Moving on..

How does one respond to what is, undoubtedly, just one of many breakup scenarios: “Hey, you’re a wonderful person … but I’m still in a singles mode … but I do love you …”

Well, first there is “Ouch!” I'm sure.

But before you slide down that slippery slope of misery, reach for “He / She is just not that into you” (the movie). It’s filled with the kind of common sense reminders anyone can benefit from and could get you to that ”Whoala!” moment quicker than my friend. Confidants are good and necessary, however. They are obliged, sincerely so, to act as a soothing balm serving up spoonfuls of wisdom like: “[blank] is an [expletive] … and so unworthy of you anyway, etc. etc.” along with other “feel better” thingys and all other abused phrases for feel-good purposes.

Yet, what is the message? How should you interpret it? And, more important, what do you do? Is it a teaser? A trick? No. It’s an open and honest confession of that person’s preferred social lifestyle. It says, “I like you. I enjoy being with you, but I still want to enjoy many pleasures, and if you are so inclined, you are welcome to continue to enjoy what we have … but!" Yes, and therein lies the rub. The bite is in the butt. It really depends on the dumpee.

For some, it is easy. We may choose to do so depending on the perceived love and strong desire for the love object, simply because we too want to share ourselves with the world. Alternatively, some decide this lifestyle is not enough and it will give honor, love and respect their own “Self’s” desire for exclusivity by seeking other more rewarding and reciprocal pleasures and passions. The desire is to graze where the grass is plentiful and much (much?) easier to digest. This too is good.

Relationships are like living cells, dividing and renewing, splitting off and coupling here or there—or, nowhere. Citing the analysis based from my friends' different love stories I think that people use all means today to “disaggregate, slice up, and repackage their emotional and physical needs, servicing each with a different partner, and hoping to come out ahead. Often they will be on the verge of spending the evening with one partner, when an opportunity arrives from another with a potentially better offer. To guard against not being chosen at all, and I quote, “sigurista tayo madalas, and everybody has a back-burner of their own, which they maintain with open-ended relationships.”

This occurred to a friend while still in a relationship with the nicest guy she ever met in her entire life somewhat chooses to swing on the other side of the river. When she thought she will be happier with the new guy she broke it off her boyfriend and enjoyed the company and got crazy. Thing turned she got hurt in the end, sad part is she has to endure so much pain all by herself because she just expected too much, and all she can do is to avoid it.. There's nothing to end.. They were never "officially" together.

The question became “how can you break up if you were never officially together?” My answer: What is “official?” Don’t kid yourself. You were together just without the acknowledged, albeit, verbal commitment. It was in many instances implied. It was implied simply based on the social lifestyle you shared with the Other through your physical and emotional intimacy—you know, the waking up together, the having breakfast, the spending the day doing normal things (or heck, not so “normal” whatever that is). It was the what? The grocery shopping, going to parties, socializing with friends, or even taking care of one of another in sickness, in health—attending to one another’s needs—physical and/or emotional. If this level of interaction occurs on a regular basis, daily or weekly, and with relative frequency and regular contact, it is a relationship.

You may ask, “but if there is no verbal commitment; they could leave you at any time? What if you never got clarity that it was a commitment?” This is tricky, rightly so. If you asked and were told no, that’s a different story. If you never asked, the relationship was still aqueous and flowing and a certain commitment is still inferred based on your habit / attitude, suggesting a certain situation. And the statistics on annulment and marriage in the Philippines tell us, surely, that even in a marriage, there are no guarantees. One or the other may elect to leave at any time. Words, however, are more concrete gestures, and yet…things change.

The bottom line is, well … the bottom line.

What’s next?

Another dear friend decides, after hesitantly ending a relationship (of almost a year) to “just put it out of my mind. Not think about her. I choose not to deal with emotions like that. I will just hide my feelings in the event hardening call us that is becoming my heart, hoping that I will forget about her.” So, do you really think you are just gonna “wash that woman right outta your hair?” Just like that? Great! What’s the recipe?

The strategy involved taking it “week-by-week with no contact by email, or phone.” Hmmm, week-by-week? The reality is that it can actually be more like minute by minute, particularly if you have shared so much oxygen together. It can be challenging just to get through a day without some small thing reminding you of something said, or done or experienced with the other. What about the thoughts or feelings a particular song may say? Or a favorite television commercial that tickled you both? Or, a favorite venue, restaurant, coffee shop? Or an event you may have participated in? I know for myself, each time I walk by a particular place, I think of someone I shared a really lovely, fun and funny day with. All these seemingly insignificant (at the time) memories require time to fade way. Reliving them can feel like little pin pricks, reminders of something gone, some “thing” that is no longer “something;” A something missing from what is in sum just a part of life’s ever changing landscape.

Allow yourself to be human, to feel those feelings, all of them, whatever they are. That’s ok. Let it hurt. You are not a robot. Why hide yourself, from your SELF? To thine own Self be true, right? Allow yourself to experience it all, good and bad. Sometimes a good cry can do wonders. The next minute you may feel just fine, in control, even. Feel it, then smile and then keep moving. Otherwise, the potential to become bitter increases.

“But it’s confusing!” you say. Yes, of course it is. Of course you are confused. This is normal and quite natural, even necessary. This is your moment of truth. Stand in front of a mirror, look yourself square in the eyes, admire your face, your hair.

Look at yourself and say: “I Love You, [your name here]. I’m proud of you! Thank you for being good to us.” And then, believe it.

Back to the bottom line
If they are not, whispering those words that “melt” you:

“If this life ain’t good enough, I would give my world, my life to lift you up…I can change my life to better suit your mood….you got the kinda lovin’ that can be so smooth?”

Then it’s time to say, “… give me your heart, make it real, or else forget about it.” And then, just forget about it.

If it hurts too much to stay, then it was time to let go. If you walked away, think of it as a gesture of love toward yourself, of respecting your own needs while also giving the Other the space to continue to grow and be who they are, who they want to be. It’s a win-win situation. And the truth is, you just never know what’s next.

Sometimes you have to let go in order to get to the next step. “Never compromise yourself, it is all you've got.”