love taught me..

Shakespeare once wrote, “To thine own self be true” and for once, I actually think I am starting to completely understand that quote.

This year has been a full of misery, disappointment, pain, and heartache but in these ruins blossoms hope and promise. Had the heartache of the past year not happened, I wouldn’t have started to spend time finding myself and though I am still at the beginning of this life long search it’s nice to finally see me again. It’s been a long time since I’ve been true to myself and wow is it ever difficult.

I am going through a painful phase with someone I love very much. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love him. For a long time he was my reason for being, my world, my everything. I truly hated myself when I met him and I believed that because he was so amazing that he could in turn make me into something seeing as I saw myself as nothing.

I loved him, everything about him, and I wanted to make him happy all the time. I truly believed in the love that TV and movies presents to us. Something eternal and beautiful, you know like the end of a romantic comedy. Little did I know that this charming young man would sweep me so far off my feet that I would lose myself in him and become what he needed in order for him to be happy.

He seemed to be my knight in shining armor, the one to take care of me forever and I bought it. I didn’t know the knightly presence came with a price and well I should have been a bit more aware, but I was hopelessly and dangerously in love.

I became everything he wanted and needed and I stopped thinking about what I wanted and needed because it didn’t matter, I had him. I wasn’t alone; I wasn’t a horrible person because he loved me.

Loving him was so easy; it filled the void in my soul and even though that little voice in my gut kept trying to speak out, I would soothe it with thoughts of the perfect life. This worked for years; I deluded myself into thinking that I was happy and that my life was perfect.

Then the cloud started to shift and I started to see clearer who he really was and what life I was really living.

He would knock me down emotionally when I started to have an opinion about anything and convince me that my thoughts and feelings were invalid and his way was the right one. He would make me feel like a second-class citizen in my own home and it was my duty to ensure he was happy. It was a constant stress to keep him happy, walking on eggshells and putting on the happy face all the time.

Being judged and criticized constantly started to wear on me and the love cloud thinned even more. I would wake up in the middle of the night crying uncontrollably because I was so unhappy and yet I had this life that society deems successful and well perfect from the outside. I would ask myself repeatedly why I couldn’t be happy. If I could just ignore all the criticisms and the constant air of disappointment my presence caused, I could find happiness again. I was convinced if I just could be the person he needed me to be then it would all go back to being good. I just had to work harder at it, make more time for him, and really pay attention to his needs.

I started searching for that cloud everywhere so I could hide within it and forget the pain.

The funny thing about pain is that unless you get to the root of it, it doesn’t go away. Sure, you can dull it, even remove it for a short period of time, but it always comes back and it’s usually worse. I left when I couldn’t take it anymore and for the past year, I’ve been doubting that decision almost every day. I feel like a quitter and a failure because I couldn’t find a way past the pain to make it work. He loved me—I knew that—and I figured if I loved him enough, we could make it work. I just had to love him enough.

Then I realized something just recently: it’s not about how much you love the person, its about how much you love and respect yourself that actually matters. You’re better at loving someone when you love yourself completely because then you know what it means to love.

Thoughts of leaving him was the most difficult thing for me to do, but it was because I started to love myself and realized I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. If he truly loved me, he would see the real me and cherish that person.

In all relationships, there are two sides to every story and by no means am I absolved of anything I’ve done to get us here either. I will forever be sorry that I couldn’t love him the way he needed because I didn’t love myself enough to do that. My heart is broken because I hurt him so deeply.

Everyone says time heals all wounds and though that may be true, the heart never totally heals, you bear those scars forever. Once you’ve opened yourself up to someone so much and been hurt you are forever changed, you can never look upon yourself in the same way again and you don’t see love in the soft light you once did.

I hope to be able to find myself and love who I am completely because in that act I’ll finally know what it really means to love someone with your whole heart and soul.