I quit everything. But I’ve never quit on love.
I love to love and I love being in love.
It’s the one thing I’m pretty good at, even if my significant others were not.
I’m a sappy person. In fact, I like chick flicks and, even more so, the romantic-comedy genre. For some reason, it’s easy for me to fall in love even though I’m scared to death of being heartbroken.
When you’re in love, you open yourself up to another person. Once your heart is open, you are vulnerable to attack.
Love is hard and complicated to understand. It’s not something you see, but rather something you can only feel. Sometimes, it can be hard to detect, especially if you’ve been heartbroken before. Nonetheless, soon you will recognize that you’re neck deep in it.
No matter how hard-knocks I pretend to be on the outside, on the inside I want to love and I want to be loved.
I want a lifelong happy marriage—that fairytale life that movies are written about—but love like that is hard to find. How do you know when you’ve found it?
Are you actually in love or do you just love love?
Love has so many unanswered questions. For women, it’s a complex feeling to grasp, but since we’re emotionally wired, we strive for that complexity. We want that feeling of knowing that we’re needed and cherished.
Love makes us feel beautiful, like we’re the only woman in the world.
It is hard not to get caught up with the idea of love or to spend your time searching for it. We’re women and we are very in touch with our emotions—especially love.
And while we search for love, we must remember never to obsess about it.
Because loving love sets you up for heartbreak. When you love love, you will try to turn anything into a fairytale romance. You must distinguish between the two, even though it is complicated. See beyond the idea of the fairytale and see the man that you are with. Do you really love him, or do you just want the fairytale wedding?
Remember to be patient with love. Never settle. You will find love, and if you are patient enough, you will have it the rest of your life.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
love will find me again
Ahh, love. It comes. It goes. It takes your breath away … leaves you floating on air. Then one day, it simply takes your breath … leaves you deflated, void of life, and gasping for the very air you once floated effortlessly on. But what goes up must come down, right? We fall passionately in love … can’t pull our otherwise rational head out of the clouds, not that we want to. Our love is intoxicating, empowering, and seemingly infallible. Little do we know? We trust that love so completely that before long, we take it for granted. Anything we take for granted, we neglect. A marriage neglected becomes a marriage ... fallible. What comes next? The better question may be what doesn’t come next? We may find ourselves in love limbo … somewhere between “in love” with our spouse and thinking to stay in-love with our spouse. No man’s land. We still love our spouse, but we’re not “in love” anymore. What now? Do we give up? Or do we fight for our marriage, rather than against it?
It happens every day to couples everywhere. Spouses fall out of love. They no longer feel that electric spark between themselves … no longer see in their spouse what they did once upon a time. They’re simply no longer happy with this person they vowed to love in “sickness AND health.” Of course, there are occasions when THINKING is the best choice. But more times than not, a couple who was once passionately in love can find their way back to that love...given a little effort and an open mind. Do you remember those heartfelt vows you pledged to your spouse? Do you remember the look in your spouse’s eyes when you were exchanging those vows? Do you remember the moment you said, “I do?” Do you remember the priest who wed you waving the “easy marriage” wand over your heads? Do you remember the marriage license containing a disclaimer? “Warning: Marriage will suck the life out of you. If you have a wandering eye, a short temper, a stubborn personality, a closed mind, or if you in any way, shape, or form classify yourself as HUMAN … you may want to consult your lawyer before entering into this contract!” Of course not! We don’t enter into marriage with the anticipation of separation. We’re too blinded by our love at the point of “I do.” But there will come a time … a time when you don’t share the same spark that once had the ability to set your whole “forest” ablaze … a time when you simply tolerate the other … a time when you no longer feel “in love” … a time when you wonder if divorce is inevitable.
You won’t be alone. When we say “I do,” it’s hard to imagine the profound reality of the next 50 years. As newlyweds, we’re infants in the world of marriage. We can’t comprehend the difficulty that awaits us … the stress of keeping mounting bills paid, raising kids whose primary job seems to be pulling us away from each other, meeting the needs of career, family, and life, in general. Romance is often times stuck on the back burner, metaphorically speaking, and forgotten about until we smell that “burning” stench lingering in the air. We forget to pay attention to it until we’re so far apart emotionally that it may seem too late … and we begin kicking around those word in our thoughts.
The fact is ALL marriages will go through these “dry” spells. This is the ebb and flow of marriage. Spouses fall in and out of love with one another all the time. We enter marriage “in love” …obviously. As the years pass and stress envelopes us, we may begin to neglect one another … and fall out of love. While we may still love each other (just as we love our family), we may not be “in love.” We may love him, but not like him very much anymore. We may wonder why we ever married this person to begin with. We may even be disgusted with our spouse on occasion. We may think there’s no hope … no way to get “it” back. Wrong again! By this stage in life, we should be growing accustomed to being … wrong … every now and then.
The beauty of love is that it tends to come full circle, much like that iconic, circular representation of it we exchange on the day we wed … the wedding band. Our love will start out in a state of romantic bliss. Bliss will fade. “Getting by” will become our daily struggle … but love will endure. That iconic symbol will withstand being left at home, being temporarily lost; being smudged by life’s daily messes … it will even withstand us outgrowing it (just as we do our love at times). But even with all the trials that band encounters, it remains an intact circle and very difficult to “break.”
Love will come and go. Someday, we’ll fall out of love with our spouse and find ourselves hovering in love limbo. But give it time … that love will return. Search for the charming, endearing things your spouse does, rather than focusing on the negative annoyances. One day your spouse will wink sensually at you, touch you lovingly, or kiss you in a way that reignites that “long been out” flame. That flame will cause your knees to grow weak, send your heart aflutter, and … hopefully, leave you in the throes of passion. All the things that made you fall in love in the first place will come rushing back to you … and possibly, leave you floating on air once again. On this day, your vision won’t be so utterly impeded by all of life’s messy trials. You’ll be able to see what initially attracted you to this person you pledged your life to. Once returned, that love will likely be stronger than ever before. After all, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger … right? Cliche, but true.
A love that once found us WILL find us again. We just have to do our part: be patient enough to wait for it and devoted enough to draw it a map.
It happens every day to couples everywhere. Spouses fall out of love. They no longer feel that electric spark between themselves … no longer see in their spouse what they did once upon a time. They’re simply no longer happy with this person they vowed to love in “sickness AND health.” Of course, there are occasions when THINKING is the best choice. But more times than not, a couple who was once passionately in love can find their way back to that love...given a little effort and an open mind. Do you remember those heartfelt vows you pledged to your spouse? Do you remember the look in your spouse’s eyes when you were exchanging those vows? Do you remember the moment you said, “I do?” Do you remember the priest who wed you waving the “easy marriage” wand over your heads? Do you remember the marriage license containing a disclaimer? “Warning: Marriage will suck the life out of you. If you have a wandering eye, a short temper, a stubborn personality, a closed mind, or if you in any way, shape, or form classify yourself as HUMAN … you may want to consult your lawyer before entering into this contract!” Of course not! We don’t enter into marriage with the anticipation of separation. We’re too blinded by our love at the point of “I do.” But there will come a time … a time when you don’t share the same spark that once had the ability to set your whole “forest” ablaze … a time when you simply tolerate the other … a time when you no longer feel “in love” … a time when you wonder if divorce is inevitable.
You won’t be alone. When we say “I do,” it’s hard to imagine the profound reality of the next 50 years. As newlyweds, we’re infants in the world of marriage. We can’t comprehend the difficulty that awaits us … the stress of keeping mounting bills paid, raising kids whose primary job seems to be pulling us away from each other, meeting the needs of career, family, and life, in general. Romance is often times stuck on the back burner, metaphorically speaking, and forgotten about until we smell that “burning” stench lingering in the air. We forget to pay attention to it until we’re so far apart emotionally that it may seem too late … and we begin kicking around those word in our thoughts.
The fact is ALL marriages will go through these “dry” spells. This is the ebb and flow of marriage. Spouses fall in and out of love with one another all the time. We enter marriage “in love” …obviously. As the years pass and stress envelopes us, we may begin to neglect one another … and fall out of love. While we may still love each other (just as we love our family), we may not be “in love.” We may love him, but not like him very much anymore. We may wonder why we ever married this person to begin with. We may even be disgusted with our spouse on occasion. We may think there’s no hope … no way to get “it” back. Wrong again! By this stage in life, we should be growing accustomed to being … wrong … every now and then.
The beauty of love is that it tends to come full circle, much like that iconic, circular representation of it we exchange on the day we wed … the wedding band. Our love will start out in a state of romantic bliss. Bliss will fade. “Getting by” will become our daily struggle … but love will endure. That iconic symbol will withstand being left at home, being temporarily lost; being smudged by life’s daily messes … it will even withstand us outgrowing it (just as we do our love at times). But even with all the trials that band encounters, it remains an intact circle and very difficult to “break.”
Love will come and go. Someday, we’ll fall out of love with our spouse and find ourselves hovering in love limbo. But give it time … that love will return. Search for the charming, endearing things your spouse does, rather than focusing on the negative annoyances. One day your spouse will wink sensually at you, touch you lovingly, or kiss you in a way that reignites that “long been out” flame. That flame will cause your knees to grow weak, send your heart aflutter, and … hopefully, leave you in the throes of passion. All the things that made you fall in love in the first place will come rushing back to you … and possibly, leave you floating on air once again. On this day, your vision won’t be so utterly impeded by all of life’s messy trials. You’ll be able to see what initially attracted you to this person you pledged your life to. Once returned, that love will likely be stronger than ever before. After all, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger … right? Cliche, but true.
A love that once found us WILL find us again. We just have to do our part: be patient enough to wait for it and devoted enough to draw it a map.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
For a Happier ME!!
Being twenty six in three month time, I want to share my list of coping with life. I have recently experienced the lowest point in my life so far and i was greatly affected, depressed in so many ways in almost everything in my everyday encounters. But through God's grace, I'm now okay..
1 .Be positive it made you keep going.
2. When make decisions, oversee the future, do not rush, think well.
3. Give yourself a chance for change unless it benefits you.
4. Its nice to be friendly, but do not give all your trust.
5. When your partner makes mistake give him a chance.
6. When already have children, they must be the priorities and never your own you.
7. Respect other people’s private lives, whether she has nothing or she has everything.
8. Do not expect an old classmate to have changed her attitudes, I tell you she is just the same.
9. Be contented of what you have, as long your work is clean, and never get stained.
10. Being too much rich cannot save you from death.
11. Be humble, people come to you, but being boastful people stay away from you.
12. Be open minded of what is happening to your environment.
13. Respect others religion, believe that there is only one God; never criticize them because you may not know when they are talking at your back.
14. When eating, think of the many children that barely eats a day, so you won’t eat too much and it saves your calorie in take.
15. Drink water, and sleep well.
16. Never waste your time to nothing, make something worthy if not for yourself for others concern.
17. Believe that every problem encountered there is always a solution, put aside suicide because when you die people tell that you are crazy … who on earth want to be called crazy.
18 Be supportive to your children, they will be thankful when they fulfill their dreams and you’ll be loved by them forever.
19. Be open to criticisms especially destructive because you will learn to improve yourself.
20. Your partner should not only be your lover but best friend as well.
21. The family is the best foundation to improve because it is them you first run to when in trouble.
22. Do not be perfectionist; you may be depressed when a single error takes place.
23 Do not allow boredom overshadow you, there are so many things to do.
24. Be thankful to your parents for that breath they gave you.
25. Thank God for your life.
26. Believe in yourself.
1 .Be positive it made you keep going.
2. When make decisions, oversee the future, do not rush, think well.
3. Give yourself a chance for change unless it benefits you.
4. Its nice to be friendly, but do not give all your trust.
5. When your partner makes mistake give him a chance.
6. When already have children, they must be the priorities and never your own you.
7. Respect other people’s private lives, whether she has nothing or she has everything.
8. Do not expect an old classmate to have changed her attitudes, I tell you she is just the same.
9. Be contented of what you have, as long your work is clean, and never get stained.
10. Being too much rich cannot save you from death.
11. Be humble, people come to you, but being boastful people stay away from you.
12. Be open minded of what is happening to your environment.
13. Respect others religion, believe that there is only one God; never criticize them because you may not know when they are talking at your back.
14. When eating, think of the many children that barely eats a day, so you won’t eat too much and it saves your calorie in take.
15. Drink water, and sleep well.
16. Never waste your time to nothing, make something worthy if not for yourself for others concern.
17. Believe that every problem encountered there is always a solution, put aside suicide because when you die people tell that you are crazy … who on earth want to be called crazy.
18 Be supportive to your children, they will be thankful when they fulfill their dreams and you’ll be loved by them forever.
19. Be open to criticisms especially destructive because you will learn to improve yourself.
20. Your partner should not only be your lover but best friend as well.
21. The family is the best foundation to improve because it is them you first run to when in trouble.
22. Do not be perfectionist; you may be depressed when a single error takes place.
23 Do not allow boredom overshadow you, there are so many things to do.
24. Be thankful to your parents for that breath they gave you.
25. Thank God for your life.
26. Believe in yourself.
Monday, June 21, 2010
I can't get enough of this song..
Tensionado
(Soapdish / Drizzle Version)
Tensionado
Nagulat din ako
Nong malaman na hindi lang pala ako
Yung nanghinayang
Nong nagaway tayo noon
At natuluyan sa iyakan at tampo
Chorus:
At sandali lang
Huwag ka munang magsalita
Di ko hahayaan lahat ito ay mawala
Ang iniisip ko kung pwede pa ba tayo
At miserable
Paulit-ulit lang ang nangyayari
Paikot-ikot tayo parang bote
At nasanay ka na ba doon
At nalimutan ang aking mga tanong
Chorus 2:
At hindi malinaw
Pwede bang wag kang sumigaw
Di ko hahayaan lahat ito ay maligaw
Nagtatanong sayo kung pwede pa ba tayo
Chorus 3:
At sandali lang
Huwag ka munang magsalita
Di ko hahayaan lahat ito ay mawala
Nagtatanong sayo kung pwede pa ba tayo
(Soapdish / Drizzle Version)
Tensionado
Nagulat din ako
Nong malaman na hindi lang pala ako
Yung nanghinayang
Nong nagaway tayo noon
At natuluyan sa iyakan at tampo
Chorus:
At sandali lang
Huwag ka munang magsalita
Di ko hahayaan lahat ito ay mawala
Ang iniisip ko kung pwede pa ba tayo
At miserable
Paulit-ulit lang ang nangyayari
Paikot-ikot tayo parang bote
At nasanay ka na ba doon
At nalimutan ang aking mga tanong
Chorus 2:
At hindi malinaw
Pwede bang wag kang sumigaw
Di ko hahayaan lahat ito ay maligaw
Nagtatanong sayo kung pwede pa ba tayo
Chorus 3:
At sandali lang
Huwag ka munang magsalita
Di ko hahayaan lahat ito ay mawala
Nagtatanong sayo kung pwede pa ba tayo
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
dreams
In summer of 2001, when I met my husband, I was a young girl with big dreams. I can sit here and say that my dreams included becoming a successful, powerful, and highly respected career woman. But I would be lying. I wanted to meet a successful, powerful, and highly respected man who wanted to take care of me.
I would have his beautiful babies.
I would dress them in the hottest new baby gear.
We would have play dates at our favorite park.
I would have a nanny.
I would work out daily.
I would have a beautiful house with a HUGE walk-in closet.
I would have a housekeeper.
I would always look sexy for my husband, my hair would be done, and my makeup would look great.
We would have weekly date nights.
We would go on extraordinary vacations.
We would go to fancy dinner parties and he would show me off to his friends, coworkers, prospective clients.
My boobs would forever be perfect, stable, and far above my belly button.
My ass would be tight and firm.
I would be a 'mother i like to f*ck"—yes, the “hot” mom all the kids would talk about. (Sick to even hope for that, I know.)
In 2001, when I met my husband, I was a young girl with big dreams. It is now 2010 and I have no clue where I went wrong. My husband decided he wanted to follow his dream.
He becomes a struggling employee of a call center.
I was so supportive; he felt so blessed.
He is now a product supervisor.
We have Zoe.
I have a nanny.
I don’t have a housekeeper.
The house is a mess.
Our place is the size of the dream-home’s walk-in closet.
My hair always looks like shit.
I wear cheap makeup.
My boobs make a bellybutton sandwich.
My ass is the opposite of firm.
I am the friend of the M.I.L.F.
WTF happened to me, and where did I go wrong?
I sometimes feel sorry for myself in the middle of a mini breakdown (usually after a long week full of sick/cranky work mates) and ask myself this question. Instead of packing up and leaving my not-so-dream life behind, I remember why it’s all worth it.
I do have beautiful child.
I do have a favorite park, with wonderful dates.
I do have a wonderful husband who wants to take care of me.
I do have a husband who thinks I’m sexy (or so he says).
I am still a young girl with big dreams. Only now my dreams are different. My dreams include healthy children, a long marriage, college funds, and grandchildren.
mimi-zoe-nel 2010
I would have his beautiful babies.
I would dress them in the hottest new baby gear.
We would have play dates at our favorite park.
I would have a nanny.
I would work out daily.
I would have a beautiful house with a HUGE walk-in closet.
I would have a housekeeper.
I would always look sexy for my husband, my hair would be done, and my makeup would look great.
We would have weekly date nights.
We would go on extraordinary vacations.
We would go to fancy dinner parties and he would show me off to his friends, coworkers, prospective clients.
My boobs would forever be perfect, stable, and far above my belly button.
My ass would be tight and firm.
I would be a 'mother i like to f*ck"—yes, the “hot” mom all the kids would talk about. (Sick to even hope for that, I know.)
In 2001, when I met my husband, I was a young girl with big dreams. It is now 2010 and I have no clue where I went wrong. My husband decided he wanted to follow his dream.
He becomes a struggling employee of a call center.
I was so supportive; he felt so blessed.
He is now a product supervisor.
We have Zoe.
I have a nanny.
I don’t have a housekeeper.
The house is a mess.
Our place is the size of the dream-home’s walk-in closet.
My hair always looks like shit.
I wear cheap makeup.
My boobs make a bellybutton sandwich.
My ass is the opposite of firm.
I am the friend of the M.I.L.F.
WTF happened to me, and where did I go wrong?
I sometimes feel sorry for myself in the middle of a mini breakdown (usually after a long week full of sick/cranky work mates) and ask myself this question. Instead of packing up and leaving my not-so-dream life behind, I remember why it’s all worth it.
I do have beautiful child.
I do have a favorite park, with wonderful dates.
I do have a wonderful husband who wants to take care of me.
I do have a husband who thinks I’m sexy (or so he says).
I am still a young girl with big dreams. Only now my dreams are different. My dreams include healthy children, a long marriage, college funds, and grandchildren.
mimi-zoe-nel 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
love taught me..
Shakespeare once wrote, “To thine own self be true” and for once, I actually think I am starting to completely understand that quote.
This year has been a full of misery, disappointment, pain, and heartache but in these ruins blossoms hope and promise. Had the heartache of the past year not happened, I wouldn’t have started to spend time finding myself and though I am still at the beginning of this life long search it’s nice to finally see me again. It’s been a long time since I’ve been true to myself and wow is it ever difficult.
I am going through a painful phase with someone I love very much. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love him. For a long time he was my reason for being, my world, my everything. I truly hated myself when I met him and I believed that because he was so amazing that he could in turn make me into something seeing as I saw myself as nothing.
I loved him, everything about him, and I wanted to make him happy all the time. I truly believed in the love that TV and movies presents to us. Something eternal and beautiful, you know like the end of a romantic comedy. Little did I know that this charming young man would sweep me so far off my feet that I would lose myself in him and become what he needed in order for him to be happy.
He seemed to be my knight in shining armor, the one to take care of me forever and I bought it. I didn’t know the knightly presence came with a price and well I should have been a bit more aware, but I was hopelessly and dangerously in love.
I became everything he wanted and needed and I stopped thinking about what I wanted and needed because it didn’t matter, I had him. I wasn’t alone; I wasn’t a horrible person because he loved me.
Loving him was so easy; it filled the void in my soul and even though that little voice in my gut kept trying to speak out, I would soothe it with thoughts of the perfect life. This worked for years; I deluded myself into thinking that I was happy and that my life was perfect.
Then the cloud started to shift and I started to see clearer who he really was and what life I was really living.
He would knock me down emotionally when I started to have an opinion about anything and convince me that my thoughts and feelings were invalid and his way was the right one. He would make me feel like a second-class citizen in my own home and it was my duty to ensure he was happy. It was a constant stress to keep him happy, walking on eggshells and putting on the happy face all the time.
Being judged and criticized constantly started to wear on me and the love cloud thinned even more. I would wake up in the middle of the night crying uncontrollably because I was so unhappy and yet I had this life that society deems successful and well perfect from the outside. I would ask myself repeatedly why I couldn’t be happy. If I could just ignore all the criticisms and the constant air of disappointment my presence caused, I could find happiness again. I was convinced if I just could be the person he needed me to be then it would all go back to being good. I just had to work harder at it, make more time for him, and really pay attention to his needs.
I started searching for that cloud everywhere so I could hide within it and forget the pain.
The funny thing about pain is that unless you get to the root of it, it doesn’t go away. Sure, you can dull it, even remove it for a short period of time, but it always comes back and it’s usually worse. I left when I couldn’t take it anymore and for the past year, I’ve been doubting that decision almost every day. I feel like a quitter and a failure because I couldn’t find a way past the pain to make it work. He loved me—I knew that—and I figured if I loved him enough, we could make it work. I just had to love him enough.
Then I realized something just recently: it’s not about how much you love the person, its about how much you love and respect yourself that actually matters. You’re better at loving someone when you love yourself completely because then you know what it means to love.
Thoughts of leaving him was the most difficult thing for me to do, but it was because I started to love myself and realized I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. If he truly loved me, he would see the real me and cherish that person.
In all relationships, there are two sides to every story and by no means am I absolved of anything I’ve done to get us here either. I will forever be sorry that I couldn’t love him the way he needed because I didn’t love myself enough to do that. My heart is broken because I hurt him so deeply.
Everyone says time heals all wounds and though that may be true, the heart never totally heals, you bear those scars forever. Once you’ve opened yourself up to someone so much and been hurt you are forever changed, you can never look upon yourself in the same way again and you don’t see love in the soft light you once did.
I hope to be able to find myself and love who I am completely because in that act I’ll finally know what it really means to love someone with your whole heart and soul.
This year has been a full of misery, disappointment, pain, and heartache but in these ruins blossoms hope and promise. Had the heartache of the past year not happened, I wouldn’t have started to spend time finding myself and though I am still at the beginning of this life long search it’s nice to finally see me again. It’s been a long time since I’ve been true to myself and wow is it ever difficult.
I am going through a painful phase with someone I love very much. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love him. For a long time he was my reason for being, my world, my everything. I truly hated myself when I met him and I believed that because he was so amazing that he could in turn make me into something seeing as I saw myself as nothing.
I loved him, everything about him, and I wanted to make him happy all the time. I truly believed in the love that TV and movies presents to us. Something eternal and beautiful, you know like the end of a romantic comedy. Little did I know that this charming young man would sweep me so far off my feet that I would lose myself in him and become what he needed in order for him to be happy.
He seemed to be my knight in shining armor, the one to take care of me forever and I bought it. I didn’t know the knightly presence came with a price and well I should have been a bit more aware, but I was hopelessly and dangerously in love.
I became everything he wanted and needed and I stopped thinking about what I wanted and needed because it didn’t matter, I had him. I wasn’t alone; I wasn’t a horrible person because he loved me.
Loving him was so easy; it filled the void in my soul and even though that little voice in my gut kept trying to speak out, I would soothe it with thoughts of the perfect life. This worked for years; I deluded myself into thinking that I was happy and that my life was perfect.
Then the cloud started to shift and I started to see clearer who he really was and what life I was really living.
He would knock me down emotionally when I started to have an opinion about anything and convince me that my thoughts and feelings were invalid and his way was the right one. He would make me feel like a second-class citizen in my own home and it was my duty to ensure he was happy. It was a constant stress to keep him happy, walking on eggshells and putting on the happy face all the time.
Being judged and criticized constantly started to wear on me and the love cloud thinned even more. I would wake up in the middle of the night crying uncontrollably because I was so unhappy and yet I had this life that society deems successful and well perfect from the outside. I would ask myself repeatedly why I couldn’t be happy. If I could just ignore all the criticisms and the constant air of disappointment my presence caused, I could find happiness again. I was convinced if I just could be the person he needed me to be then it would all go back to being good. I just had to work harder at it, make more time for him, and really pay attention to his needs.
I started searching for that cloud everywhere so I could hide within it and forget the pain.
The funny thing about pain is that unless you get to the root of it, it doesn’t go away. Sure, you can dull it, even remove it for a short period of time, but it always comes back and it’s usually worse. I left when I couldn’t take it anymore and for the past year, I’ve been doubting that decision almost every day. I feel like a quitter and a failure because I couldn’t find a way past the pain to make it work. He loved me—I knew that—and I figured if I loved him enough, we could make it work. I just had to love him enough.
Then I realized something just recently: it’s not about how much you love the person, its about how much you love and respect yourself that actually matters. You’re better at loving someone when you love yourself completely because then you know what it means to love.
Thoughts of leaving him was the most difficult thing for me to do, but it was because I started to love myself and realized I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. If he truly loved me, he would see the real me and cherish that person.
In all relationships, there are two sides to every story and by no means am I absolved of anything I’ve done to get us here either. I will forever be sorry that I couldn’t love him the way he needed because I didn’t love myself enough to do that. My heart is broken because I hurt him so deeply.
Everyone says time heals all wounds and though that may be true, the heart never totally heals, you bear those scars forever. Once you’ve opened yourself up to someone so much and been hurt you are forever changed, you can never look upon yourself in the same way again and you don’t see love in the soft light you once did.
I hope to be able to find myself and love who I am completely because in that act I’ll finally know what it really means to love someone with your whole heart and soul.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
you will never see me cry
Funny thing about crying: you could always pull it off by saying that you just sneezed, or you just woke up (or perhaps yawned) and most people will never guess that you are actually tearing up. But for me ... what gives me away is my red, runny nose!
Today, my self-esteem dived about 2 million miles down (happens when you’re hurt by a person you care about ... you get it). I wish I could dig a hole all the way to the North Pole and bury myself in it because of ... shame. Tears would be the natural reaction but I tried all my willpower to NOT make them fall. But ... it was inevitable. However, I would still not show my tears because I still think it’s a sign of weakness and stupidity (an impulsive thought I hope never to think again).
I tried everything to cheer me up ... reading, occupying myself with a report i have to finish, even shopping ... but still nothing! (It was THAT serious). Usually I shop and buy stuff impulsively when I’m down but this time, it just wasn’t doing anything to me. I even thought of cutting my hair but reason started to kick in and that would have been the most impulsive thing I could have ever done. (I’ll be the loser here ..) Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer and I went home and cried. It was a very good cry ...
The heart may be broken but it beats nonetheless. And I believe that.
Today, my self-esteem dived about 2 million miles down (happens when you’re hurt by a person you care about ... you get it). I wish I could dig a hole all the way to the North Pole and bury myself in it because of ... shame. Tears would be the natural reaction but I tried all my willpower to NOT make them fall. But ... it was inevitable. However, I would still not show my tears because I still think it’s a sign of weakness and stupidity (an impulsive thought I hope never to think again).
I tried everything to cheer me up ... reading, occupying myself with a report i have to finish, even shopping ... but still nothing! (It was THAT serious). Usually I shop and buy stuff impulsively when I’m down but this time, it just wasn’t doing anything to me. I even thought of cutting my hair but reason started to kick in and that would have been the most impulsive thing I could have ever done. (I’ll be the loser here ..) Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer and I went home and cried. It was a very good cry ...
The heart may be broken but it beats nonetheless. And I believe that.
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