’ve been thinking about this a lot as of late. Why, I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because a friend of mine has been lamenting on the same thing other single women have, that it’s really hard to find someone decent nowadays. Mind you, I don’t have an advanced degree that proves I know what I’m talking about. I only have around twelve years of relationship experience and an opinion about the whole thing. That’s it.
It seems to me that a lot of single ladies are searching for the “right” one. Mr. Right. A soul mate, the one we are meant to be with until the end of time. Our guaranteed happily ever after. I know I did. When I was searching, I referred to him as The One (this was long before Neo of The Matrix fame was The One) and in my mind, when I found him, he would be It.
So I found my first Neo as a boyfriend and we spent around two years together before he decided I wasn’t the One and took off. Naturally, I spent a great deal of time licking my wounds and trying to rebuild my life. I hate starting over.
So, blaming my friend for bringing up the topic, I began to think. What is “right”? If I ask you for a list of attributes that Mr. Right must possess, you could probably tell me what they are without thinking about it too much.
But what if you had a crystal ball that would allow you to see twenty years into the future … and the Mr. Right that you married, firmly believing that he was It, is now shacked up with your best friend? Was he really right? Was he the One? If you get many years of happiness, but not forever, is it right or wrong? If you don’t get forever, is it worth it to try?
I think the notion of Mr. Right, or the soul mate is lovely, but was probably borne out of a romance novel by some poor person who really needed something to believe in, something to hope for. More likely, in my humble opinion, there are many people you are compatible with.
Nobody ever sets out to have their heart broken. Nobody likes it and nobody wants to do it more than they have to. So, if you set aside the idea that soul mates don’t really exist (except in those famous romance novels), then what criteria do you use to determine that this guy or that guy is someone you could spend your life with, while still doing your best to avoid having your heart broken? And for the love of God, Angie please take note!!!
Obviously, it has to begin with a spark, that physical attraction that provides the impetus for us to move toward some kind of union. After that, you have to be willing to risk losing—your heart, your lifestyle, and you must be able to let go of your fear. If you get past all that (and he does too), then maybe you start thinking about the future. Again, skipping over the soul mate notion, consider whether or not he’s good to you. Is he good for you? Do you both want similar things in life?
When I look back at my past relationships, I can see that it was more likely to fail than succeed. Of course, I see that now, after it’s too late. What went wrong? He was good to me and good for me and we did (seemingly) want the same things from life. For a while.
I have to endure this trial and error test until I found my husband whom I'm happily married to. The factors below are simple things I consider to be happy and less hurt.
Everyone knows that communication is important in a relationship but I think a willingness to change and grow with that person is also important. People talk about compromise, and that’s a part of it, too, but it can’t be the kind of compromise where one wins and the other loses. At least not all the time, because the one losing is eventually going to become resentful.
So is there a key, some kind of code to follow to increase the chance of success? Well, I do think rushing into a relationship is generally a bad idea. Some people can and have done it, but by and large, I think it’s best to ease into a relationship, to build a commitment to each other over time. This allows you to occasionally step back and ask yourself, is he good to me? Is he good for me? Do we still want the same things? And, obviously, he should be asking these same questions. Looking back, I see now that I didn’t do that and I’m guessing he didn’t either. I’d like to say that I was busy with life, but what I really think was that the commitment wasn’t there, right from the start.
The bottom line is that there is no guaranteed happily ever after and, in my opinion, no Mr. Right and no soul mates. There is only the world you build and the happiness/contentment you have has not been handed to you as a gift from above. Instead, it’s something the two of you built because that was what you wanted and believed in and continued to do so even when it got a little rough. Especially when it got rough.
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