Are you currently living your life as a version of yourself that’s utterly satisfying?
Do you awake each morning thrilled to feel the breath enter and then escape from your functioning lungs, only to have another rush flood immediately in?
Do you look at the people, opportunities, experiences, memories, and emotions that create the metaphorical fabric of your life and pour out gratitude for each and every one?
Do you realize how lucky you already are—right here, right now—in this very moment?
Do you see the glass as half empty or half full? How does that viewpoint make you feel? Does it apply elsewhere in your life?
When was the last time you stopped to smell a beautiful flower?
Do you indulge in simple things that bring your much joy? (Hint: sometimes the best things make everyone else around you raise an eyebrow in question. That’s okay! Do it anyway! They’re probably just jealous of your sense of freedom.)
Which terrifies you more: failing or succeeding? (Be honest with yourself!)
What do you want?
I love, love, love the convolutedness of this question. It is so bloody simple, and yet it seems to be one of the most difficult for people to answer. Why is that? Don’t we all feel things bubbling in our bellies that indicate we’re more drawn to certain things, people, foods, colors, movie/music genres, etc. So, what’s the point in ignoring or denying that?
The questions could just keep pouring from my fingertips like the colorful scarf emerging from the magician’s sleeve—never-ending, colorful, captivating.
But tada … I feel that such potent material is sometimes best ingested in smaller doses. At least until a higher tolerance is built up.
Adjusting one’s mentality is not a quick turnaround process. But, it’s a ridiculously important one! So please … don’t deny yourself such an opportunity. Don’t downplay your abilities and capabilities. Don’t be too hard on yourself, or too soft. Don’t deny yourself from yourself!
Smile wide, and laugh often!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
We have a choice
We have a choice …
… whether we choose hate or love.
… whether we take someone else’s life or rehabilitate our own.
… whether we live inside the darkness or journey into the light.
We have a choice …
… whether we surrender to fear or commit to the knowledge that we are capable of more.
… whether we lend a hand or walk on by.
We have a choice …
… whether we harm or heal.
… whether we judge and criticize, or show compassion and caring.
… whether we hold onto the burning coals of anger, or we learn how to forgive and let things go.
Inside our moments, we are always making a choice. And inside those choices lies the power to architect our own story.
And no, choices aren’t always simple and easy. But they are ours to make. So we can continue on living our life justifying and rationalizing. We can continue on saying, Well, that’s just who I am. And change is really hard. But I think that’s bullshit. Because who you’ve been up until today doesn’t dictate who you’re always going to be.
And being who you’ve always been when it no longer serves you or the world is a cop out from really living your life.
Today I’m calling you on your bullshit. Why? Because I’m calling myself on mine too. Because I will no longer make excuses for why I can’t be my biggest self. I will no longer cling to old ways of thinking and being that sabotage my abilities to harness my power. I will see fear, anger, and darkness as opportunities for healing and enlightenment. I am choosing self-realization, examining the hard stuff, living inside generosity, and striving for mastery.
Because if we’re going to change ourselves and live our most purpose driven life, then we can best start by examining the hard truth about the choices we make.
And if nothing else inspires you to change, then live your life today for the people who didn't have the chance to change anymore, to peoplewho no longer gets to dream, to people who no longer get to be the person they wanted to be.
(This post is dedicated to all the little girls with big heart and big dreams)
… whether we choose hate or love.
… whether we take someone else’s life or rehabilitate our own.
… whether we live inside the darkness or journey into the light.
We have a choice …
… whether we surrender to fear or commit to the knowledge that we are capable of more.
… whether we lend a hand or walk on by.
We have a choice …
… whether we harm or heal.
… whether we judge and criticize, or show compassion and caring.
… whether we hold onto the burning coals of anger, or we learn how to forgive and let things go.
Inside our moments, we are always making a choice. And inside those choices lies the power to architect our own story.
And no, choices aren’t always simple and easy. But they are ours to make. So we can continue on living our life justifying and rationalizing. We can continue on saying, Well, that’s just who I am. And change is really hard. But I think that’s bullshit. Because who you’ve been up until today doesn’t dictate who you’re always going to be.
And being who you’ve always been when it no longer serves you or the world is a cop out from really living your life.
Today I’m calling you on your bullshit. Why? Because I’m calling myself on mine too. Because I will no longer make excuses for why I can’t be my biggest self. I will no longer cling to old ways of thinking and being that sabotage my abilities to harness my power. I will see fear, anger, and darkness as opportunities for healing and enlightenment. I am choosing self-realization, examining the hard stuff, living inside generosity, and striving for mastery.
Because if we’re going to change ourselves and live our most purpose driven life, then we can best start by examining the hard truth about the choices we make.
And if nothing else inspires you to change, then live your life today for the people who didn't have the chance to change anymore, to peoplewho no longer gets to dream, to people who no longer get to be the person they wanted to be.
(This post is dedicated to all the little girls with big heart and big dreams)
Sunday, January 16, 2011
I wonder what and when is enough
This is a story about my generation—or maybe just me and some of my friends. We are always searching for more. When we were in high school, we wanted to have more friends, to be cooler, to be cuter, to be more handsome, to be more popular—you name it, and we wanted more of it. When Facebook was first introduced, we wanted more friends and included everyone we came across in real life without discrimination. When we first entered college, we wanted more prestigious awards, more fun, more experiences, and more college experience. We want more from our friends, more contacts, more networking, and more opportunities. In our relationships, we wanted to meet more people and enjoy more. When we first graduated, we wanted more from our jobs, more from our life, and more than we were getting. Wherever we were, in whichever part of our life or the world, we wanted more.
In a constant struggle with myself, I wonder what and when is enough. What standards do we have for contentment? Do we even know what contentment is, or has it become an estranged relative who we vaguely remember? Is society to blame for its trends in excess? Who do we blame for the mass of extra large T-shirts, extra large french fries and Diet Cokes, the wait for some extra money on lotto tickets so we can have some extra cash for luxuries and brand names? Where can we draw the line for contentment? When one reaches their death bed? It has always bothered me—this struggle for the riches, and the desire for more. Not because I was immune to it and looked down upon others, but because I have to constantly battle it out, and because I see many of us are struggling with it.
Contentment is a choice, not a settlement with life. It is an active decision, and not always an easy one. Before making that decision, we need to define the word “need” and what our needs are? I can’t define them for you. I can only do so for myself, and I’ve found that the morning cigarette was not really a need.
Oftentimes, we forget the difference between needing something and wanting something, which results in an increase in the number of items that we think we need. Let’s take the Internet for example: We need the Internet to be accessible twenty-four hours a day, preferably in the palm of our hands. It is convenient to have that, yes, but it is hardly a need (unless you work is time sensitive). Most likely you don’t need this much access, and if you do get it, then (like me) you waste it on hours of Google searches, Facebook updates, and slowly falling into an abyss of a fantasy Internet world where everything is instant and accessible.
Some of us (again, like me) are aware of what we are doing, yet we do not change. We do not recalculate our needs or analyze our wants, which seems irrational. Any rational being would make the logical decision to cut down on investing in something that is hardly a need and is not valuable.
Trustst me, after years, used name brands are no longer valuable, and neither are the hours invested surfing on the Internet. If quality is our aim, then we would consume rationally and we would socialize rationally, as no one would doubt the benefits of physical socializing over virtual socializing. Also, we would invest rationally in items that would generate profit or help develop society, communities, and our future. The desire to want more right now and to want more without limits is sadly enough depriving us from having much in our future. Want proof? Why don’t you just google it? (Yes, that’s an acceptable verb). Despite knowing how to increase the quality of our lives and the benefits of work-life balance, we work endless hours to make more money to get more. The fact that we all know this and still we manage to keep these lifestyles indicate not only irrationality, but also an addiction and a void within our own personal structures that we are constantly trying to fill. So, when is it really enough? I don’t know. If I did, I wouldn’t be writing this article.
In a constant struggle with myself, I wonder what and when is enough. What standards do we have for contentment? Do we even know what contentment is, or has it become an estranged relative who we vaguely remember? Is society to blame for its trends in excess? Who do we blame for the mass of extra large T-shirts, extra large french fries and Diet Cokes, the wait for some extra money on lotto tickets so we can have some extra cash for luxuries and brand names? Where can we draw the line for contentment? When one reaches their death bed? It has always bothered me—this struggle for the riches, and the desire for more. Not because I was immune to it and looked down upon others, but because I have to constantly battle it out, and because I see many of us are struggling with it.
Contentment is a choice, not a settlement with life. It is an active decision, and not always an easy one. Before making that decision, we need to define the word “need” and what our needs are? I can’t define them for you. I can only do so for myself, and I’ve found that the morning cigarette was not really a need.
Oftentimes, we forget the difference between needing something and wanting something, which results in an increase in the number of items that we think we need. Let’s take the Internet for example: We need the Internet to be accessible twenty-four hours a day, preferably in the palm of our hands. It is convenient to have that, yes, but it is hardly a need (unless you work is time sensitive). Most likely you don’t need this much access, and if you do get it, then (like me) you waste it on hours of Google searches, Facebook updates, and slowly falling into an abyss of a fantasy Internet world where everything is instant and accessible.
Some of us (again, like me) are aware of what we are doing, yet we do not change. We do not recalculate our needs or analyze our wants, which seems irrational. Any rational being would make the logical decision to cut down on investing in something that is hardly a need and is not valuable.
Trustst me, after years, used name brands are no longer valuable, and neither are the hours invested surfing on the Internet. If quality is our aim, then we would consume rationally and we would socialize rationally, as no one would doubt the benefits of physical socializing over virtual socializing. Also, we would invest rationally in items that would generate profit or help develop society, communities, and our future. The desire to want more right now and to want more without limits is sadly enough depriving us from having much in our future. Want proof? Why don’t you just google it? (Yes, that’s an acceptable verb). Despite knowing how to increase the quality of our lives and the benefits of work-life balance, we work endless hours to make more money to get more. The fact that we all know this and still we manage to keep these lifestyles indicate not only irrationality, but also an addiction and a void within our own personal structures that we are constantly trying to fill. So, when is it really enough? I don’t know. If I did, I wouldn’t be writing this article.
Friday, November 12, 2010
a letter to an eighteen year old me
Dear Younger Self,
It’s hard to write a letter to you, because I think my twenty six year old version needs an Older Me to guide me and bathe me in her wisdom―assuming she has some. I’ll certainly give this advice thing my best shot, but as they say (who are “they,” anyway?), take it with a grain of salt.
1. When a man poops openly with the door open while you’re together on date number four, do not marry him. Do not even finish the date with him. At this point in your life, you think it’s very evolved of him to be uninhibited about his bodily functions, but let me tell you, Younger Me, it’s not evolved―it’s just plain weird.
2. Seeing Makati, Metro Manila, is not seeing the world. Who told you that you had to figure out your career at twenty-one? Oh, right … your parents. Love them, but they were wrong about that. Go places. Do things. Meet people. Make a career out of it if you can. Because otherwise, you’re going to be sitting at a desk all day with only fifteen days a year to satisfy your wanderlust. So go―maybe to Thailand first―and lick some lemon off one of those hot, traveling Aussies’ asses, then do a shot of tequila and jump off some crazy-high cliff into the clear blue water, just like Leo DiCaprio did in The Beach. It will make you smile one day when you’re sitting under fluorescent office lighting.
3. Keep practicing your French. And your French kissing. Or maybe learn a new language. One day, you might want to bug out to a different country, and you’ll be a lot more marketable if you can actually speak a language other than Southern high-school Taglish.
4. Doritos and French onion dip are the devil. Just like the one all those Southern Baptist preachers warned you about. I know, they taste so good when they hit your lips, but your body hurts after eating them. And one day, you’ll accidentally fart in an elevator in front of a complete stranger. You’ll be mortified and it will smell bad, Younger Me. No amount of junk-food pleasure is worth that embarrassment. On that note …
5. You’re not fat. Well, actually, sometimes you sort of are … so do something about it when you chunk up! Start exercising regularly now, instead of waiting ten more years; you’ll feel so much better about yourself and have so much more confidence. You could use a little. Which makes me feel really bad about saying this …
6. That layered haircut makes you look like a soccer mom, not a fresh eighteen year old who should be out meeting and making out with hot guys and letting them grope your breasts. Seriously, Younger Me. That’s a really bad look.
7. Channel Stuart Smalley. You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people really do like you. Stop worrying so much about what other people think, because they aren’t thinking about you nearly as much as you worry they are. Everyone has his or her own shit to deal with, so just be yourself and do your thing.
8. Tell the people who matter that they matter, and tell them all the time. You’re decent at this, Younger Me, but do it a little more. Because when the day comes when they’re not around anymore (and it’s coming), you’ll always replay the last conversation you had with them, so make sure it’s a good one.
9. Carpe diem. Like, really seize it. Grab that day by the balls and don’t let go. Just go for it, Younger Me! With a man, that is. You never go for it. Ever. What are you so afraid of? If you’re not careful, you’ll marry the inappropriate pooper and spend most of your days reeling from a separation. The Beatles weren’t wrong; all you need is love. Now go show off your awsomeness (but please tone it up first) in something tight and pleather.
Lots of love to you, hot stuff.
ME :)
It’s hard to write a letter to you, because I think my twenty six year old version needs an Older Me to guide me and bathe me in her wisdom―assuming she has some. I’ll certainly give this advice thing my best shot, but as they say (who are “they,” anyway?), take it with a grain of salt.
1. When a man poops openly with the door open while you’re together on date number four, do not marry him. Do not even finish the date with him. At this point in your life, you think it’s very evolved of him to be uninhibited about his bodily functions, but let me tell you, Younger Me, it’s not evolved―it’s just plain weird.
2. Seeing Makati, Metro Manila, is not seeing the world. Who told you that you had to figure out your career at twenty-one? Oh, right … your parents. Love them, but they were wrong about that. Go places. Do things. Meet people. Make a career out of it if you can. Because otherwise, you’re going to be sitting at a desk all day with only fifteen days a year to satisfy your wanderlust. So go―maybe to Thailand first―and lick some lemon off one of those hot, traveling Aussies’ asses, then do a shot of tequila and jump off some crazy-high cliff into the clear blue water, just like Leo DiCaprio did in The Beach. It will make you smile one day when you’re sitting under fluorescent office lighting.
3. Keep practicing your French. And your French kissing. Or maybe learn a new language. One day, you might want to bug out to a different country, and you’ll be a lot more marketable if you can actually speak a language other than Southern high-school Taglish.
4. Doritos and French onion dip are the devil. Just like the one all those Southern Baptist preachers warned you about. I know, they taste so good when they hit your lips, but your body hurts after eating them. And one day, you’ll accidentally fart in an elevator in front of a complete stranger. You’ll be mortified and it will smell bad, Younger Me. No amount of junk-food pleasure is worth that embarrassment. On that note …
5. You’re not fat. Well, actually, sometimes you sort of are … so do something about it when you chunk up! Start exercising regularly now, instead of waiting ten more years; you’ll feel so much better about yourself and have so much more confidence. You could use a little. Which makes me feel really bad about saying this …
6. That layered haircut makes you look like a soccer mom, not a fresh eighteen year old who should be out meeting and making out with hot guys and letting them grope your breasts. Seriously, Younger Me. That’s a really bad look.
7. Channel Stuart Smalley. You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people really do like you. Stop worrying so much about what other people think, because they aren’t thinking about you nearly as much as you worry they are. Everyone has his or her own shit to deal with, so just be yourself and do your thing.
8. Tell the people who matter that they matter, and tell them all the time. You’re decent at this, Younger Me, but do it a little more. Because when the day comes when they’re not around anymore (and it’s coming), you’ll always replay the last conversation you had with them, so make sure it’s a good one.
9. Carpe diem. Like, really seize it. Grab that day by the balls and don’t let go. Just go for it, Younger Me! With a man, that is. You never go for it. Ever. What are you so afraid of? If you’re not careful, you’ll marry the inappropriate pooper and spend most of your days reeling from a separation. The Beatles weren’t wrong; all you need is love. Now go show off your awsomeness (but please tone it up first) in something tight and pleather.
Lots of love to you, hot stuff.
ME :)
Monday, November 8, 2010
One Year Older (A Birthday Wish)
Wednesday is my 26th birthday, so I decided to interrupt work with some appreciation of my own. A lot has changed in the past year or so, for better and worse. Change has touched every aspect of my life, from family and friends, to where I live and work. It’s been a year of anger, sadness, fear and pain, but it’s also been a year of new beginnings, happiness and love. I’ve discovered that life isn’t fair. Bad things happen to good people. Sometimes a lot of bad things happen at once. There will be times when we feel like the whole world is against us, and things can’t possibly get any worse…and then they will. But, the thing is, there’s always someone, somewhere, who is worse off than we are, as hard as that may be to believe. Putting things in perspective is incredibly powerful.
All of this change has caused me to change as well. I’ve learned that we have two choices when it comes to facing life’s obstacles: let them defeat you, or take the opportunity to learn and grow. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, the most difficult experiences of the past year have taught me a lot about myself and made me appreciate all that I have.
For quite a while, I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go with the rest of this post. I probably re-wrote it half a dozen times, unsure of what message I wanted to get across. I was going to list all of the people and things that I appreciate, but I believe that appreciation is something that should be part of our everyday lives. It’s not just for special days like birthdays, and it shouldn’t take a tragic event to motivate us to take a step back and be grateful.
If you take nothing else away from the Appreciation Revolution, I hope you realize that life is a precious gift. It is beautiful and fulfilling, frustrating and exciting, but it is also unpredictable. So, make every moment count, and don’t take anything or anyone for granted. Stop making excuses. Say things like ‘thank you,’ ‘I love you,’ ‘I appreciate your hard work,’ and ‘You mean so much to me.’ It is my hope that The Appreciation Revolution will not end when the last post goes up, but will continue to live on through all of you.
When I close my eyes and prepare to blow out the candles on my birthday cake, I won’t just be making a wish. I’ll be taking a moment to appreciate my life, and all of the wonderful, beautiful, people and things that make it all worthwhile.
In case you were wondering…
I'm a sucker for sweets! :)
All of this change has caused me to change as well. I’ve learned that we have two choices when it comes to facing life’s obstacles: let them defeat you, or take the opportunity to learn and grow. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, the most difficult experiences of the past year have taught me a lot about myself and made me appreciate all that I have.
For quite a while, I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go with the rest of this post. I probably re-wrote it half a dozen times, unsure of what message I wanted to get across. I was going to list all of the people and things that I appreciate, but I believe that appreciation is something that should be part of our everyday lives. It’s not just for special days like birthdays, and it shouldn’t take a tragic event to motivate us to take a step back and be grateful.
If you take nothing else away from the Appreciation Revolution, I hope you realize that life is a precious gift. It is beautiful and fulfilling, frustrating and exciting, but it is also unpredictable. So, make every moment count, and don’t take anything or anyone for granted. Stop making excuses. Say things like ‘thank you,’ ‘I love you,’ ‘I appreciate your hard work,’ and ‘You mean so much to me.’ It is my hope that The Appreciation Revolution will not end when the last post goes up, but will continue to live on through all of you.
When I close my eyes and prepare to blow out the candles on my birthday cake, I won’t just be making a wish. I’ll be taking a moment to appreciate my life, and all of the wonderful, beautiful, people and things that make it all worthwhile.
In case you were wondering…
I'm a sucker for sweets! :)
Thursday, November 4, 2010
REPOST: CEO of J.P Morgan Fantastic reply to a Pretty Girl
MINDBLOWING THOUGHT PROCESS!!!
A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:
Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?
I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?
I wanted to ask:
what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York CityGarden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.
I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
Which age group should I target?
Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.
How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? My target now is to get married)
Ms. Pretty
Awesome reply:
Dear Ms. Pretty,
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours.
Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.
From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.
However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later. By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased".
Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.
Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me...
signed,
J.P. Morgan
A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:
Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?
I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?
I wanted to ask:
what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York CityGarden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.
I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
Which age group should I target?
Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.
How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? My target now is to get married)
Ms. Pretty
Awesome reply:
Dear Ms. Pretty,
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours.
Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.
From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.
However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later. By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased".
Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.
Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me...
signed,
J.P. Morgan
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Women are more complicated than that... :)
Male/female arguments will sometimes be worked out quickly and rationally due to give and take. But often times, the argument will stop dead in its tracks and she’ll walk away in silence. This is when a man knows (or should know) that all hell is about to break loose. One of two things can happen from here: he can go after her and try to diffuse the argument (this I strongly suggest) OR he can be stubborn, let it fester, and allow his accounts payable to double with each stomp through the house, eye roll, tear shed, and huff and puff she utters. Any of this sounding familiar?
I’ve read, and heard, many thoughts by men on exactly why women give them the silent treatment during a fight. Most of them are wrong. From my understanding, men think that women are just being juvenile, throwing a “tantrum” to get their way, and simply need to get over it. This couldn’t be further from the truth. This hypothesis should be scrapped and more thought applied. Women are much more complicated than that.
Let’s examine a man’s perspective. A fight has erupted. You have your opinion, she has hers. The two are on tracks on the opposite sides of town and have no chance of meeting. You argue relentlessly for a short while. Then you realize you’re talking to yourself. She has disappeared before your very eyes. She’s now busying herself—probably cleaning something—with a look of disgust on her face, possible tears blurring her eyes, but not a word escaping her lips. Your thoughts are likely somewhere along the lines of “What just happened?” “Why did she leave?” “I wonder how long this will drag out.” You try to speak to her and ask her what’s wrong (never ask this!). She refuses to answer, just stomps around staying busy—ignoring you. Or she may answer “Nothing.” Nothing is ALWAYS something.
After a few minutes of trying to figure out what happened, you decide (being competitive by nature) that you are perfectly able to reciprocate. “You don’t want to speak to me. FINE, I can play that game too.” So, now the dead silence begins. Hours, sometimes days, go by-neither side is giving. The silence is having no effect on you any longer. It’s just a waiting game ... she can’t hold it in much longer ... she’s bound to come around soon. Right?
Now, let’s look at it from the woman’s perspective. Same fight has just erupted, two completely different viewpoints, no way of meeting. She tries desperately to get you to see her side, but soon realizes that it’s impossible, useless. Do you know why it’s useless? Because you don’t understand her. If you can’t understand her view, then maybe you don’t really “know” her as well as she thought you did (Admittedly, this is somewhat irrational, but still exists in her thought process). She’s beginning to feel emotionally disconnected from you. “How could he say that to me?” “Why won’t he listen to me?” “How could he not feel the same way I do about this issue.” “He won’t even try to see my side.” “Has he always been this ‘mean’?” That’s it. She’s left the conversation. She is now hurt, no longer just mad. Because she’s hurt, her anger is growing.
Becoming silent serves two purposes: (1) she can now think this through without your input (2) She’s giving you a chance to prove that you do, in fact, care that her feelings are hurt. Take this chance and run with it. If you don’t, she’s now thinking...”If he really cared, why would he ignore my pain?” If you come to her affectionately and try to somehow validate her feelings (you can validate without agreeing—this simply means telling her that you understand. “I can see how you would feel that way. I feel this way”), she will see that she was wrong. You will resume your place as hero in her heart. WARNING: the longer you wait to do this, the deeper your hole becomes. With every moment you remain stubborn and insist that she’s being childish, you’re confirming her worst fear. You DON’T care after all. This gives the disconnect a license to dominate. I hope you enjoy your hole.
Maybe if men and women understand where the other is coming from, the silent treatment would be drowned out by apologies, kisses, and make-up sex (by far the best part of the fight). When fighting, both of you want to be heard, understood, and validated. “I understand how you feel. Here’s how I feel. Maybe we can find a middle ground.” This will steer you down the desired road during a fight. “You’re wrong! Why don’t you listen to me? This is the way it IS.” This will dock you in silence harbor until further notice. Men are able to have an argument completely void of emotion; women, unfortunately, are not. Emotion is her ever-present companion. Women do not become silent to “punish” you—at least I hope not. Women become silent as a defense mechanism to deal with the pain of disconnect.
Note to women: The silence is more painful for you than it is for him. Men can compartmentalize the fight and put it away until you come around. Women, on the other hand, can’t and will continue to convince themselves what a jerk they married. This, of course, is not the case—just a reminder of nature’s colossal joke-men and women will come together, but speak completely different languages in order to complicate life. Marriage is about give and take. When fighting, men get stuck in “being right” mode and refusing to “let her have her way.”
While women would undoubtedly like to have their way (as is human nature), it’s her perception that he has disconnected from her that induces the silent treatment. So, next time a fight erupts in your marriage, listen, validate, and meet in the middle. Remember to ban the power struggle from your fight and focus on validation ... unless you prefer the icy silence.
I’ve read, and heard, many thoughts by men on exactly why women give them the silent treatment during a fight. Most of them are wrong. From my understanding, men think that women are just being juvenile, throwing a “tantrum” to get their way, and simply need to get over it. This couldn’t be further from the truth. This hypothesis should be scrapped and more thought applied. Women are much more complicated than that.
Let’s examine a man’s perspective. A fight has erupted. You have your opinion, she has hers. The two are on tracks on the opposite sides of town and have no chance of meeting. You argue relentlessly for a short while. Then you realize you’re talking to yourself. She has disappeared before your very eyes. She’s now busying herself—probably cleaning something—with a look of disgust on her face, possible tears blurring her eyes, but not a word escaping her lips. Your thoughts are likely somewhere along the lines of “What just happened?” “Why did she leave?” “I wonder how long this will drag out.” You try to speak to her and ask her what’s wrong (never ask this!). She refuses to answer, just stomps around staying busy—ignoring you. Or she may answer “Nothing.” Nothing is ALWAYS something.
After a few minutes of trying to figure out what happened, you decide (being competitive by nature) that you are perfectly able to reciprocate. “You don’t want to speak to me. FINE, I can play that game too.” So, now the dead silence begins. Hours, sometimes days, go by-neither side is giving. The silence is having no effect on you any longer. It’s just a waiting game ... she can’t hold it in much longer ... she’s bound to come around soon. Right?
Now, let’s look at it from the woman’s perspective. Same fight has just erupted, two completely different viewpoints, no way of meeting. She tries desperately to get you to see her side, but soon realizes that it’s impossible, useless. Do you know why it’s useless? Because you don’t understand her. If you can’t understand her view, then maybe you don’t really “know” her as well as she thought you did (Admittedly, this is somewhat irrational, but still exists in her thought process). She’s beginning to feel emotionally disconnected from you. “How could he say that to me?” “Why won’t he listen to me?” “How could he not feel the same way I do about this issue.” “He won’t even try to see my side.” “Has he always been this ‘mean’?” That’s it. She’s left the conversation. She is now hurt, no longer just mad. Because she’s hurt, her anger is growing.
Becoming silent serves two purposes: (1) she can now think this through without your input (2) She’s giving you a chance to prove that you do, in fact, care that her feelings are hurt. Take this chance and run with it. If you don’t, she’s now thinking...”If he really cared, why would he ignore my pain?” If you come to her affectionately and try to somehow validate her feelings (you can validate without agreeing—this simply means telling her that you understand. “I can see how you would feel that way. I feel this way”), she will see that she was wrong. You will resume your place as hero in her heart. WARNING: the longer you wait to do this, the deeper your hole becomes. With every moment you remain stubborn and insist that she’s being childish, you’re confirming her worst fear. You DON’T care after all. This gives the disconnect a license to dominate. I hope you enjoy your hole.
Maybe if men and women understand where the other is coming from, the silent treatment would be drowned out by apologies, kisses, and make-up sex (by far the best part of the fight). When fighting, both of you want to be heard, understood, and validated. “I understand how you feel. Here’s how I feel. Maybe we can find a middle ground.” This will steer you down the desired road during a fight. “You’re wrong! Why don’t you listen to me? This is the way it IS.” This will dock you in silence harbor until further notice. Men are able to have an argument completely void of emotion; women, unfortunately, are not. Emotion is her ever-present companion. Women do not become silent to “punish” you—at least I hope not. Women become silent as a defense mechanism to deal with the pain of disconnect.
Note to women: The silence is more painful for you than it is for him. Men can compartmentalize the fight and put it away until you come around. Women, on the other hand, can’t and will continue to convince themselves what a jerk they married. This, of course, is not the case—just a reminder of nature’s colossal joke-men and women will come together, but speak completely different languages in order to complicate life. Marriage is about give and take. When fighting, men get stuck in “being right” mode and refusing to “let her have her way.”
While women would undoubtedly like to have their way (as is human nature), it’s her perception that he has disconnected from her that induces the silent treatment. So, next time a fight erupts in your marriage, listen, validate, and meet in the middle. Remember to ban the power struggle from your fight and focus on validation ... unless you prefer the icy silence.
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