Women are more complicated than that... :)

Male/female arguments will sometimes be worked out quickly and rationally due to give and take. But often times, the argument will stop dead in its tracks and she’ll walk away in silence. This is when a man knows (or should know) that all hell is about to break loose. One of two things can happen from here: he can go after her and try to diffuse the argument (this I strongly suggest) OR he can be stubborn, let it fester, and allow his accounts payable to double with each stomp through the house, eye roll, tear shed, and huff and puff she utters. Any of this sounding familiar?

I’ve read, and heard, many thoughts by men on exactly why women give them the silent treatment during a fight. Most of them are wrong. From my understanding, men think that women are just being juvenile, throwing a “tantrum” to get their way, and simply need to get over it. This couldn’t be further from the truth. This hypothesis should be scrapped and more thought applied. Women are much more complicated than that.

Let’s examine a man’s perspective. A fight has erupted. You have your opinion, she has hers. The two are on tracks on the opposite sides of town and have no chance of meeting. You argue relentlessly for a short while. Then you realize you’re talking to yourself. She has disappeared before your very eyes. She’s now busying herself—probably cleaning something—with a look of disgust on her face, possible tears blurring her eyes, but not a word escaping her lips. Your thoughts are likely somewhere along the lines of “What just happened?” “Why did she leave?” “I wonder how long this will drag out.” You try to speak to her and ask her what’s wrong (never ask this!). She refuses to answer, just stomps around staying busy—ignoring you. Or she may answer “Nothing.” Nothing is ALWAYS something.

After a few minutes of trying to figure out what happened, you decide (being competitive by nature) that you are perfectly able to reciprocate. “You don’t want to speak to me. FINE, I can play that game too.” So, now the dead silence begins. Hours, sometimes days, go by-neither side is giving. The silence is having no effect on you any longer. It’s just a waiting game ... she can’t hold it in much longer ... she’s bound to come around soon. Right?

Now, let’s look at it from the woman’s perspective. Same fight has just erupted, two completely different viewpoints, no way of meeting. She tries desperately to get you to see her side, but soon realizes that it’s impossible, useless. Do you know why it’s useless? Because you don’t understand her. If you can’t understand her view, then maybe you don’t really “know” her as well as she thought you did (Admittedly, this is somewhat irrational, but still exists in her thought process). She’s beginning to feel emotionally disconnected from you. “How could he say that to me?” “Why won’t he listen to me?” “How could he not feel the same way I do about this issue.” “He won’t even try to see my side.” “Has he always been this ‘mean’?” That’s it. She’s left the conversation. She is now hurt, no longer just mad. Because she’s hurt, her anger is growing.

Becoming silent serves two purposes: (1) she can now think this through without your input (2) She’s giving you a chance to prove that you do, in fact, care that her feelings are hurt. Take this chance and run with it. If you don’t, she’s now thinking...”If he really cared, why would he ignore my pain?” If you come to her affectionately and try to somehow validate her feelings (you can validate without agreeing—this simply means telling her that you understand. “I can see how you would feel that way. I feel this way”), she will see that she was wrong. You will resume your place as hero in her heart. WARNING: the longer you wait to do this, the deeper your hole becomes. With every moment you remain stubborn and insist that she’s being childish, you’re confirming her worst fear. You DON’T care after all. This gives the disconnect a license to dominate. I hope you enjoy your hole.

Maybe if men and women understand where the other is coming from, the silent treatment would be drowned out by apologies, kisses, and make-up sex (by far the best part of the fight). When fighting, both of you want to be heard, understood, and validated. “I understand how you feel. Here’s how I feel. Maybe we can find a middle ground.” This will steer you down the desired road during a fight. “You’re wrong! Why don’t you listen to me? This is the way it IS.” This will dock you in silence harbor until further notice. Men are able to have an argument completely void of emotion; women, unfortunately, are not. Emotion is her ever-present companion. Women do not become silent to “punish” you—at least I hope not. Women become silent as a defense mechanism to deal with the pain of disconnect.

Note to women: The silence is more painful for you than it is for him. Men can compartmentalize the fight and put it away until you come around. Women, on the other hand, can’t and will continue to convince themselves what a jerk they married. This, of course, is not the case—just a reminder of nature’s colossal joke-men and women will come together, but speak completely different languages in order to complicate life. Marriage is about give and take. When fighting, men get stuck in “being right” mode and refusing to “let her have her way.”

While women would undoubtedly like to have their way (as is human nature), it’s her perception that he has disconnected from her that induces the silent treatment. So, next time a fight erupts in your marriage, listen, validate, and meet in the middle. Remember to ban the power struggle from your fight and focus on validation ... unless you prefer the icy silence.

i analyze things, i shouldn't be thinking in the first place! what's wrong with me?!!

Excited, I've spent a lot of time thinking about all of people who reads my posts: who you are, what you're like, what you like to do, whether or not the carpet matches the drapes. In fact, I daydreamed about you so much that, without intending to, I crafted a list of statistics about you:

1. As I wrote this, 75 of you were having sex. (High five! after you've washed your hands. And as if 75 will read this post anyway.. )
2. It's even possible that 2 of you were doing it with each other. (It could happen.)
3. 21% of you ride scooters for fun on the weekends. (Helmets, please.)
4. 16% of you are not wearing pants.
5. 4 of you still drink Tang.
6. Of the16% of you not wearing pants,
7. 2% of you are touching yourself inappropriately. (Stop it. You can wait until you've finished reading this post.)
8. 3% of that 2% you are going to want to tell me you really were touching yourself. (Don't.)
9. 100% of me wants to switch the topic.
10. 12% of you are eating some sort of whole grain cereal for dinner. (That's not enough for dinner. Eat a piece of fruit. Monkeys like bananas.)
11. 56% of you like hats.
12. 89% of you also write a blog.
13. One of you is a secret mime and spends too much time thinking about how to use keyboard symbols to make a box in the comments.
14. 3% of you are seriously into Heavy Metal. (\m/)
15. One of you has man hands and keeps Asian teens in your basement. (You know who you are.)
16. Three of you attend a monthly nerdie event.
17. 30 of you don't like me anymore.
18. 7 of you are using a keyboard missing its "S" key.
19. 63% of you dance it out in the dining room when you have the house to yourself.
20. 24 of you read romance novels but don't admit it.
21. Everybody likes saandwiches!

If these stats are accurate, it would surprise the crap outta me I don't think I have any reason to fret: you newbies are really nice, and the alumni are just as weird as you are.

Thanks for reading!!!