Instability of my Brain Cells

I once heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Being the analytical person that I am, I am somewhat puzzled at why I have not been able to completely curtail this behavior in myself. I can see so clearly after the fact, but when I’m “in it”—well, that is a completely different story.

Of course this thing strikes many of us in various parts of our lives. Sometimes it is with our romantic relationships, sometimes with how we handle parenting our children, it could be the way that we do our jobs, and other times it is with how we act or react to our parents’ unsolicited advice for us.

In all cases, however, it seems to me that it might be the illusion of control that is the driving force behind some instances of insane behavior. Or maybe it is just that we see what we want to see and ignore the rest, that is, until it jumps up and bites us in the ass. Either way, my sanity has come into question recently and I think it is time to rid myself of the old behaviors and try something new.

My marriage to a diagnosed “untreated” non-emotional person after I had “had enough.” Since we have Zoe together, this is not a relationship that I wish will not end and with no future contact. We had to find a way to communicate and co-parent to the best of our abilities. After two years of honeymoon period, we have made significant progress—or so I thought. We began sharing a few minor details about our personal lives.

But then it happened. I made a mistake, one for which I did apologize, but nevertheless a mistake and now the backlash has started. He rants and raves and blames. Everything that could have or has gone wrong in the last years before we got married is now all my fault (again). I actually used to believe this garbage! You see, I was never allowed to make mistakes. Not then, and apparently not now. He’d probably blame me for the war if one broke out today!

I realize now that engaging in this “friendship” behavior with an untreated non-emotional person is no different than trying to stay married to one. It’s like trying to drag your friend on a marathon run when they haven’t even run a 5k yet (I haven't either, but it feels like that). We are just at two completely different levels of maturity. There are substantial reasons why the marriage will not work out I'm afraid and it would be very wise for me to remember those reasons when the delusion of a healthy friendship comes trotting along again.

Insane? Yes, but it was temporary. My faculties are all now back in working order and the pebbles in my brain—well, large marbles as may be the case since I’m pretty witty—can continue along the beaten path to a happy and healthy future with those that are capable.