Artworks

For a friend who shall remain unnamed

Your story.. I hope this captures your true feelings. Enjoy!

I knew he loved someone else, he told me, and it made me mad. He told me I was just jealous. I wasn’t, I was threatened. He didn’t belong to me, but he was mine. Another girl couldn’t have him, that would disrupt my order. He was mine to talk to, mine to laugh with, mine to tease, and vice versa. My possessiveness and constant questions started to wear on him, I could tell, but I didn’t care. He would never, could never, turn his back on me; we’d been friends for too long for him to just forget about me for some new fling.

He was my best friend, my rock. He got me. I loved him, but not like that. I’d tell myself that until I believed it. He started acting weird a few days after he told me, then I was really confused. He was hiding from me, it was so easy for me to tell, for I’d always been able to read him. I felt him pulling away from me, and I became so bitter. Why would he be acting like this? His new girl is taking up his mind, so he has no more room for me. Figures. I bet she is pretty. She probably has a nice laugh, and isn’t as loud as I am. Before he could forget about me, I decided to forget about him. He wouldn’t be able to hurt me that way.

I was so snarky and cold, I was the nastiest person you can imagine. I did anything, said anything to hide my true feelings. I regret the things I did. But at the time, I couldn’t see through my wall of pride. Horrible, green-tinged words flowed off my tongue like turpentine. I told him to his face that I didn’t want him, and left him standing there in the rain. He won’t even look at me. I deserve it, I guess. He doesn’t need me, because he has her. But I need him so badly it colors my every thought. I see him still, every single day. Whenever I see him, I wonder if he’s talking with her.

It’s odd what I’m feeling toward him now. I’ve never had this happen to me before. Even though my soul is dying inside, every time I see him laugh, I smile, because I know he is happy. He isn’t happy with me, and my heart is breaking because of it, but he is happy nonetheless. That is all I can hope for, since I can’t hope to have him. He will walk by me in the halls, and he’ll make eye contact for just the briefest second before going back to whatever he was doing.

I cherish those moments, just like I cherish every memory I have with him. From his dark brown eyes burning with concentration as he runs, to his hands moving around wildly as he would try to tell me a funny story and I would laugh out loud. I don’t deserve those memories because of the way I acted, but I selfishly hold onto them with all I have, just as I hold onto hope that one day, I’ll be able to side-step my pride. Until that day, I’ll be sated with stolen glances at his face and running over every memory in my head like a broken record. He’s not mine anymore, and one day I will accept that, but I will never stop regretting. I won’t regret him, I never could, but I regret everything I said to push him away. I regret every day I lied through my teeth. I regret my jealousy of a girl. Most importantly though, I regret being too blinded by my own hands to realize I was utterly and completely in love with him..

:(

Death Wish :)

This has been on my mind for weeks. No, there is nothing wrong with me. So the idea of mortality is on my mind. When you have to plan a funeral for a person, there is so much to do in a really short amount of time. So, I’d like to make it easy for my family and friends …

I would like to be cremated. I do not want, no matter how much money I have, to spend ten thousand dollars on a cushioned box. I want someone to go to a Forever 21 Dress for Less and go to the housewares area and find me something that could double as an urn that’s fun, yet subtle. Like don’t put my ashes in a pig cookie jar where the pig nose is a handle to the top of the jar. Have some taste.

Although I want to be cremated, I want to be buried! Period! I don’t want my daughter walking around the house having a laugh about something and then look up and there I am, in a pig cookie jar. So she'd stop laughing, like, “Oh, so, there’s dead Mom. Great.”

I want good music and I want it playing when people are walking in the place so they don’t sit there acting nervous and uncomfortable. Pink, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars, U2, Queen, Coldplay ... you know what I like. If you could wedge in Usher's “OMG” that would be great. Crank it up.

Now, during the service they do a thing called a tribute. That’s where someone walks up and talks about how blessed the world is that you were here. I have taken the time to write my own so no one has to say weird things about how I lit up the room and shit like that. So, typically a family member would read this.

My Tribute

So, if someone is reading this, well (long dramatic pause), I am no longer here. I’m not thrilled to be in this position, but it is what it is. Zoe, Skye, and Zach (Skye and Zach are not born yet when as I am writing this..), I love you. Know that you don’t have to be unhappy. Know that there is a whole happy way to live out there waiting for you. Go get it. Rodnel, you are the love of my life. Till death did us part. To my Myk and cousins, thank you for loving me and thank you for all the laughs.

For those people I’ve hurt. Well, sorry. For all the people that I don’t like and that don’t like me. Nothing’s changed. You were a douche bag while I was alive and you remain a douche bag in my death. I will take my complete disgust at the sight of you to my grave. And being that it’s obvious that I am getting to heaven first, because you are sitting there and I’m in this pig cookie jar, the first order of business is to go to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and throw your ass so hard under the bus your head will spin. Just know that every time you slip on some rock, there is someone in heaven laughing their ass off. By the time you get to heaven, the Lord will want no part of you and know what a bullshitter you are.

Also, don’t anyone go being all sad. I am in heaven; I win. The conditions of my life on Earth were so ridiculous that I earned my place in heaven. Heaven is a great place. They say it’s like Vegas. And I know some people in heaven, so don’t be sad. Well, I guess you could be sad for a little while just out of respect, but don’t overdo it.

I have had a life of laughter. I have had a great time. I have been lucky. And please come to my reception afterward. U2 will be playing. (I understand if you can’t pull that one off.) I love all of you guys. Well ... most of you. That’s been my time.

The end.

Now, it will probably be thirty-nine years before someone has to read that, but it’s done. I may tweak some things before then, but for now it would be good enough in a pinch, which death usually is. And I know this is hacky, but in my death, I won’t care about being hacky. I want my headstone to read: “I told you I wasn’t feeling well.”

I think that covers it. Again, it will be a long, long time before this plan will need to be put in to action, but someone needs to make sure this shit happens.

Until then, I will cry a little and laugh a lot ...

One week later …

If by chance, Rodnel (my husband), we have won the lottery or are swimming in money, there is one thing I never did in my life that I could actually implement at the departure party. I would like my ashes sitting on a half moon that will be dramatically lowered from the ceiling while the song “If I Could Turn Back Time” by Cher blasts through the grieving people. I want the half moon to be glittery, bedazzled, and a real show stopper. That way it would be so dramatic that people would say, “Oh my, it’s Mimi’s ashes sitting on the moon in that jar. This is the best funeral I have ever been to.”

Also, and not a big thing if you can’t make it happen, a few days ago I saw a seven- or eight-year-old little boy wearing a T-shirt. It had a photo of a man throwing a gang sign ... then of course the whole RIP and a date. I’d like that. Something people could just throw on and wear to the supermarket. That’s it for now. But I think I’ve really covered the main things. Love you and I think this whole thing is really gonna be a lot of fun! Way, way down the road!

Thanks!

Mimi

My Kind of Happiness

Sometime in 2006, I have an apartment the size of most people’s bathrooms. My income stream is not terribly large. I broke up with my boyfriend for six years then I haven’t had a relationship which lasted longer than one month. And people who have never met me feel obligated to write unfavorable things about my personality, appearance, and life choices. Haters! Hehehe

But I’m happy. Because I don’t think about things that way. I think about them like this:

Yes, I have an apartment the size of most people’s bathrooms—but it’s new and it’s clean and it’s safe and it’s comfortable and I’ve decorated it exactly the way I like it and it’s all mine.

Yes, my income stream is not terribly large—but it’s enough to live on, in one of the most expensive cities in the Philippines. And I made it myself; after one year of earning under poverty level wages, I feel very, very rich indeed. No, I don’t have a 401k, but I do have enough for food and shelter and a comfortable bed in which to experience insomnia. What more is there?

Yes, I broke it off with my boyfriend of six years and I haven’t had a relationship which lasted more than one month, but that’s exactly what I wanted/needed! I wanted to discover what it was like to date all sorts of men—yes, even jerks (check, check, check)—and live as an independent adult without a boyfriend. While I haven’t loved every moment (I’ve certainly cried my share of tears), I don’t regret for one second this period of being single and liked. I’ve had a series of incredibly rewarding, enriching experiences in my dating life, experiences which aren’t belittled by the length of time, some of which have turned out to be the most formative experiences in my adult life. I also believe there is no such thing as a “failed” relationship, that you learn something new from each person who comes into your life. I have a far greater understanding of who I am, and what traits I want in a partner, not to mention, an exponentially greater appreciation for the “good guys.” And yes, when the right Good Guy does come along (which has arrived already and I'm so happy), I’ll be ready for him (I knew I'll be ready), unlike the way I felt when I was twenty-two …

Back in 2006, I tried explaining to many people my reasons about leaving my amazing then boyfriend that “I need to make my own mistakes, to date Mr. Wrongs, to see what else life has to offer. A decade from now, I don’t want to wonder, “Can I really stand on my own two feet—without him?” I want to know I can.” In the next couple of weeks, after people called me immature and shortsighted, I said, “I am convinced that if I stayed with The Boyfriend, married him, and had children, that I’d feel a nagging uneasiness … Should I have experienced more of life independently before submerging myself in the cozy confines of coupledom? My relationship offered security, stability, predictability … but I’m still not convinced one should make life choices solely to avoid possible future unhappiness.”
When I finally wrote it and read those words, I’m floored. Everything I’ve learned in the time since then underscores their importance, and yet, when I think back, I was just operating on gut alone.

And finally, yes, people who have never met me feel obligated to say bad things about my personality, appearance, and life choices—but this, in its odd, painful way, has been one of the best lessons I could have ever learned: judge not, lest ye be judged. It has made me into a kinder, more considerate, far, far less judgmental person. And now 2011, I’m seeing something else happening. I’m developing a core of, not apathy, because I’m the antithesis of apathetic, but calm. Compassion. Peace. Maybe even Zen? For the first time in my life, I’m beginning to understand how to let go of other people’s opinions. After all, I know myself far, far better than anyone else—including my friends, my family, the guys I date, and the people I meet at parties, but especially angry haters. And I’m beginning—just beginning—to rein in this frantic need to prove myself, to impress people I don’t know and will never care about, to make everyone love me. I’ve never been under the illusion that I’m even close to perfect, but I believe in self-examination, I believe in the miracle of personal transformation, and I believe in myself.

And that, my friends, is why I am sitting here alone, in front of my office computer, thinking that life is pretty darn good right now.

what do you want less of?

On the face of it, it seems like an easy question to answer. Five less pesos, maybe, or one less zero in the credit card statement. But go just under the surface of this simple query, and the answer is likely to be one that involves finding more time for something. Maybe it’s more time with children, or more time to work on a project like getting things ready for the hotel pre opening, writing more articles, or learning how to paint. Or perhaps it’s more time to travel, or spend on friendship. In short, more time to do the things that we value, and let us express ourselves in a unique way.

The busy pace of our lives often means that reflecting on this question seems like a luxury in itself. After all, when we feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done anyway, how could we possibly want more of anything? But just as a car requires a periodic tune-up, our calendars need regular maintenance as well. The arrival of the summer season is a natural time to take a look at what we want more of, as the lengthening days start to whisper of spending time outside in the sunshine.

Turning the question around—what do you want less of?—is a good way to gain insight into what to clear out of your life in order to find room for what you do want. Take a quiet moment to think about your volunteer commitments, your friendships, and the appointments that fill your calendar. Think also about the household chores and all the other daily things that you are responsible for. Last, consider how much time you spend surfing the web or watching television. Remember that none of these activities are bad; this exercise is only about seeing how you might want to redistribute your time in order to spend it in a more fulfilling way.

What activities and chores could you gracefully delegate, or let go of? Are there any friendships or groups that you have outgrown? As in all things, trust your intuition. Begin to let go of what you no longer need. Imagine replacing those things with an image of doing something you love, or with someone you love.

Time spent on what we value is time that enriches our lives. Whether you want to spend more time with people you love or work on a project that has meaning for you, making time for those things ultimately means feeling happier at the end of the day. And that feeling is one we all would like more of.

An Affair With Myself! :)

We are raised with notions that “love” has something to do with how we express ourselves toward others. We think that when we love someone, we will compromise and make them feel better and will sacrifice ourselves and do anything for the object of our adoration. While this is true to a point, it is backwards. You can not love another until you fully embrace yourself.

The notion that you must cater to the needs of others in the name of love creates internal conflict and it is really the furthest thing from love. We are taught that we must strive to be good but that implies that we are inherently bad or that there is something we must achieve or do in order to be good and loved. We set ourselves up for lives of unhappiness and Self-sacrifice feeling that love comes from an external source and to attain it, we must cater to the perceived needs of others.

When we can embrace the totality of who we are, and embrace all of our moods and all of what we are, whether we like the characteristics or not, we then allow ourselves to be Self-loving. You can’t help whether you feel anger or love in any moment, and you can’t control other people and their perceptions. All you can do is surrender control and accept yourself and what you feel in any given moment, whether that feeling is of wanting to kiss someone or whether you want to kick them. You don’t have to act on it, you merely need to accept that you feel it and once you accept it, then you can change it if you desire. You can’t change something you are unwilling to see.

When you can accept your feelings in any given moment, you will eventually find that you are happy to be you and can remain steadfastly true to yourself by honoring your feelings. When you can be true to yourself and other people’s opinions hold no power over you, then you can truly love without condition. You find that your approval and acceptance is the only validation you need and little by little, your attachments to how other people respond to you melt away. You find that it makes no difference whether your love is reciprocated; you love because you feel love for yourself and nobody can take that away from you. You find that it feels wonderful to share yourself and your love with whoever will receive it, in whatever form it shows up; whether it is helping a stranger with groceries or being present with your kids or giving yourself over to your lover fully and completely.

When you release the need for external approval, you find your own validation and approval is the only one you need. You find that your love is expressed in everything you do and you free yourself to be completely and steadfastly true to yourself. You also find that in loving yourself, you can’t help but love every aspect of your life because you see and express your own Love of Self in everything you do.