I see it over and over. Great woman, smart, beautiful, successful, madly in love with Mr. Could Not Be More Wrong. What in the world is this all about?
A friend of mine is a creative genius, beautiful and charming. She lives with a man who is being unfaithful. Still, she stays because she “loves him.” At least in this instance, she is not supporting him financially.
Another friend is bright and beautiful and very successful. She lives with an alcoholic, who is chronically unemployed. He gets jobs but can’t keep them. She worries about the guy’s health, but he and she refuse to address his addictions. It’s the elephant in the room. He’s emotional and so sensitive. Uh huh. She assures me that she “loves him.”
I can’t help but wonder what is going on with these women. Do they have low self-esteem for some reason? Are they women who feel like they can “fix” a man? Are they just that afraid of being alone? The interesting part is that I doubt any two women’s reasoning is exactly alike. I think there are people who feel that they are powerful enough to change another person and it can oddly enough be an ego trip for them. Strange creatures, humans.
I cannot help but feel that you do not “love” someone who isn’t good to you. Being good to you includes pulling their own weight financially, as well as treating you in a way that makes you happy, not miserable.
I could have titled this article “When Good Men Love Bad Women” because the same things apply. I know a number of great guys who seem to fall for selfish, conniving, cheating, unstable women, usually over and over again.
:-(
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
SUPERFRIEND
It was last night with what used to be considered “The Ladies Man.” It had taken months to finally have this time talk again. Once your best guy friend FINALLY uses the phrase “my girlfriend” pertaining to a girl involved with him romantically, things do inevitably change. No longer can he just hang out with his female “chums” whenever he wants. It seems that “the girlfriend” just has a tiny problem with the girls he once collected. In my mind, we’ve always been as platonic as brother and sister. In her mind, she swears it’s more. Quite honestly, in his mind I do believe he wishes it had been (hahaha ang yabang ko!).
In the three years since we've met, SF and I have developed a truly special bond. We keep each other connected to what happening with us. We’ve been there in the “ups and downs” and the “thick and thins”.
He claims that loosing weight is what happens to those who practice after 6 diet and drinks a lot. It’s proven true for him.
I couldn’t help noticing the high hair line on his head that seem to broaden at an alarming rate. As vain as he once was, this still rock his comfortable world. Gone are the days of clubs, endless drinking sessions, and late nights with the boys. Will sure be replaced with dinner dates, movies for two and the other happy ever-afters. I'm sure there will be discussions of petty argument, kiss and make up scenarios, and DVD marathons, far outweigh any other topic and can readily consume entire evenings.
There is a sense of comfort between us. We laugh of days gone by as he shares all the ways he knows he’s getting older. He smiles his boyish grin as he explains that all the young beautiful girls have now become unattainable fantasies. They once shared his sweet stares especially if hes drunk., making all these girls always think they have something going on. O yes, my SF made so many girls cry. He will soon realize that he will still lust after them, they just don’t lust after him anymore.
I reminisce of all the crazy men that he saw me through— “my husband”, the “super in love” the “all flash and no cash” types. Yes, I did have an affinity for the “all-sort” types. It always amazes me to think back and know of the choices that I made. In case I forget, SF is always there to remind me. After all, what other reason could there have been for me to not have dated a cool, drummer, unique “Ladies man” like himself? Hmmmmm a lot!!!!
I remember watching him as he stuffs as much chopsuey into his mouth. He visits me drunk on time it made me uncomfortable until he notices and apologies for his rudeness. I just smile. This is a comfort that long time friendships bring and I wouldn’t replace it for anything. There' a moment of silence as he sighs deeply and that familiar look comes over his face. He says how much he misses me. I just miss the time together.
I asked about the girlfriend. “Ok naman”, he says. “Medyo selos yun kasi I call u SF”. Since I have known him, he has always had a strong desire to get into a relationship. When he met the girl, I was truly pleased. I could not wait to finally meet her.
He shares with me the perplexity of the female species and their ability to hold onto any wrong that was committed. He lets me know that “guys can just forget about that stuff. Within hours they don’t even remember what was said, nagpapalambing lang madalas.” Though he does let me know of the important topics men have. Topics like “sex … sex … and then sex again.” Those types of discussions carry strong significance and are always remembered. He also lets me know that men can just have sex even if they’re angry with their spouse. He wonders why women can’t. I don’t even try to shed light on that. Some things you just don’t resolve over a telephone conversation.
I can still remember the night that asked me to come over and cried on my shoulder as I tried to console him. His last affair had just broken the news that a girl is bearing his son (which later on he found out it was not his). I asked him, “why this time”? He said he got overwhelmed, that he likes kids, but not now, and other stuff like it is really not his. He's got so damn scared of the word PIKOT. I figured since the girl was the kind who just sleeps around, and nags at me for being the SF, she could probably find another father to claim it. Pretty sure she's got a list of names there. He did not listen to my reasoning though. It was as if part of him really liked the agony of the many trials these women put him through. He likes drama especially when he's drunk I must say.. “When are you going to find a woman who loves you for yourself?” I asked him. He gave no response. Needless to say, that relationship ended at that very moment.
I look at him now as if I were the proud parent of a child who finally turned his life around. He is now the boyfriend all the other past girls wished him to be. And I'm pretty sure that its not easy material, and I pray that she is the solid and loving woman that he needed all along. I sense a peace in him that can only come from having finally found the place in life where you belong. I guess we all have to pay our prices for a while until we finally learn our lessons. Eventually, life does bring us cherished rewards.
I look forward to giving each other a hug goodbye. This is to let him know how much I appreciated those times together. We decided to have our first last date. We agreed and I said I just have to work it out in my schedule before his girlfriend won't permit him to see any of me anymore. He said he wont let it happen and he'll still see his SF whenever its necessary, and she does not need to know. I asked why? In a familiar style he told me that she just wouldn’t understand and he’d rather not have to explain.I asked if he would rather be honest, instead of her hearing about it from someone else? He said “Bahala na!” A typical male response. I laughed as I ended the phone call with my SUPERFRIEND..
Upon having this all said. I’m left feeling somewhat melancholy as I finished this essay. Our distance felt like so far. No farther... Maybe because we just spoil each other so much that I thought he'll always be that SF I had before and nobody will ever replace me for looking after him. I was relieved at the same time because there's that somebody who will take care of him now, someone who will understand him the way he wants to be understood, who will accept him not just because she's crazy about him but because she loves the person he is. Some things a SuperFriend cannot give.
In the three years since we've met, SF and I have developed a truly special bond. We keep each other connected to what happening with us. We’ve been there in the “ups and downs” and the “thick and thins”.
He claims that loosing weight is what happens to those who practice after 6 diet and drinks a lot. It’s proven true for him.
I couldn’t help noticing the high hair line on his head that seem to broaden at an alarming rate. As vain as he once was, this still rock his comfortable world. Gone are the days of clubs, endless drinking sessions, and late nights with the boys. Will sure be replaced with dinner dates, movies for two and the other happy ever-afters. I'm sure there will be discussions of petty argument, kiss and make up scenarios, and DVD marathons, far outweigh any other topic and can readily consume entire evenings.
There is a sense of comfort between us. We laugh of days gone by as he shares all the ways he knows he’s getting older. He smiles his boyish grin as he explains that all the young beautiful girls have now become unattainable fantasies. They once shared his sweet stares especially if hes drunk., making all these girls always think they have something going on. O yes, my SF made so many girls cry. He will soon realize that he will still lust after them, they just don’t lust after him anymore.
I reminisce of all the crazy men that he saw me through— “my husband”, the “super in love” the “all flash and no cash” types. Yes, I did have an affinity for the “all-sort” types. It always amazes me to think back and know of the choices that I made. In case I forget, SF is always there to remind me. After all, what other reason could there have been for me to not have dated a cool, drummer, unique “Ladies man” like himself? Hmmmmm a lot!!!!
I remember watching him as he stuffs as much chopsuey into his mouth. He visits me drunk on time it made me uncomfortable until he notices and apologies for his rudeness. I just smile. This is a comfort that long time friendships bring and I wouldn’t replace it for anything. There' a moment of silence as he sighs deeply and that familiar look comes over his face. He says how much he misses me. I just miss the time together.
I asked about the girlfriend. “Ok naman”, he says. “Medyo selos yun kasi I call u SF”. Since I have known him, he has always had a strong desire to get into a relationship. When he met the girl, I was truly pleased. I could not wait to finally meet her.
He shares with me the perplexity of the female species and their ability to hold onto any wrong that was committed. He lets me know that “guys can just forget about that stuff. Within hours they don’t even remember what was said, nagpapalambing lang madalas.” Though he does let me know of the important topics men have. Topics like “sex … sex … and then sex again.” Those types of discussions carry strong significance and are always remembered. He also lets me know that men can just have sex even if they’re angry with their spouse. He wonders why women can’t. I don’t even try to shed light on that. Some things you just don’t resolve over a telephone conversation.
I can still remember the night that asked me to come over and cried on my shoulder as I tried to console him. His last affair had just broken the news that a girl is bearing his son (which later on he found out it was not his). I asked him, “why this time”? He said he got overwhelmed, that he likes kids, but not now, and other stuff like it is really not his. He's got so damn scared of the word PIKOT. I figured since the girl was the kind who just sleeps around, and nags at me for being the SF, she could probably find another father to claim it. Pretty sure she's got a list of names there. He did not listen to my reasoning though. It was as if part of him really liked the agony of the many trials these women put him through. He likes drama especially when he's drunk I must say.. “When are you going to find a woman who loves you for yourself?” I asked him. He gave no response. Needless to say, that relationship ended at that very moment.
I look at him now as if I were the proud parent of a child who finally turned his life around. He is now the boyfriend all the other past girls wished him to be. And I'm pretty sure that its not easy material, and I pray that she is the solid and loving woman that he needed all along. I sense a peace in him that can only come from having finally found the place in life where you belong. I guess we all have to pay our prices for a while until we finally learn our lessons. Eventually, life does bring us cherished rewards.
I look forward to giving each other a hug goodbye. This is to let him know how much I appreciated those times together. We decided to have our first last date. We agreed and I said I just have to work it out in my schedule before his girlfriend won't permit him to see any of me anymore. He said he wont let it happen and he'll still see his SF whenever its necessary, and she does not need to know. I asked why? In a familiar style he told me that she just wouldn’t understand and he’d rather not have to explain.I asked if he would rather be honest, instead of her hearing about it from someone else? He said “Bahala na!” A typical male response. I laughed as I ended the phone call with my SUPERFRIEND..
Upon having this all said. I’m left feeling somewhat melancholy as I finished this essay. Our distance felt like so far. No farther... Maybe because we just spoil each other so much that I thought he'll always be that SF I had before and nobody will ever replace me for looking after him. I was relieved at the same time because there's that somebody who will take care of him now, someone who will understand him the way he wants to be understood, who will accept him not just because she's crazy about him but because she loves the person he is. Some things a SuperFriend cannot give.
when a door closed... (blah blah blah)
“When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.”
We hear this quote, or one quite similar to it all the time, whenever something bad happens in our lives. The breakup of a relationship, the loss of a job, whenever those things happen, someone will invariably pull out this phrase, nodding wisely as if they are imparting the most important piece of wisdom in the universe. We hear the phrase often, but do we ever really listen to it, think about what it means, follow its words?
It was last year, I was turned down on something I would really love to have. Like as if this job will make my life better... At the time, it seemed like the end of my world. I moped around, did nothing but lament telling myself that I was never really good enough, and generally make everyone around me miserable. Of course, someone pulled out the old “when one door closes ...” phrase, and of course, I merely rolled my eyes like I had every other time I’d heard it. But later on, when I was alone, I heard those same words again, and I thought about them. I decided that instead of continuing to look at the closed doors, I’d look at the world through different eyes. I decided to look for those doors around that might be opening, to keep an open mind and explore whatever opportunities that presented themselves. I decided that what the hell—I had nothing to lose, right?
So that’s what I did. I continued working, I did things beyond my duty, I talked to people. I got on with my life. And you know what? Eventually, other doors did open, and had I not kept an open mind, they would have passed me by unnoticed. But instead, I saw each open door for what it was, took a deep breath, and walked on through. And I cannot say that for one second that I’ve regretted that decision.
For those of you going through something that it seems you cannot get through, let me share what I’ve finally learned at twenty-five ...
Whatever it is you’re stuck on, let it go. Look to your future. We will always see the past as better than it was, the present as worse than it is, and the future as more unclear than it truly will be. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
Be open to new opportunities, new friendships, new loves. Trust in the fact that everything happens for a reason. It’s a cliché, it’s trite and overused, but generally it’s true. You never know what lies around the next corner - it could be the love of your life, the job of your dreams, or anything in between. Don’t close your heart or mind to that possibility.
Be happy.
The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Be happy NOW. Don’t wait for something outside of yourself to make you happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend, whether its with friends or with your family.
Be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do. Dream what you want to dream. Go where you want to go. Life is too short to spend it hoping to change the unchangeable, and wanting what you cannot have.
Don’t waste your life looking at that closed door and hoping that it will magically reopen. Ninety-nine percent of the time, it won’t. Instead, look for those doors that are opening around you all the time. Find that open door meant for you, and go through it. You never know what awaits you on the other side.
We hear this quote, or one quite similar to it all the time, whenever something bad happens in our lives. The breakup of a relationship, the loss of a job, whenever those things happen, someone will invariably pull out this phrase, nodding wisely as if they are imparting the most important piece of wisdom in the universe. We hear the phrase often, but do we ever really listen to it, think about what it means, follow its words?
It was last year, I was turned down on something I would really love to have. Like as if this job will make my life better... At the time, it seemed like the end of my world. I moped around, did nothing but lament telling myself that I was never really good enough, and generally make everyone around me miserable. Of course, someone pulled out the old “when one door closes ...” phrase, and of course, I merely rolled my eyes like I had every other time I’d heard it. But later on, when I was alone, I heard those same words again, and I thought about them. I decided that instead of continuing to look at the closed doors, I’d look at the world through different eyes. I decided to look for those doors around that might be opening, to keep an open mind and explore whatever opportunities that presented themselves. I decided that what the hell—I had nothing to lose, right?
So that’s what I did. I continued working, I did things beyond my duty, I talked to people. I got on with my life. And you know what? Eventually, other doors did open, and had I not kept an open mind, they would have passed me by unnoticed. But instead, I saw each open door for what it was, took a deep breath, and walked on through. And I cannot say that for one second that I’ve regretted that decision.
For those of you going through something that it seems you cannot get through, let me share what I’ve finally learned at twenty-five ...
Whatever it is you’re stuck on, let it go. Look to your future. We will always see the past as better than it was, the present as worse than it is, and the future as more unclear than it truly will be. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
Be open to new opportunities, new friendships, new loves. Trust in the fact that everything happens for a reason. It’s a cliché, it’s trite and overused, but generally it’s true. You never know what lies around the next corner - it could be the love of your life, the job of your dreams, or anything in between. Don’t close your heart or mind to that possibility.
Be happy.
The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Be happy NOW. Don’t wait for something outside of yourself to make you happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend, whether its with friends or with your family.
Be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do. Dream what you want to dream. Go where you want to go. Life is too short to spend it hoping to change the unchangeable, and wanting what you cannot have.
Don’t waste your life looking at that closed door and hoping that it will magically reopen. Ninety-nine percent of the time, it won’t. Instead, look for those doors that are opening around you all the time. Find that open door meant for you, and go through it. You never know what awaits you on the other side.
Funny!!!
Funny how two people's insignificance is being played out big ...
Funny how the things two people try to avoid catch up with them ...
Funny how things long gone try to resurrect themselves ... and fail ...
Funny how fate seems to make fun of them, leaving these two people staring at an intersection ... face to face
... how they would have hugged but ended up shaking hands, and the crowd goes between them as it always does.
Funny how big the conflict gets when one shut himself up and try to agree with her
Funny how he'd realized that the person that came before her was no match for her
Funny how he learned to hate her a lot just because he learned to love her
Funny how he blamed her for things beyond his control
The crowd gets in between, and yet they struggle just to show each other ... they’re smiling.
Now ... funny how he'd made her smile by just standing before her
... how glad he is that she hold no grudge on him
... how glad he is that she remembered him and how he almost lost it when he thought she didn’t remember him
Funny how so many questions have their answers at one smile.
It was funny how he was looking for love when love was right on his face
Funny ... isn’t life funny ... for making them go through all that merry-go-round chase just to end up where they are now ... scared, tired ... and smiling.
Funny how he could read her, how she could read him ... but still end up unsure ...
Funny how, as he looked back, he'd come to realize ... he never felt as safe and just as thankful when he was with her.
Funny ... just funny how inspired he'd become now that she's gone
With this smile playing on his face because of her ...
Funny how some things can't just fall into place ...
he has to let her go...
His kindest friend, she don’t know ...
She's not a big mistake ... He know that now.
Funny how the things two people try to avoid catch up with them ...
Funny how things long gone try to resurrect themselves ... and fail ...
Funny how fate seems to make fun of them, leaving these two people staring at an intersection ... face to face
... how they would have hugged but ended up shaking hands, and the crowd goes between them as it always does.
Funny how big the conflict gets when one shut himself up and try to agree with her
Funny how he'd realized that the person that came before her was no match for her
Funny how he learned to hate her a lot just because he learned to love her
Funny how he blamed her for things beyond his control
The crowd gets in between, and yet they struggle just to show each other ... they’re smiling.
Now ... funny how he'd made her smile by just standing before her
... how glad he is that she hold no grudge on him
... how glad he is that she remembered him and how he almost lost it when he thought she didn’t remember him
Funny how so many questions have their answers at one smile.
It was funny how he was looking for love when love was right on his face
Funny ... isn’t life funny ... for making them go through all that merry-go-round chase just to end up where they are now ... scared, tired ... and smiling.
Funny how he could read her, how she could read him ... but still end up unsure ...
Funny how, as he looked back, he'd come to realize ... he never felt as safe and just as thankful when he was with her.
Funny ... just funny how inspired he'd become now that she's gone
With this smile playing on his face because of her ...
Funny how some things can't just fall into place ...
he has to let her go...
His kindest friend, she don’t know ...
She's not a big mistake ... He know that now.
Moving on..
How does one respond to what is, undoubtedly, just one of many breakup scenarios: “Hey, you’re a wonderful person … but I’m still in a singles mode … but I do love you …”
Well, first there is “Ouch!” I'm sure.
But before you slide down that slippery slope of misery, reach for “He / She is just not that into you” (the movie). It’s filled with the kind of common sense reminders anyone can benefit from and could get you to that ”Whoala!” moment quicker than my friend. Confidants are good and necessary, however. They are obliged, sincerely so, to act as a soothing balm serving up spoonfuls of wisdom like: “[blank] is an [expletive] … and so unworthy of you anyway, etc. etc.” along with other “feel better” thingys and all other abused phrases for feel-good purposes.
Yet, what is the message? How should you interpret it? And, more important, what do you do? Is it a teaser? A trick? No. It’s an open and honest confession of that person’s preferred social lifestyle. It says, “I like you. I enjoy being with you, but I still want to enjoy many pleasures, and if you are so inclined, you are welcome to continue to enjoy what we have … but!" Yes, and therein lies the rub. The bite is in the butt. It really depends on the dumpee.
For some, it is easy. We may choose to do so depending on the perceived love and strong desire for the love object, simply because we too want to share ourselves with the world. Alternatively, some decide this lifestyle is not enough and it will give honor, love and respect their own “Self’s” desire for exclusivity by seeking other more rewarding and reciprocal pleasures and passions. The desire is to graze where the grass is plentiful and much (much?) easier to digest. This too is good.
Relationships are like living cells, dividing and renewing, splitting off and coupling here or there—or, nowhere. Citing the analysis based from my friends' different love stories I think that people use all means today to “disaggregate, slice up, and repackage their emotional and physical needs, servicing each with a different partner, and hoping to come out ahead. Often they will be on the verge of spending the evening with one partner, when an opportunity arrives from another with a potentially better offer. To guard against not being chosen at all, and I quote, “sigurista tayo madalas, and everybody has a back-burner of their own, which they maintain with open-ended relationships.”
This occurred to a friend while still in a relationship with the nicest guy she ever met in her entire life somewhat chooses to swing on the other side of the river. When she thought she will be happier with the new guy she broke it off her boyfriend and enjoyed the company and got crazy. Thing turned she got hurt in the end, sad part is she has to endure so much pain all by herself because she just expected too much, and all she can do is to avoid it.. There's nothing to end.. They were never "officially" together.
The question became “how can you break up if you were never officially together?” My answer: What is “official?” Don’t kid yourself. You were together just without the acknowledged, albeit, verbal commitment. It was in many instances implied. It was implied simply based on the social lifestyle you shared with the Other through your physical and emotional intimacy—you know, the waking up together, the having breakfast, the spending the day doing normal things (or heck, not so “normal” whatever that is). It was the what? The grocery shopping, going to parties, socializing with friends, or even taking care of one of another in sickness, in health—attending to one another’s needs—physical and/or emotional. If this level of interaction occurs on a regular basis, daily or weekly, and with relative frequency and regular contact, it is a relationship.
You may ask, “but if there is no verbal commitment; they could leave you at any time? What if you never got clarity that it was a commitment?” This is tricky, rightly so. If you asked and were told no, that’s a different story. If you never asked, the relationship was still aqueous and flowing and a certain commitment is still inferred based on your habit / attitude, suggesting a certain situation. And the statistics on annulment and marriage in the Philippines tell us, surely, that even in a marriage, there are no guarantees. One or the other may elect to leave at any time. Words, however, are more concrete gestures, and yet…things change.
The bottom line is, well … the bottom line.
What’s next?
Another dear friend decides, after hesitantly ending a relationship (of almost a year) to “just put it out of my mind. Not think about her. I choose not to deal with emotions like that. I will just hide my feelings in the event hardening call us that is becoming my heart, hoping that I will forget about her.” So, do you really think you are just gonna “wash that woman right outta your hair?” Just like that? Great! What’s the recipe?
The strategy involved taking it “week-by-week with no contact by email, or phone.” Hmmm, week-by-week? The reality is that it can actually be more like minute by minute, particularly if you have shared so much oxygen together. It can be challenging just to get through a day without some small thing reminding you of something said, or done or experienced with the other. What about the thoughts or feelings a particular song may say? Or a favorite television commercial that tickled you both? Or, a favorite venue, restaurant, coffee shop? Or an event you may have participated in? I know for myself, each time I walk by a particular place, I think of someone I shared a really lovely, fun and funny day with. All these seemingly insignificant (at the time) memories require time to fade way. Reliving them can feel like little pin pricks, reminders of something gone, some “thing” that is no longer “something;” A something missing from what is in sum just a part of life’s ever changing landscape.
Allow yourself to be human, to feel those feelings, all of them, whatever they are. That’s ok. Let it hurt. You are not a robot. Why hide yourself, from your SELF? To thine own Self be true, right? Allow yourself to experience it all, good and bad. Sometimes a good cry can do wonders. The next minute you may feel just fine, in control, even. Feel it, then smile and then keep moving. Otherwise, the potential to become bitter increases.
“But it’s confusing!” you say. Yes, of course it is. Of course you are confused. This is normal and quite natural, even necessary. This is your moment of truth. Stand in front of a mirror, look yourself square in the eyes, admire your face, your hair.
Look at yourself and say: “I Love You, [your name here]. I’m proud of you! Thank you for being good to us.” And then, believe it.
Back to the bottom line
If they are not, whispering those words that “melt” you:
“If this life ain’t good enough, I would give my world, my life to lift you up…I can change my life to better suit your mood….you got the kinda lovin’ that can be so smooth?”
Then it’s time to say, “… give me your heart, make it real, or else forget about it.” And then, just forget about it.
If it hurts too much to stay, then it was time to let go. If you walked away, think of it as a gesture of love toward yourself, of respecting your own needs while also giving the Other the space to continue to grow and be who they are, who they want to be. It’s a win-win situation. And the truth is, you just never know what’s next.
Sometimes you have to let go in order to get to the next step. “Never compromise yourself, it is all you've got.”
Well, first there is “Ouch!” I'm sure.
But before you slide down that slippery slope of misery, reach for “He / She is just not that into you” (the movie). It’s filled with the kind of common sense reminders anyone can benefit from and could get you to that ”Whoala!” moment quicker than my friend. Confidants are good and necessary, however. They are obliged, sincerely so, to act as a soothing balm serving up spoonfuls of wisdom like: “[blank] is an [expletive] … and so unworthy of you anyway, etc. etc.” along with other “feel better” thingys and all other abused phrases for feel-good purposes.
Yet, what is the message? How should you interpret it? And, more important, what do you do? Is it a teaser? A trick? No. It’s an open and honest confession of that person’s preferred social lifestyle. It says, “I like you. I enjoy being with you, but I still want to enjoy many pleasures, and if you are so inclined, you are welcome to continue to enjoy what we have … but!" Yes, and therein lies the rub. The bite is in the butt. It really depends on the dumpee.
For some, it is easy. We may choose to do so depending on the perceived love and strong desire for the love object, simply because we too want to share ourselves with the world. Alternatively, some decide this lifestyle is not enough and it will give honor, love and respect their own “Self’s” desire for exclusivity by seeking other more rewarding and reciprocal pleasures and passions. The desire is to graze where the grass is plentiful and much (much?) easier to digest. This too is good.
Relationships are like living cells, dividing and renewing, splitting off and coupling here or there—or, nowhere. Citing the analysis based from my friends' different love stories I think that people use all means today to “disaggregate, slice up, and repackage their emotional and physical needs, servicing each with a different partner, and hoping to come out ahead. Often they will be on the verge of spending the evening with one partner, when an opportunity arrives from another with a potentially better offer. To guard against not being chosen at all, and I quote, “sigurista tayo madalas, and everybody has a back-burner of their own, which they maintain with open-ended relationships.”
This occurred to a friend while still in a relationship with the nicest guy she ever met in her entire life somewhat chooses to swing on the other side of the river. When she thought she will be happier with the new guy she broke it off her boyfriend and enjoyed the company and got crazy. Thing turned she got hurt in the end, sad part is she has to endure so much pain all by herself because she just expected too much, and all she can do is to avoid it.. There's nothing to end.. They were never "officially" together.
The question became “how can you break up if you were never officially together?” My answer: What is “official?” Don’t kid yourself. You were together just without the acknowledged, albeit, verbal commitment. It was in many instances implied. It was implied simply based on the social lifestyle you shared with the Other through your physical and emotional intimacy—you know, the waking up together, the having breakfast, the spending the day doing normal things (or heck, not so “normal” whatever that is). It was the what? The grocery shopping, going to parties, socializing with friends, or even taking care of one of another in sickness, in health—attending to one another’s needs—physical and/or emotional. If this level of interaction occurs on a regular basis, daily or weekly, and with relative frequency and regular contact, it is a relationship.
You may ask, “but if there is no verbal commitment; they could leave you at any time? What if you never got clarity that it was a commitment?” This is tricky, rightly so. If you asked and were told no, that’s a different story. If you never asked, the relationship was still aqueous and flowing and a certain commitment is still inferred based on your habit / attitude, suggesting a certain situation. And the statistics on annulment and marriage in the Philippines tell us, surely, that even in a marriage, there are no guarantees. One or the other may elect to leave at any time. Words, however, are more concrete gestures, and yet…things change.
The bottom line is, well … the bottom line.
What’s next?
Another dear friend decides, after hesitantly ending a relationship (of almost a year) to “just put it out of my mind. Not think about her. I choose not to deal with emotions like that. I will just hide my feelings in the event hardening call us that is becoming my heart, hoping that I will forget about her.” So, do you really think you are just gonna “wash that woman right outta your hair?” Just like that? Great! What’s the recipe?
The strategy involved taking it “week-by-week with no contact by email, or phone.” Hmmm, week-by-week? The reality is that it can actually be more like minute by minute, particularly if you have shared so much oxygen together. It can be challenging just to get through a day without some small thing reminding you of something said, or done or experienced with the other. What about the thoughts or feelings a particular song may say? Or a favorite television commercial that tickled you both? Or, a favorite venue, restaurant, coffee shop? Or an event you may have participated in? I know for myself, each time I walk by a particular place, I think of someone I shared a really lovely, fun and funny day with. All these seemingly insignificant (at the time) memories require time to fade way. Reliving them can feel like little pin pricks, reminders of something gone, some “thing” that is no longer “something;” A something missing from what is in sum just a part of life’s ever changing landscape.
Allow yourself to be human, to feel those feelings, all of them, whatever they are. That’s ok. Let it hurt. You are not a robot. Why hide yourself, from your SELF? To thine own Self be true, right? Allow yourself to experience it all, good and bad. Sometimes a good cry can do wonders. The next minute you may feel just fine, in control, even. Feel it, then smile and then keep moving. Otherwise, the potential to become bitter increases.
“But it’s confusing!” you say. Yes, of course it is. Of course you are confused. This is normal and quite natural, even necessary. This is your moment of truth. Stand in front of a mirror, look yourself square in the eyes, admire your face, your hair.
Look at yourself and say: “I Love You, [your name here]. I’m proud of you! Thank you for being good to us.” And then, believe it.
Back to the bottom line
If they are not, whispering those words that “melt” you:
“If this life ain’t good enough, I would give my world, my life to lift you up…I can change my life to better suit your mood….you got the kinda lovin’ that can be so smooth?”
Then it’s time to say, “… give me your heart, make it real, or else forget about it.” And then, just forget about it.
If it hurts too much to stay, then it was time to let go. If you walked away, think of it as a gesture of love toward yourself, of respecting your own needs while also giving the Other the space to continue to grow and be who they are, who they want to be. It’s a win-win situation. And the truth is, you just never know what’s next.
Sometimes you have to let go in order to get to the next step. “Never compromise yourself, it is all you've got.”
I'm about to say "that hurts!" (almost)
Why is it so hard for so many of us to say, “That hurts”?
I am not just talking about finding our voice when in the orbit of an aggressive person. No. I am talking about life. Why is it so hard to speak up, to articulate our emotional pain, to indicate when something or someone hurts us?
I don’t know.
What I do know is that I have been hurling that trite childhood lesson. “Use your words,” I tell Zoe this when she is frustrated because she can't get her toy or milk or when she is upset about something a bit more complicated. Use your words.
I tell her this and I mean it. Words are powerful things. Here, I weave words together and this makes me very happy.
Recently, someone really upset me. This person didn’t do anything truly vicious or conspicuously conniving (well I was just being nice here). I don’t think this person intended to make me sad. I’m not even sure this person has any clue that I was (and still am) sad. But things this person did and didn’t do, said and didn’t say, hurt me. And I didn’t say anything. No, I rolled around in my hurt, letting it seep in, and then sulked away.
Now, I am not a super-confrontational person, but I am not a doormat either. More often than not, I say something, something diplomatic when I feel so inclined. Customarily, I do not sweep things under that proverbial carpet. I am not one to let things fester.
But. Here I am. Being a doormat. Sweeping things under that soiled existential carpet. Letting stuff fester. Not using my words. Rather, using my words, different ones, to bemoan the fact that I don’t know how to use my words when they matter most. (Uh oh. I just had the thought that maybe we sentimental writers-wanna-be are the biggest cowards of all in so far as we type and type and type because we are too scared to actually say these things aloud to people we know and love? I don’t like this thought, so I will ignore it. For now.)
Why is it so hard, so impossible sometimes, to say two simple words: That hurts? Maybe because saying these words isn’t so simple at all? Maybe it’s because we think we somehow deserve the pain? Maybe it is because we are afraid of graying blue skies? Maybe because we think there is something instructive in feeling pain, that there is something to be gained? Maybe it’s because we believe, if unconsciously, that fleeting sadness is like temporarily sore back muscles, hard to weather in the moment but a means to something greater and truer and less twisted?
Why is it so hard (for me, for some of us) to utter those two simple words? And if it isn’t hard for you to say these words, please share your wisdom.. please..
I am not just talking about finding our voice when in the orbit of an aggressive person. No. I am talking about life. Why is it so hard to speak up, to articulate our emotional pain, to indicate when something or someone hurts us?
I don’t know.
What I do know is that I have been hurling that trite childhood lesson. “Use your words,” I tell Zoe this when she is frustrated because she can't get her toy or milk or when she is upset about something a bit more complicated. Use your words.
I tell her this and I mean it. Words are powerful things. Here, I weave words together and this makes me very happy.
Recently, someone really upset me. This person didn’t do anything truly vicious or conspicuously conniving (well I was just being nice here). I don’t think this person intended to make me sad. I’m not even sure this person has any clue that I was (and still am) sad. But things this person did and didn’t do, said and didn’t say, hurt me. And I didn’t say anything. No, I rolled around in my hurt, letting it seep in, and then sulked away.
Now, I am not a super-confrontational person, but I am not a doormat either. More often than not, I say something, something diplomatic when I feel so inclined. Customarily, I do not sweep things under that proverbial carpet. I am not one to let things fester.
But. Here I am. Being a doormat. Sweeping things under that soiled existential carpet. Letting stuff fester. Not using my words. Rather, using my words, different ones, to bemoan the fact that I don’t know how to use my words when they matter most. (Uh oh. I just had the thought that maybe we sentimental writers-wanna-be are the biggest cowards of all in so far as we type and type and type because we are too scared to actually say these things aloud to people we know and love? I don’t like this thought, so I will ignore it. For now.)
Why is it so hard, so impossible sometimes, to say two simple words: That hurts? Maybe because saying these words isn’t so simple at all? Maybe it’s because we think we somehow deserve the pain? Maybe it is because we are afraid of graying blue skies? Maybe because we think there is something instructive in feeling pain, that there is something to be gained? Maybe it’s because we believe, if unconsciously, that fleeting sadness is like temporarily sore back muscles, hard to weather in the moment but a means to something greater and truer and less twisted?
Why is it so hard (for me, for some of us) to utter those two simple words? And if it isn’t hard for you to say these words, please share your wisdom.. please..
Instability of my Brain Cells
I once heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Being the analytical person that I am, I am somewhat puzzled at why I have not been able to completely curtail this behavior in myself. I can see so clearly after the fact, but when I’m “in it”—well, that is a completely different story.
Of course this thing strikes many of us in various parts of our lives. Sometimes it is with our romantic relationships, sometimes with how we handle parenting our children, it could be the way that we do our jobs, and other times it is with how we act or react to our parents’ unsolicited advice for us.
In all cases, however, it seems to me that it might be the illusion of control that is the driving force behind some instances of insane behavior. Or maybe it is just that we see what we want to see and ignore the rest, that is, until it jumps up and bites us in the ass. Either way, my sanity has come into question recently and I think it is time to rid myself of the old behaviors and try something new.
My marriage to a diagnosed “untreated” non-emotional person after I had “had enough.” Since we have Zoe together, this is not a relationship that I wish will not end and with no future contact. We had to find a way to communicate and co-parent to the best of our abilities. After two years of honeymoon period, we have made significant progress—or so I thought. We began sharing a few minor details about our personal lives.
But then it happened. I made a mistake, one for which I did apologize, but nevertheless a mistake and now the backlash has started. He rants and raves and blames. Everything that could have or has gone wrong in the last years before we got married is now all my fault (again). I actually used to believe this garbage! You see, I was never allowed to make mistakes. Not then, and apparently not now. He’d probably blame me for the war if one broke out today!
I realize now that engaging in this “friendship” behavior with an untreated non-emotional person is no different than trying to stay married to one. It’s like trying to drag your friend on a marathon run when they haven’t even run a 5k yet (I haven't either, but it feels like that). We are just at two completely different levels of maturity. There are substantial reasons why the marriage will not work out I'm afraid and it would be very wise for me to remember those reasons when the delusion of a healthy friendship comes trotting along again.
Insane? Yes, but it was temporary. My faculties are all now back in working order and the pebbles in my brain—well, large marbles as may be the case since I’m pretty witty—can continue along the beaten path to a happy and healthy future with those that are capable.
Of course this thing strikes many of us in various parts of our lives. Sometimes it is with our romantic relationships, sometimes with how we handle parenting our children, it could be the way that we do our jobs, and other times it is with how we act or react to our parents’ unsolicited advice for us.
In all cases, however, it seems to me that it might be the illusion of control that is the driving force behind some instances of insane behavior. Or maybe it is just that we see what we want to see and ignore the rest, that is, until it jumps up and bites us in the ass. Either way, my sanity has come into question recently and I think it is time to rid myself of the old behaviors and try something new.
My marriage to a diagnosed “untreated” non-emotional person after I had “had enough.” Since we have Zoe together, this is not a relationship that I wish will not end and with no future contact. We had to find a way to communicate and co-parent to the best of our abilities. After two years of honeymoon period, we have made significant progress—or so I thought. We began sharing a few minor details about our personal lives.
But then it happened. I made a mistake, one for which I did apologize, but nevertheless a mistake and now the backlash has started. He rants and raves and blames. Everything that could have or has gone wrong in the last years before we got married is now all my fault (again). I actually used to believe this garbage! You see, I was never allowed to make mistakes. Not then, and apparently not now. He’d probably blame me for the war if one broke out today!
I realize now that engaging in this “friendship” behavior with an untreated non-emotional person is no different than trying to stay married to one. It’s like trying to drag your friend on a marathon run when they haven’t even run a 5k yet (I haven't either, but it feels like that). We are just at two completely different levels of maturity. There are substantial reasons why the marriage will not work out I'm afraid and it would be very wise for me to remember those reasons when the delusion of a healthy friendship comes trotting along again.
Insane? Yes, but it was temporary. My faculties are all now back in working order and the pebbles in my brain—well, large marbles as may be the case since I’m pretty witty—can continue along the beaten path to a happy and healthy future with those that are capable.
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