I can't get enough of this song..

Tensionado
(Soapdish / Drizzle Version)

Tensionado
Nagulat din ako
Nong malaman na hindi lang pala ako
Yung nanghinayang
Nong nagaway tayo noon
At natuluyan sa iyakan at tampo

Chorus:
At sandali lang
Huwag ka munang magsalita
Di ko hahayaan lahat ito ay mawala
Ang iniisip ko kung pwede pa ba tayo

At miserable
Paulit-ulit lang ang nangyayari
Paikot-ikot tayo parang bote
At nasanay ka na ba doon
At nalimutan ang aking mga tanong

Chorus 2:
At hindi malinaw
Pwede bang wag kang sumigaw
Di ko hahayaan lahat ito ay maligaw
Nagtatanong sayo kung pwede pa ba tayo

Chorus 3:
At sandali lang
Huwag ka munang magsalita
Di ko hahayaan lahat ito ay mawala

Nagtatanong sayo kung pwede pa ba tayo

dreams

In summer of 2001, when I met my husband, I was a young girl with big dreams. I can sit here and say that my dreams included becoming a successful, powerful, and highly respected career woman. But I would be lying. I wanted to meet a successful, powerful, and highly respected man who wanted to take care of me.

I would have his beautiful babies.
I would dress them in the hottest new baby gear.
We would have play dates at our favorite park.
I would have a nanny.
I would work out daily.
I would have a beautiful house with a HUGE walk-in closet.
I would have a housekeeper.
I would always look sexy for my husband, my hair would be done, and my makeup would look great.
We would have weekly date nights.
We would go on extraordinary vacations.
We would go to fancy dinner parties and he would show me off to his friends, coworkers, prospective clients.
My boobs would forever be perfect, stable, and far above my belly button.
My ass would be tight and firm.
I would be a 'mother i like to f*ck"—yes, the “hot” mom all the kids would talk about. (Sick to even hope for that, I know.)

In 2001, when I met my husband, I was a young girl with big dreams. It is now 2010 and I have no clue where I went wrong. My husband decided he wanted to follow his dream.

He becomes a struggling employee of a call center.
I was so supportive; he felt so blessed.
He is now a product supervisor.
We have Zoe.
I have a nanny.
I don’t have a housekeeper.
The house is a mess.
Our place is the size of the dream-home’s walk-in closet.
My hair always looks like shit.
I wear cheap makeup.
My boobs make a bellybutton sandwich.
My ass is the opposite of firm.
I am the friend of the M.I.L.F.

WTF happened to me, and where did I go wrong?

I sometimes feel sorry for myself in the middle of a mini breakdown (usually after a long week full of sick/cranky work mates) and ask myself this question. Instead of packing up and leaving my not-so-dream life behind, I remember why it’s all worth it.

I do have beautiful child.
I do have a favorite park, with wonderful dates.
I do have a wonderful husband who wants to take care of me.
I do have a husband who thinks I’m sexy (or so he says).
I am still a young girl with big dreams. Only now my dreams are different. My dreams include healthy children, a long marriage, college funds, and grandchildren.

mimi-zoe-nel 2010

love taught me..

Shakespeare once wrote, “To thine own self be true” and for once, I actually think I am starting to completely understand that quote.

This year has been a full of misery, disappointment, pain, and heartache but in these ruins blossoms hope and promise. Had the heartache of the past year not happened, I wouldn’t have started to spend time finding myself and though I am still at the beginning of this life long search it’s nice to finally see me again. It’s been a long time since I’ve been true to myself and wow is it ever difficult.

I am going through a painful phase with someone I love very much. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love him. For a long time he was my reason for being, my world, my everything. I truly hated myself when I met him and I believed that because he was so amazing that he could in turn make me into something seeing as I saw myself as nothing.

I loved him, everything about him, and I wanted to make him happy all the time. I truly believed in the love that TV and movies presents to us. Something eternal and beautiful, you know like the end of a romantic comedy. Little did I know that this charming young man would sweep me so far off my feet that I would lose myself in him and become what he needed in order for him to be happy.

He seemed to be my knight in shining armor, the one to take care of me forever and I bought it. I didn’t know the knightly presence came with a price and well I should have been a bit more aware, but I was hopelessly and dangerously in love.

I became everything he wanted and needed and I stopped thinking about what I wanted and needed because it didn’t matter, I had him. I wasn’t alone; I wasn’t a horrible person because he loved me.

Loving him was so easy; it filled the void in my soul and even though that little voice in my gut kept trying to speak out, I would soothe it with thoughts of the perfect life. This worked for years; I deluded myself into thinking that I was happy and that my life was perfect.

Then the cloud started to shift and I started to see clearer who he really was and what life I was really living.

He would knock me down emotionally when I started to have an opinion about anything and convince me that my thoughts and feelings were invalid and his way was the right one. He would make me feel like a second-class citizen in my own home and it was my duty to ensure he was happy. It was a constant stress to keep him happy, walking on eggshells and putting on the happy face all the time.

Being judged and criticized constantly started to wear on me and the love cloud thinned even more. I would wake up in the middle of the night crying uncontrollably because I was so unhappy and yet I had this life that society deems successful and well perfect from the outside. I would ask myself repeatedly why I couldn’t be happy. If I could just ignore all the criticisms and the constant air of disappointment my presence caused, I could find happiness again. I was convinced if I just could be the person he needed me to be then it would all go back to being good. I just had to work harder at it, make more time for him, and really pay attention to his needs.

I started searching for that cloud everywhere so I could hide within it and forget the pain.

The funny thing about pain is that unless you get to the root of it, it doesn’t go away. Sure, you can dull it, even remove it for a short period of time, but it always comes back and it’s usually worse. I left when I couldn’t take it anymore and for the past year, I’ve been doubting that decision almost every day. I feel like a quitter and a failure because I couldn’t find a way past the pain to make it work. He loved me—I knew that—and I figured if I loved him enough, we could make it work. I just had to love him enough.

Then I realized something just recently: it’s not about how much you love the person, its about how much you love and respect yourself that actually matters. You’re better at loving someone when you love yourself completely because then you know what it means to love.

Thoughts of leaving him was the most difficult thing for me to do, but it was because I started to love myself and realized I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. If he truly loved me, he would see the real me and cherish that person.

In all relationships, there are two sides to every story and by no means am I absolved of anything I’ve done to get us here either. I will forever be sorry that I couldn’t love him the way he needed because I didn’t love myself enough to do that. My heart is broken because I hurt him so deeply.

Everyone says time heals all wounds and though that may be true, the heart never totally heals, you bear those scars forever. Once you’ve opened yourself up to someone so much and been hurt you are forever changed, you can never look upon yourself in the same way again and you don’t see love in the soft light you once did.

I hope to be able to find myself and love who I am completely because in that act I’ll finally know what it really means to love someone with your whole heart and soul.

you will never see me cry

Funny thing about crying: you could always pull it off by saying that you just sneezed, or you just woke up (or perhaps yawned) and most people will never guess that you are actually tearing up. But for me ... what gives me away is my red, runny nose!

Today, my self-esteem dived about 2 million miles down (happens when you’re hurt by a person you care about ... you get it). I wish I could dig a hole all the way to the North Pole and bury myself in it because of ... shame. Tears would be the natural reaction but I tried all my willpower to NOT make them fall. But ... it was inevitable. However, I would still not show my tears because I still think it’s a sign of weakness and stupidity (an impulsive thought I hope never to think again).

I tried everything to cheer me up ... reading, occupying myself with a report i have to finish, even shopping ... but still nothing! (It was THAT serious). Usually I shop and buy stuff impulsively when I’m down but this time, it just wasn’t doing anything to me. I even thought of cutting my hair but reason started to kick in and that would have been the most impulsive thing I could have ever done. (I’ll be the loser here ..) Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer and I went home and cried. It was a very good cry ...

The heart may be broken but it beats nonetheless. And I believe that.

Things that make life worth living

Have you ever had one of those moments? You know the really good ones where you are completely content and know that all is right with the world?

It was one day when you were holding your son or daughter and felt so full of love that you felt like you would burst;

Or it was hearing the perfect words come from the person who actually is perfect for you;

It was the contentment that can come from walking along the river holding hands and being together;

It could have been the day you felt you were bursting with pride to have that person with you so everyone would know they were yours – and you were theirs;

It was sitting on a log in the forest listening to the world around you;

It was sitting on the beach with a mai tai listening to the waves crash;
Or laughing so hard at the cutest thing that your child inadvertently said;

It was getting a second chance;

It was drifting off to sleep next to the one you adore and hearing “I love you” just as you start floating away, taking the knowledge of being loved into your dreams;

It was talking all night with an old friend;

Or finishing the last sentence of the best book you ever read and flipping immediately to the beginning and starting it all over again;

It was hearing someone you respect say they are proud of you;

Or singing in the shower;

Finishing your crossword puzzle all by yourself;

Or learning something new – just because you want to;

It was watching two of your favorite people connect;

Or it was waking up from a wonderful dream and realizing that you are lying next to the reason it was so wonderful;

The day you gave that big speech or presentation and received recognition from your boss and co-workers for a job well done;

It was a nap on the couch - in his arms, or with her in yours;

It was the day you got on the scale and realized you no longer had to worry about those stubborn last 12 pounds because they were gone;

It was buying your dream home;

Or having coffee in bed on a Saturday morning;

It was making someone you love breakfast in bed as a surprise;

It was the day you got your first real job;

Or bought your first car;

It was seeing him or her across the room and thinking, “this has potential;”

The day you found out you were having your first child – and they first day you held him;

Being able to buy your parents something they would never buy themselves but would greatly appreciate – and doing it just because you can;

Knowing you thrill him/her;

The moment they handed you the diploma;

Going away together for the very first time;

Or dancing with your little ones in the kitchen while you make dinner;

Hearing your child laugh uncontrollably;

Or being able to come up with the exact right thing to say in a situation and being able to say it exactly how you mean it;

Laughing till you cry;

Feeling like he thinks you are beautiful;

Sleeping in on a rainy Saturday;

Or a big bowl or tasty soup on a cold night;

Falling in love – and knowing this is the last time…

Maybe it was every one of these things. Or maybe for you it was something completely different. Regardless, you need to hold on to those moments. Make them count. Realize they are precious and keep them tucked away in your heart. These are the things life is made of. It is not where you live or how much is in your bank account. It is not what you drive or having the right outfit. It is the intangible things that make life worth living. And so far, that is the most important lesson I have learned.

tales of the broken hearted

Heal those wounds.. All those who have hurt might have felt this I'm sure.

*Let go when you’re hurting too much. Give up when love isn’t enough and move on when things are not like before. Surely there is someone out there who will love you even more.

*You’ll never find the right person, if you can’t let go of the wrong one.

*Never leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love.

*Because he has been a major part of your life, of course you’ll miss him; it’s perfectly normal. It’s like getting a tooth pulled out; after the dentist pulls it out you’re relieved. But how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was, probably a hundred times a day? Just because it was hurting you does not mean you don’t notice it. It leaves a gap, and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It’s going to take awhile, but it takes time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you pain. Pulling the tooth was the right decision, but it’s going to hurt.

*There’s one thing I have to say so I’ll be brave. You were what I wanted. I gave what I gave. I’m not sorry I met you. I’m not sorry it’s over. I’m not sorry there’s nothing to save.

*There were times when he caught me, but there were more times he let me fall and finally it came time for me to learn that I could pick myself up off the ground, and walk away ...

*Eventually one of two things will happen: He’ll realize you’re worth it or you’ll realize he isn’t.

*I guess it’s gonna have to hurt, I guess I’m gonna have to cry; and let go of some things I’ve loved, to get to the other side. I guess it’s gonna break me down, like falling when you try to fly; it’s sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life, starts with goodbye.

*So go on, make your little getaway. My pride will keep me company and you just gave yours all away. Now I’m gonna dress myself for two: once for me and once for someone new. I’m gonna do some things you wouldn’t let me do. Oh … I’m gonna find another you.

*When you’re dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part.

*She’s standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take.

*My heart didn’t break into a thousand pieces after he left. Instead, I realized all the things he didn’t do. He didn’t want to hear my stories. He didn’t ask me questions. He didn’t smile when I was talking to him. He didn’t hug me out of the blue to make me feel good. His hugs were always a preamble to something else and after he was gone, I wondered if he ever knew me at all …

*Just because a friendship or relationship ends does not mean that the other person is a bad person. Nor does it mean that the other person is crazy. Nor does it mean that the other person never cared about you or any of those things we often say. It simply means that it wasn’t meant to work out and though it is horrible and unfortunate and sometimes heartbreaking, it’s not the end of the world. Other friends will come along, other boyfriends and girlfriends will come along. Sometimes things just aren’t meant to be. And that has to be okay. It has to be okay because otherwise what do we have?


from the author:

We can never appreciate happiness unless we have experienced to be hurt. Consider all these past hurts blessings. It what makes us stronger.

heart's dilemma

It hits you when you least expect it. You think you’re all in control, but then it hits like a bad car accident. What do you do when your heart aches with unbreathable pain? Who can you talk to? Where do you go? How do you live on when half your body isn’t working properly? Too shamed to tell, too weak to lie. It’s a deep hollow pain that no one or nothing can help rid the pain. You feel like an abandoned baby left on somebody’s doorstep or worse, dumped in a trash bin. Betrayal, no matter if it’s intentional or unintentional, how do you recover? I’m not going to hold back on this subject because from life experience it teaches us to trust, your human nature wants you to trust but when that trust is breached it can be devastating. No matter how loyal or disloyal you are, it can happen to anyone because it comes a time in your life, you let your defenses down and you get relaxed or distracted and when you are not looking, BAM, it comes from out of nowhere and hits you on your blind side. You ask the Lord to help you take each breath. You accuse yourself of faults of your own and pick yourself apart like a hungry buzzard picking fresh dead meat, until you realize it’s the insecurity of the betrayer; it’s not you. The process of recovery is slow. And believe me you will recover, but only with time and rediscovery of self. We can be so naive when it comes to love.

Any and everybody, when that need of love comes, the gamble begins. You open your heart wider and wider to let love see your inner soul. The more you let love see, the more you want love to see. And you share the vision with someone who sees and understand how your love looks. This is a precious gift to let someone witness and you have to do it with the upmost care. Because if you give that love to someone that doesn’t recognize it the way you do, you can get hurt. First you got to know love of self before you can see love of others. And if a person has never seen love, how will one recognize something0 he/she never saw or had. Protect your heart and it will protect you.

Love Yourself..