzed this relationship to death and maybe it’s not as perfect as I’ve imagined in my dreams and maybe there are other men out there that will have all the qualities that I want in a man. But I love this man. I want my future to be with this man.

You always hear “life is short.” Doesn’t that mean to enjoy life with what you have in front of you and to stop imagining that the grass is greener elsewhere?

So maybe he’s not perfect and maybe we have an uphill battle in front of us, but when I feel the love I feel with him and when I watch him take baby steps to try to make me the happiest girl alive, I know in my heart that this can work and that I’m not wasting my time. And if I do make it to the point where I’m spending the rst of my life with this man, I will know that every argument and every everytime I spent apart from him was worth it to make it to that moment.